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2 Words That Will Kill Your Marriage

August 22, 2011 — 13 Comments

There are so many things that your marriage can survive. You marriage can survive miscommunication. Your marriage can survive busy schedules. Your marriage can overcome conflict with your in-laws. Your marriage can get through sexual brokenness and unforgiveness. But, there are two words that will eventually bring an end to your marriage…if not legally then definitely emotionally.

The two words are…

…IF ONLY…

If only my wife had sex with me more often
If only my husband looked at me like my boss does
If only we had kids
If only we made more money
If only we lived in a bigger house
If only we would have dated longer
If only she took care of herself like the lady at the gym
If only my high school boyfriend and I would have stayed together
If only we hadn’t had kids so young
If only she understood me
If only he listened to me
If only I knew we were soul mates
If only she cooked more or better
If only he could do things around the house

If only causes you to focus on what isn’t rather than on what is. If only allows your mind to fantasize about someone that isn’t your spouse. If only believes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. If only paralyzes us in the pursuit of our spouse and convinces us that a perfect marriage is competently up to the other person. If only will slowly destroy intimacy and leave you in a place of resentment. If only will trick you into believing that the best days of your marriage are behind you and and not ahead of you.

The best thing you can do for your marriage today is remove “if only” from your mind and heart.

You can’t change the past, but you can prevent the past from destroying your future.

Do you struggle with the thought of “if only”?

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In Intimacy, Marriage
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Justin and Trisha

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Justin & Trisha are authors, bloggers, speakers and teachers in Nashville, TN. Their first book, Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough releases January 2013. You can find more info HERE.
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  • TRC

    Excellent! “If only” was a part of my marriage and divorce… and now that we are on a journey of restoration (dating again)… I see how the enemy weaves the “if only” back in to thwart the progress and hope. I needed to hear this today. Thank you

  • Shane S.

    “if only” are the thoughts I carried with me most of my life. I try not to think in that manner anymore, but it still cycles through sometimes. Just last night I heard a message from Big Brothers, Big Sisters about mentoring. I left thinking “if only” I had a mentor when my dad left me at 12. I fell on the same path most kids do when a young boy doesn’t have a man in the house to be a positive role model. I was trying drugs at 13, and was in prison by 20. “if only” would destroy my marriage 15yrs later. “if only” I would have asked for help sooner for my addiction.”if only” I never relapsed. “if only ” see understood addiction as a disease. “if only” I had taken action sooner, would we still be in love? “if only” is only a bookmark in my life for a resentments. I do not hold any resentments today towards anyone or anything. The past is just History, His Story! “You can’t change the past, but you can prevent the past from destroying your future.” Thanks for that last line. Can I You can’t change the past, but you can prevent the past from destroying your future. You can’t change the past, but you can prevent the past from destroying your future. You can’t change the past, but you can prevent the past from destroying your future. You can’t change the past, but you can prevent the past from destroying your future. You can’t change the past, but you can prevent the past from destroying your future. You can’t change the past, but you can prevent the past from destroying your future. Can I © it?

    • Shane S.

      Delete, Delete, Delete, thx

  • Shane S.

    “if only” are the thoughts I carried with me most of my life. I try not to think in that manner anymore, but it still cycles through sometimes. Just last night I heard a message from Big Brothers, Big Sisters about mentoring. I left thinking “if only” I had a mentor when my dad left me at 12. I fell on the same path most kids do when a young boy doesn’t have a man in the house to be a positive role model. I was trying drugs at 13, and was in prison by 20. “if only” would destroy my marriage 15yrs later. “if only” I would have asked for help sooner for my addiction.”if only” I never relapsed. “if only ” she understood addiction as a disease. “if only” I had taken action sooner, would we still be in love? “if only” is only a bookmark in my life for a resentment. I do not hold any resentment today towards anyone or anything. The past is just History, His Story! “You can’t change the past, but you can prevent the past from destroying your future.” Thanks for that last line. Can I © it?

  • Preston

    I would add “Yes, but”. Yes, you did apologize, but not fast enough. I am sure we could add some to that list.

  • http://grammarcopsite.com Carolynp

    I keep thinking that “if only” can be used in a positive manner, also. I spend a fair amount of time thinking “if only” I could become a better wife and mother. I know this is His will for my life, so just having the goals is important to attune my will to His will. I like the idea of having high goals. “If only” I spent more time thinking of others. “If only” I made more of His priorities my priorities. Does that make sense?

    • Jason

      I would say the “if only” still needs to go. Because it is never going to actually motive you to do what you are lamenting not doing. In that case…the “if only” needs to be replaced with “I will”

  • http://www.christylbrown.wordpress.com Christy

    This is such a theme lately – with Jenni’s blog, with Pete’s message, and in a few other areas of my life. Bottom line is that contentment leads to many other wonderful qualities – joy and happiness and gratitude and generosity, etc. What a great reminder – thanks!

  • Pingback: Two Words That Will Kill Your Marriage (via Refine Us Blog) | mgpcpastor's blog

  • Leann

    ..true.
    If only I had been good enough, my husband wouldn’t have hit me.
    If only my husband hadn’t cheated on me.
    If only my husband didn’t mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically abuse me and our children.
    If only he could see I loved him through all of that.
    If only he would have been remorseful and changed.

  • http://www.madewithlovebycaty.etsy.com Caty

    BRILLIANT! Thank you so much for sharing this! I have passed it on to those who would greatly benefit from your words! I also couldn’t resist sharing it on my blog! http://paidinsmilesgigglesandkisses.blogspot.com/2011/08/if-only.html

    -Caty

  • Mzdina

    wow…Awesome word…

  • Jeff

    Good. I would add…

    “Always” and “Never”
    as in “You NEVER listen.” or “You ALWAYS drop the ball.”

    Using these take a particular conflict or frustration, and make a broad generalized statement about your spouse’s character.