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  • 8 Things That Destroyed our Marriage- Part 1

8 Things That Destroyed our Marriage- Part 1

February 8, 2009 — 59 Comments

For most of our marriage I looked to Valentine’s Day to make up for a lot…I wanted Valentine’s Day to put some romance back in our marriage. I wanted Valentine’s Day to make up for how much time I spent at the church and not at home. I thought Valentine’s Day could make up for all the times I said I would be home for dinner and wasn’t… said I would take my day off and didn’t… said I would not put the church first, but did. So tonight, we want to launch a blog-series that will bluntly share with you the mess ups and the mistakes that led to our separation and near divorce 3 1/2  years ago. (If you don’t know our story you can listen to it by clicking the link ”Podcast” from the Our Story section.)

How does a husband of 10 years, a father of 3 awesome boys and a pastor of a young and growing church choose to walk in one Sunday afternoon and tell his wife he wants to end it all? How do you get there? What are some of the ingredients to a marriage that hits rock bottom like that? Most of the mistakes we are going to share are in no particular order…but this first one is THE most important thing you can do to protect your marriage. It is simple, but hard. It seems churchy…and cheesy…but is so powerful. It is the most talked about thing, but the most overlooked thing in a “Christian” marriage. I believe if you never read another thing that I write, but correct this one thing, your marriage will change. This was our biggest mistake and this nearly destroyed our marriage…

#1- We rarely prayed together, and the way we prayed for each other was selfish.

How ridiculous is that? Trisha and I are leading a church, helping people find their way back to God, praying for people after the service, praying for people in our small group, praying for marriages of people we are counseling…and yet there was a barrier in our marriage when it came to praying for each other. It is totally embarrassing…but we just didn’t do it. When I did pray for Trisha I would pray in a selfish way that God would change her because she was driving me nuts or making me angry or nagging at me about something.

When we were separated I realized that I was the one that needed to change…even if Trisha never changed, I was desperate for God to change me. What we have learned is that yes our marriage is emotional…yes, our marriage is physical…but more than anything our marriage is a SPIRITUAL relationship and if we don’t take that seriously, the very foundation of our relationship will be eroded little by little. 

Here is the truth: If you want to grow in your intimacy with your spouse…if you want your spouse to pursue you again…if you want your spouse to respect you again…if you want your spouse to find you attractive again…if you want your spouse to forgive you again…if you want your spouse to love you again like they loved you when you were first married…pray for God to change you into the person your spouse needs you to be. That is the first part…the second is a little more vulnerable and much more uncomfortable when you first start…and that is to pray out loud together. The quickest way I can gauge Trisha’s heart and know what is bugging her or making her anxious or on her mind is to listen to her pray…it is a spiritual way to know her heart and to align my heart with hers. Let me clear, if you haven’t done this before, this will probably feel weird…but get over it! It is so worth it…and let me promise you that you will relate deeper, you will talk more, you will love more completely through this one act…I guarantee it. 

I want to encourage you to not make the same mistake we made. You can improve the quality and depth of your marriage beginning tonight. I would love for you to share your thoughts on this idea of praying with and for each other and how it has played out in your marriage/relationship…

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Justin and Trisha

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Justin & Trisha are authors, bloggers, speakers and teachers in Nashville, TN. Their first book, Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough releases January 2013. You can find more info HERE.
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  • Keith Harshbarger

    Great writings Justin! Thanks so much for sharing this!

    -Keith

  • Keith Harshbarger

    Great writings Justin! Thanks so much for sharing this!-Keith

  • greglee

    Justin and Trish…I’m just saying thanks for sharing your story and I’m really looking forward to this series. It will be helpful to many I’m sure, including me. I love how God is using you.

  • greglee

    Justin and Trish…I’m just saying thanks for sharing your story and I’m really looking forward to this series. It will be helpful to many I’m sure, including me. I love how God is using you.

  • Matt Jackson

    Having Christ as the “center” of a marriage is the wisest thing a couple can do. Who on the planet has had more compassion, more understanding, the most patience, more acts of forgiveness and was the least selfish than Jesus Christ. All the tools that make a great marriage can be found in Him.
    Great series Justin.

  • Matt Jackson

    Having Christ as the “center” of a marriage is the wisest thing a couple can do. Who on the planet has had more compassion, more understanding, the most patience, more acts of forgiveness and was the least selfish than Jesus Christ. All the tools that make a great marriage can be found in Him. Great series Justin.

  • Freedom and Life

    Hey guys, thank you for this! It’s is brilliant the way God is using you! We love you both. Mike and Heather

  • Freedom and Life

    Hey guys, thank you for this! It’s is brilliant the way God is using you! We love you both. Mike and Heather

  • Anonymous

    Justin and Trish…
    I really didnt know you when I was at LCC…Justin you were gone playing ball somewhere else then came back…

    Anyway, I really appreciate your blog and all that I have read…really looking forward to part 2-8

    Thanks
    Jeff Hunt

  • Anonymous

    Justin and Trish…I really didnt know you when I was at LCC…Justin you were gone playing ball somewhere else then came back…Anyway, I really appreciate your blog and all that I have read…really looking forward to part 2-8ThanksJeff Hunt

  • Elegant

    hey friends….i love this blog too. i can only imagine how it encourages and challenges people. i can’t wait to be married so i can put into practice your wisdom
    : ) thanks for sharing your story and for living it out f

  • Elegant

    hey friends….i love this blog too. i can only imagine how it encourages and challenges people. i can’t wait to be married so i can put into practice your wisdom : ) thanks for sharing your story and for living it out f

  • Jen Swathwood

    the last comment was from Jen…not sure why it says “elegant” LOL

  • Jen Swathwood

    the last comment was from Jen…not sure why it says “elegant” LOL

  • CLynn

    Hi Justin and Trisha.
    I am so excited about this series. I have just made it through part 1 and am ready to read 2 and 3.
    I love that you talk about praying as a couple. This is an area that I struggle with. Actually, I struggle with just praying. This is definitely something that I am working on.
    Thank you both so much for posting this for us all to read.
    You are both so special and always will be in my life.
    Carrie L. Dawson

  • CLynn

    Hi Justin and Trisha.I am so excited about this series. I have just made it through part 1 and am ready to read 2 and 3. I love that you talk about praying as a couple. This is an area that I struggle with. Actually, I struggle with just praying. This is definitely something that I am working on.Thank you both so much for posting this for us all to read. You are both so special and always will be in my life.Carrie L. Dawson

  • Lance

    My wife and I find more peace together when we pray. If we do not pray it is like there is no true communication between us, and we are doing life without God helping us. We are two not three. We have peace through prayer, we have intimacy through prayer, we have been so blessed when we pray. I changed my heart during a tough time of her pregnancy through prayer. She had several more months of struggles with pregnancy, so would still be pregnant so I had to change, and God helped bring about the maturity and change I needed for us.

  • Lance

    My wife and I find more peace together when we pray. If we do not pray it is like there is no true communication between us, and we are doing life without God helping us. We are two not three. We have peace through prayer, we have intimacy through prayer, we have been so blessed when we pray. I changed my heart during a tough time of her pregnancy through prayer. She had several more months of struggles with pregnancy, so would still be pregnant so I had to change, and God helped bring about the maturity and change I needed for us.

  • robinrane

    Oh I love this…this should be required reading for anyone getting married and heck for those who are already married! Love it and can’t wait for the next in the series.

  • robinrane

    Oh I love this…this should be required reading for anyone getting married and heck for those who are already married! Love it and can’t wait for the next in the series.

  • Sarah@Life in the Parsonage

    Found you through Brandi…awesome post. I look forward to reading the rest!

    God is so glorified when we share where we failed and how He fixed it :)

  • Sarah@Life in the Parsonage

    Found you through Brandi…awesome post. I look forward to reading the rest! God is so glorified when we share where we failed and how He fixed it :)

  • Ally

    Fantastic post. Thank you for writing this. I’m looking forward to reading your other posts.

  • Ally

    Fantastic post. Thank you for writing this. I’m looking forward to reading your other posts.

  • Pingback: Destroying My Marriage? | WithoutWax.tv by Pete Wilson

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  • http://30days.posterous.com/ Rich

    Honest, real and great post!

    I look forward to the next posts…

  • http://30days.posterous.com/ Rich

    Honest, real and great post!

    I look forward to the next posts…

  • http://joniruhs.wordpress.com/ Joni Ruhs

    Hey, found you through Pete Wilson. I’m looking forward to reading this series and the next on restoration. Read a couple posts already and you are brave and generous to let us into your insight. God bless.

  • http://joniruhs.wordpress.com Joni Ruhs

    Hey, found you through Pete Wilson. I’m looking forward to reading this series and the next on restoration. Read a couple posts already and you are brave and generous to let us into your insight. God bless.

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  • http://kelliinreallife.typepad.com/ Kelli

    Thank you!!!

  • http://kelliinreallife.typepad.com Kelli

    Thank you!!!

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  • http://www.WiseReaction.org/ Michael Whennen

    Hello Michael Whennen from WiseReaction.org Australia here.

    Well done Justin & Trish, I like what I have read so far will be returning. Look Forward to recommending your blog.

  • http://www.WiseReaction.org Michael Whennen

    Hello Michael Whennen from WiseReaction.org Australia here.

    Well done Justin & Trish, I like what I have read so far will be returning. Look Forward to recommending your blog.

  • Len

    Thank you for being open about real things. I started praying with my wife this year (18th year of marriage!) Crazy. Not that we never prayed, just not regularly. We only prayed when we felt like it (code for when we didn’t really NEED to because things seemed to be going good). Jesus Christ has changed our marriage. Thanks for telling the story.

  • Len

    Thank you for being open about real things. I started praying with my wife this year (18th year of marriage!) Crazy. Not that we never prayed, just not regularly. We only prayed when we felt like it (code for when we didn’t really NEED to because things seemed to be going good). Jesus Christ has changed our marriage. Thanks for telling the story.

  • Ann

    Justin & Trish, thank you so much for sharing your struggles and triumph. This is something that my husband and I struggle with as well. I long for this but there never seems to be enough time in the day. God is doing great work thru you! Y’all are in my prayers.

  • Ann

    Justin & Trish, thank you so much for sharing your struggles and triumph. This is something that my husband and I struggle with as well. I long for this but there never seems to be enough time in the day. God is doing great work thru you! Y’all are in my prayers.

  • Jennifer

    I think that you all have a lot of powerful things to share that will help a lot of people. But…I have a question. I don’t feel like it is fair, nor does it make any sense, that a person should pray for God to change themself, if it is their partner who is not honoring their marriage commitment. Now, clearly, no one is perfect. Everyone can pray for God to make them a better person. But why, hypothetically speaking, should a woman whose husband is cheating on her pray that God make her into someone her husband wants?? That just doesn’t seem fair or right or godly.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Jennifer, that is a great question and one that I want to answer with sincere sensitivity. The point of the post wasn't to say that a woman who's husband is cheating should pray that God changes her into some one he wants. The point was to say that independent of our spouse, we should pray that God changes us into the husband/wife that HE desires. When we begin to ask God to change us into the man/woman that God longs for us to be, God answers that prayer. We are able to love more, forgive more and draw more boundaries based on who God is creating us to be, rather than who our spouse wants us to be. The situation you describe is a painful one, but as we ask God to change our hearts, he gives us strength to become more of who He longs for as we go through the pain.

  • Jennifer

    I think that you all have a lot of powerful things to share that will help a lot of people. But…I have a question. I don’t feel like it is fair, nor does it make any sense, that a person should pray for God to change themself, if it is their partner who is not honoring their marriage commitment. Now, clearly, no one is perfect. Everyone can pray for God to make them a better person. But why, hypothetically speaking, should a woman whose husband is cheating on her pray that God make her into someone her husband wants?? That just doesn’t seem fair or right or godly.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Jennifer, that is a great question and one that I want to answer with sincere sensitivity. The point of the post wasn't to say that a woman who's husband is cheating should pray that God changes her into some one he wants. The point was to say that independent of our spouse, we should pray that God changes us into the husband/wife that HE desires. When we begin to ask God to change us into the man/woman that God longs for us to be, God answers that prayer. We are able to love more, forgive more and draw more boundaries based on who God is creating us to be, rather than who our spouse wants us to be. The situation you describe is a painful one, but as we ask God to change our hearts, he gives us strength to become more of who He longs for as we go through the pain.

  • http://www.askingdirections.wordpress.com/ Tom

    Just checking your website, I came across this "prayer confession" to which I will add a hearty agreement since Betty and I began in earnest to pray together 9 years ago. You learn a lot! Our 2 questions to each other that daily form our prayers are "What are you looking forward to today?" "What are you afraid of or concerned about today?" I have to listen more, hand Betty to God, and stop trying to fix everything! But I know her joys and her fears a lot better than I used to. Thanks, Justin and Trish, for your honesty. Marriages will be healed by what you've shared.

  • http://www.askingdirections.wordpress.com Tom

    Just checking your website, I came across this "prayer confession" to which I will add a hearty agreement since Betty and I began in earnest to pray together 9 years ago. You learn a lot! Our 2 questions to each other that daily form our prayers are "What are you looking forward to today?" "What are you afraid of or concerned about today?" I have to listen more, hand Betty to God, and stop trying to fix everything! But I know her joys and her fears a lot better than I used to. Thanks, Justin and Trish, for your honesty. Marriages will be healed by what you've shared.

  • Julie

    God lead me here. My husband and I are currently separated. I've learned so very much about myself and our relationship. I pray God enters our marriage, heals us from within, and leads us down our path together in a Godly marriage.

    Thank you so very much for sharing your story. It has been a great help.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Julie,

      I just wanted you to know that I will be praying for you and for your marriage! All things are possible with God. Our marriage is living proof of that! If we can serve you in any way, please let us know!

  • Julie

    God lead me here. My husband and I are currently separated. I've learned so very much about myself and our relationship. I pray God enters our marriage, heals us from within, and leads us down our path together in a Godly marriage.

    Thank you so very much for sharing your story. It has been a great help.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Julie,

      I just wanted you to know that I will be praying for you and for your marriage! All things are possible with God. Our marriage is living proof of that! If we can serve you in any way, please let us know!

  • Tonya Ingram

    I am currently single but am learning and taking in all God says about marriage so that I can be prepared. Thank you for this.

  • Tonya Ingram

    I am currently single but am learning and taking in all God says about marriage so that I can be prepared. Thank you for this.

  • http://twitter.com/CoryMcDooRoo @CoryMcDooRoo

    Thank you for writing on this topic. Prior to my wife and I separating four months ago (reconciled now) we never prayed together or for each other. Now, since our marriage was restored we make it a point to pray together and for each other daily and nightly prior to bed. Looking at it now it's embarrassing because my wife led a youth ministry and Praise team and I was doing a Men's ministry. I feel there's few things more devastating to a marriage than not praying together and for each other.

    Thank you for your blog and website.
    My recent post CoryMcDooRoo- Driving 5 hrs to Denver with the family in the morning- going to a Pirates Cove water park tomorrow and going cont http-tlgd-2j8u3n

  • http://twitter.com/CoryMcDooRoo @CoryMcDooRoo

    Thank you for writing on this topic. Prior to my wife and I separating four months ago (reconciled now) we never prayed together or for each other. Now, since our marriage was restored we make it a point to pray together and for each other daily and nightly prior to bed. Looking at it now it's embarrassing because my wife led a youth ministry and Praise team and I was doing a Men's ministry. I feel there's few things more devastating to a marriage than not praying together and for each other.

    Thank you for your blog and website.
    My recent post CoryMcDooRoo- Driving 5 hrs to Denver with the family in the morning- going to a Pirates Cove water park tomorrow and going cont http-tlgd-2j8u3n

  • http://convergemissionary.com/ Brian Stankich

    I love this testimony, thank you for sharing it. It is so encouraging.

    I would add that my prayer isn’t that God will make me into the husband my wife needs me to be but rather that he changes me to be more like Christ – and I think she’ll appreciate and love that person more.

  • http://praythroughanything.blogspot.com Pain to Purpose

    The sentence that jumped out at me was: “pray for God to change you into the person your spouse needs you to be.” I paused at that moment to reflect on that and ask God what exactly that would be. IThe answer came immediately: Show unconditional love to your prodigal husband. This is not an easy thing considering the things he is putting me through, but the more I love Jesus, the more I become capable of allowing His love to shine through me.
    I am so thankful I read this post today. God bless you as you minister! I know that God is going to turn my story around too and reconcile my marriage, like he did yours.

  • http://twitter.com/brandt_johnson Brandt Johnson

    I am a family pastor at a small rural church in central MN. I have had a rough few…well…months lately and my wife bears the brunt of many of my frustrates from the office. Tonight she when I finally got home from Wednesday night service (an hour late) we put the kids to bed together (late also, as has become usual) then something didn’t happened. We did not mindlessly flop on the couch to veg in front of Netflix as had become our custom to tune out stress. What happened was this: my wife grabbed my hand and said, “I have an idea. Lets pray.”

    I do not remember the last time we prayed out loud together. But it made my day. We prayed for each other, the elders in our church, our kids, our relationship, the other pastor , and a few other things that had been weighing heavily on our hearts over the past few months. We cried, we hugged… then played farkle! It was the best night I have had in a long time! Then she asked if I had read the article she shared on FB. She directed me to this blog…now I get it!

    Thanks Davis’s, and thanks Babe!!

    • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

      Brandt,

      Wow! So awesome. Thank you so much for sharing this with us! We are so proud of you guys and know the wear and tear ministry can have on a marriage. We will be praying for you guys. Please let us know if we can serve you in any way.

  • Maria

    Hello! When I read and listen to your story I feel so identified with you guys, except that we´ve been married for only 1.5 years. I feel completely hopeless, and sometimes I don´t feel like praying to God and ask him for hope. I´m a huge fan of yours, I really admire you and really really want to be as happy as you guys are. It´s been 2 months since the big news and my husband is having a hard time dealing with his thoughts and also to give me the trust I really need to continue. I already ordered your book, I´m from Guatemala, and¨I´m anxious on reading it to see the way you guys went through all this tough times and have a happy marriage. Thank you for listening to God´s will in your life, because of that people like me have the chance to know that there is hope and there could be happiness after all. God bless you