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  • Succeeding as a Pastor, Failing as a Parent: Part 2

Succeeding as a Pastor, Failing as a Parent: Part 2

November 30, 2011 — 11 Comments

Today, we’re continuing the blog series on five mistakes I made as a father, while doing my best to succeed as a pastor. Some of these mistakes won’t be exactly relevant to everyone, but my prayer is that the principles shared will help you as a parent.

Trisha and I left vocational ministry in 2005. We had spent the previous 10 years working at churches. It was my job to go to church. Going to church was not an option, it was required. We were there pretty much every time the doors were open. I remember the first Sunday after leaving ministry that we decided to skip church. We woke up late, I fixed a big breakfast, made a pot of coffee and we sat around in our pajamas. A few minutes after eating breakfast one of the boys asked why we weren’t getting ready for church. I casually said that we were skipping church and just hanging out at the house. Our boys looked panicked. Skip church? How could we skip church? Would we get into heaven if we skipped church? They were totally thrown. This story leads me to mistake number two:

2. I made my kids go to every church function and activity.

If I am honest, and I think if most pastors are honest (truly honesty) we make our kids attend everything at church not because we are solely concerned with their spiritual development, as much as we are concerned with how church people perceive us and our family.

I am not suggesting that church attendance isn’t important. I think it is very important. I think a mistake we can make as parents and a mistake we can make as Christians is equating church attendance with spiritual growth. One doesn’t equal the other.

A few weeks ago, one of my boys had a ton of homework. He was stressed out about a test the next day and asked if he could stay home from youth group to get it done. It was a no brainer for me to say yes. Tonight, one of my boys has asked to go to a different campus for youth group to see one of his friends play drums. If I am concerned about how other perceive me, I say no to that request. If I am only concerned with his spiritual growth, I am happy he is asking to go to church in the first place.

Are you equating religious activity in your life or in your kids’ life with spiritual growth? It is an easy mistake to make. Our kids need us to focus not on information and attendance but transformation and life-change.

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In Family, Kids, Life, Parenting
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Justin and Trisha

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Justin & Trisha are authors, bloggers, speakers and teachers in Nashville, TN. Their first book, Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough releases January 2013. You can find more info HERE.
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  • Tiffiney31

    Thank you! I struggle with this often.  I want my kids to know that church is an important part of life, but just showing up at church is not spiritual growth.  It’s okay to skip sometimes, go to other churches, etc.  The relationship with God and how you treat other people is what is most important, not being seen at church on a regular basis.

    • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

      Thanks Tiffiney…I agree! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=652733743 Dean Butterfield

    Justin, stumbled onto your blog via Twitter.  I read your tweet - Sometimes forcing your kids to go to church isn’t the right decision – and thought “Woah, what?!?”  But I couldn’t agree more!!  In fact, I wonder if we’ve gotten a few things wrong with how the church functions?? Perhaps we should close our doors more often and force families – single or married – to BE the church in the world instead of just coming to our social club events??  Gathering is important, but what we do in most church is FAR beyond the scope of just gathering – and I think we need a little reformation.  God Bless, Dean

    • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

      Thanks so much Dean…glad you stopped by! Being the church is so much more important than going to church. 

  • http://twitter.com/jonmholcomb Jonathan Holcomb

    That’s good stuff.  I think that you are right on with this.  Family has to come first, and attendance doesn’t equal spiritual growth.  You can’t risk losing your family over what other people are going to think.

    • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

      Thanks Jonathan. 

  • Cori Howell

    I am so glad you wrote this. I really think this is what ruined church for my boyfriend who is now 32 years old. While he was growing up, his Mom made it clear that it was mandatory for him to be at their church for every service and every function. This didn’t change even when he was not feeling well. It is very hard to get him to go to church with me now. He has a very negative view on all things church.

    • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

      Wow…will be praying for your boyfriend Cori! 

  • http://rogerpeace.wol.org Roger Peace, Jr.

    I was excited to see part two, and you have really challenged me again. I want to be so very careful not to just have my kids go thru the motions… but I  desire for them to be excited about the opportunity to worship Jesus! Serving in a Christian organization like we do as a family does not make our children spiritual, or nor is it the organization’s responsiblity to see that our children do grow spiritually (they can have an active part) , but as parents we are responsible to create an atomsphere by which they can grow. I have been so challenged by these posts… while they are very challenging and revealing, they are much needed! Thank you for being truly honest!

    • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

      Thank you Roger. 

  • Angiegirl413

    I was a PK growing up.. You have been describing my life!!!!!!!!!! It took me a long time to get my joy back and want to be involved in Church again.  ( My dad still thinks that MY boys still need to be there EVERY time the doors are open!) I am now very involved, and Lovin being the church, not being at the church!