3 Fears That Will Hold You Back

January 3, 2012 — 4 Comments

We have great intentions don’t we? If our life was measured by our intentions we would all be very successful in all aspects of life. We intend to have great marriages. We intend to have deep friendships. We intend to be completely honest. We intend to share all of our heart. We intend to be fully known. What prevents our intentions from being reality?

Fear.

There are three fears that have robbed me of what I have wanted for myself and desired for my marriage and friendships. When any or all of these fears are greater than our intentions to be fully known, intimacy will be always be the casualty. These three fears may be holding you back from having the marriage you want; the relationship with God you want; the friendships you desire.

1. Fear of Being Found Out

When we have something we are hiding, we will never experience intimacy at its greatest level. When we fear being found out we withhold ourselves from those we care about most. Our fear will over take our heart and we will stress out and we will imagine worst case scenarios and we will allow the fear of being found out to do more damage than simply telling the truth.Most of the time trying to hide the truth only leads us to what we fear the most: being found out.

2. Fear of Not Being Loved

Insecurity has robbed me of being fully known in so many relationships. When you allow the fear of not being loved to live in your heart, you are never fully yourself. You are constantly tempted to change who you are to live up to what you perceive others’ expectations to be. You are not happy being you and you feel like you are never appreciated for who you truly are. Fear of not being loved robs you of what you fear losing: Love.

3. Fear of Emotional Pain

There is an equation that we all calculate when pursuing intimacy: If I share this will the pain I experience be worth it in the end. If I share my heart; if I bring this into the light; if I open this can of worms will it be worth it? Those of us that fear emotional pain are great at pretending like things are okay in our life; in our marriage; in a friendship; even when they are not okay. We compromise intimacy by trying to avoid pain and in the end we cause ourselves and others what we fear the most: pain.

Maybe the marriage you want; the friendship you intend to have; the person you intend to be is being held back by one word: Fear.

What you intend to have and the intimacy you desire can be yours…if you will overcome your fears.

In Authenticity, Character, Transformation
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Justin and Trisha

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Justin & Trisha are authors, bloggers, speakers and teachers in Nashville, TN. Their first book, Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough releases January 2013. You can find more info HERE.
  • http://www.eileenknowles.com/ Eileen

    Gosh this so true, “Those of us that fear emotional pain are great at pretending like things are
    okay in our life; in our marriage; in a friendship; even when they are not okay.
    We compromise intimacy by trying to avoid pain and in the end we cause ourselves
    and others what we fear the most: pain.”  So well said too.  But when we decide to confront those things we fear there is so much freedom, power and peace to be found!

  • Pingback: Leaving It All Behind | brittanypellegrino

  • Lee Davies

    Hey guys, I’ve been listening to your story and have appreciated it. I find myself at a crossroads in my faith lately, and coincidentally, also in my sex life. My wife and I have had a model marriage for several years, but we had a breakthrough this year after a crisis. That crisis was me finally fessing up to a lifetime of porn habits. I watch porn. I do it sometimes once a month, maybe less, and sometimes a lot more. That secrecy was hurting my marriage, and my porn viewing (and masturbation apart from her) was hurting our intimacy.

    My wife was in tears. I hurt because of that. In just a few days, we had a complete turn-around in our marriage. I told her the porn I was looking at, and we ended up talking about fantasies. Our sex life was invigorated, and has been ever since. We are completely honest with each other sexually. This means, if I find another woman hot, I can share that with her. 

    At the same time, we’ve had many conversations about how we juggle the way we know we are differently wired toward sex, our mutual commitment to each other, and the emotions of jealousy, inadequacy, etc on her part.

    The good news is, I’ve hardly had any trouble with porn at all. The bad news is, our fantasies are all over the map and are leading us to question very traditional ideas about sex and marriage, and ponder the implications of such fantasies. So far, we have managed to keep our fantasies our fantasies, and in the marriage bed. But fantasizing about my wife with another woman, and her actually enjoying that fantasy with me, has sort of left me feeling guilty.

    I read scriptures like “there shouldn’t even be a HINT of sexual immorality in you” by Paul, and I roll my eyes at such naiveness. I mean, how doesn’t have “even a hint?” We all have thoughts, ideas, cravings, fantasies. I’ve found most men keep it secret — even those who are mouthpieces on these issues. I’ve seen and been part of such hypocrisy about that. Men are almost created in this broken (?) way of being anything but monogamous. I mean, we easily find ourselves in the most intimate, committed, dedicated relationship with our one-woman spouse, but I didn’t stop having sexual thoughts about other women either. Given the chance, we’d have sex with whomever and whenever, particularly if we didn’t feel bad about it. This speaks to the homosexual debate as well, and I suppose, proof that sexual brokenness is all around — even us heterosexuals too?

    Just thinking out loud. My wife and I are dying to talk with anyone about all of this, but we can’t trust anyone. We feel like if we call an Evangelical Counselor, they will simply go down the list of “sins” and call it a day. If we choose a secular-based counselor, they will ignore our faith all-together. We are in such a predicament.

    Heavy hearted, but maritally satisfied.

    Lee

  • http://doyoumeanwhatiknow.wordpress.com/ Angela Young

    I think we find fear at the base of so many of our problems.  Under that – pride?  After my flesh feeding series is finished, I plan to talk about those intentions we have (or maybe as a continuation of that series).  Kids (and many adults) say, “I didn’t mean to.” when they hurt others, but that doesn’t make it right. 

    Fear is one of Satan’s greatest tools to keep us from being all that God intends for us.  Perfect love casts out fear.  So, as we grow closer to the God of perfect love, our fears should decrease.  I think we often hang on to them, however, like a favorite childhood blankie or something, because we are familiar with them.

    Thank you for sharing.  I love that your words make others think :)