The One Thing Every Marriage Needs

August 27, 2012 — 3 Comments

Three years into our marriage we were upside down financially. We had purchased our first home, had two car payments and as many credit cards as my youth pastor salary would allow. We were living paycheck to paycheck. We argued everyday about money. We were stressed about money. Trisha knew we needed help. I was too proud to admit it.

One night we were on our way to our senior pastor’s house for dinner. As we were pulling into the driveway, Trisha said to me, “Just so you know, I took Mark and Rhonda all of our finances today and they are going to help us build a budget tonight after dinner.” I was furious. The last thing I wanted was someone poking around our finances. I didn’t want to be vulnerable. I didn’t want to be held accountable. I didn’t want anyone to know I didn’t have it all together. As a twenty-five year old husband and father of two, the truth was I needed help…but didn’t want to admit it. I’ve learned from that mistake.

That experience taught us a lesson, not just for our marriage, but for every marriage. The one thing every marriage needs is a mentor. Every single marriage needs another couple building into it. Every marriage needs a mentoring couple. Here is the process we’ve gone through to find a mentor.

1. Admit you don’t have it all together. 

Why are we so hesitant to admit we need help? So many of our problems, mistakes and issues get repeated day after day, week after week, year after year simply because we pretend like we’re okay when we are not okay. Pride won’t improve your marriage. Humility will. The first step in this process is simply saying, “We need help.”

2. Invite a couple you admire into your world. 

Whose marriage do you look up to? Who in your life is a stage of life ahead of you; has kids that have turned out well; seem to love each other late in life? God has probably strategically placed a couple in your life that would be honored to be invited into that space. Maybe it’s finances…maybe it’s parenting…maybe it’s business…maybe it’s conflict resolution. You can’t change beyond your own wisdom and experience.

3. Be vulnerable and share your junk.

It does no good to invite a couple to mentor you if you withhold the dark parts of your marriage. Sharing the parts of your marriage that are broken and frustrating is the only way to improve and find healing. Transparency is the key to transformation. Be vulnerable and watch God show up.

The book of James says, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other, that you may be healed.” 

Your marriage doesn’t have to be the same this time next year…but the odds are that it will be the same unless you do something differently.

What has been your experience with mentoring in life or marriage?

In Authenticity, Marriage
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Justin and Trisha

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Justin & Trisha are authors, bloggers, speakers and teachers in Nashville, TN. Their first book, Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough releases January 2013. You can find more info HERE.
  • http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey

    Thanks for sharing. My spouse and I are praying for a couple to fellowship with. A couple we can learn from and also share with, (edify each other in Christ).

  • http://twitter.com/themarriagebed The Marriage Bed

    I agree with you, we all need a mentor. For those of us who have been at it awhile (and we still need a mentor) that means being willing to BE a mentor!

  • Dave

    Ahhh, well yes, a young couple can learn a lot of good from an older couple. My wife and I are in our 16th year of marriage. But longevity in marriage doesn’t necessarily mean the couple has a good handle on their finances. They may have a wealthy/enabling parent that is willing to bail them out or buy them nice things, or if nothing else, be their “backstop” financially causing the couple to never financially mature.

    One of the most effective things you can do with your finances on a personal level is pretend it’s a business. Before you jump to conclusions, what I’m saying is this…Realize that the only money that you REALLY get to keep is what you make over and above your financial obligations. In other words, your PROFITS! Set a goal of making your “business more profitable by cutting unnecessary expenses.

    For example: Let’s say a young husband and wife have a combined income of $40k per year and between rent, car pymt, cell phones, gas, food, insurance, cable, utilities, etc…they’re spending $3,000 a mo. totalling $36k per year. That leaves them with ONLY $4k leftover per YEAR! Divide $4k by 365 and you get roughly $11 a day that you can actually save even though the couple is grossing an avg of $153 per day in a 5 day work week.

    $11 a day is all you have in profit after all your labors? WOW, that should really start to affect our decision making. If the couple is working a combined 65 hours a week, that means together, after all their efforts, they only get to keep .84 cents per hour!

    Whoa. That’s right. Suddenly that $5 beer at dinner makes NO sense, paying someone $12 to wash you car makes NO sense either. Not when you have to work 14 hours to pay for it! That “Smart” phone you have costing $100 a mo? Yup, taking 30% out of your daily “profits.” Have an extra vehicle sitting around? There’s not just insurance costs to factor in. Remember depreciation at 10% a year plus annual registration costs! The list goes on!

    Anyway, this .84 cents per hour, I call this figure your “discretionary hourly rate” or “DHR.” It’s the amount of money you get to keep after expenses divided by the number of hours you or you and your spouse work. Every individual or couple has one. I suggest a great workshop for a group of couples to go through for a short evening together is to pencil down their finances, and then determine the DHR.

    Hope that was an eye opener for you. Now, Maybe this will help some understand why they’ve got so little in savings after working for 10,20 30 years or more. Take this perspective, and you will only spend your money on things that are important.

    And since I have more time ( =P ), I’ll say this. This math can be demoralizing. That’s the point. It can get so back that you can become a hermit because there is not much that you can justify buying when you only really “net” .84 cents per hour. It’s in these cases that I recommend that couple specifically budget some “fun” money so they can not only treat themselves ever so rarely, but have the benefit of looking forward to treating themselves…sort of a two for one deal!!! In this case, with the couple only netting $11 per day on avg, I’d say they should take 10-20% of their net and set it aside for “entertainment.”

    Where to make the cuts is another thing. Food is often the biggest culprit, also vehicle expenses and rent and of course, cell phone bills. A couple of tips here…

    Get a “dumb” phone. Some very inexpensive pre-paid plans out there. My wife has a company issued BB and my daughter and I have a prepaid phone through http://www.platinumtel.com that costs us a combined $9 a month.

    Watch you food choices. Sure, I want the $7.50 combo at the drive through, and I want a shake too, but I eat off the $1 menu. A trip to the golden arches costs me $2.29 for a McDouble and small fries, and I’ll drink a soda at home, or get the .69 cent large soda.

    My wife and I went from spending $1750 in a more swanky/upscale 2 BR condo in a stuffy suburban neighborhood to $1,050 in a 2 br apt. The $8,400 a year saving there is MORE than welcome!

    SUV’s and trucks? Fughettaboutit! With fuel at $4 a gallon or more, even with our desensitivity to it, is still outrageous! Get a small car with good mpg, new or slightly used is still fine, just be modest. We personally leased a Smart car a few months ago, and they’re still leasing them for $99 a month with $1,299 down! Drop that old crusty SUV with all it’s maintenance issues and update your garage. It will calm your nerves, clear your head of worries, AND save you money while creating more space in your garage or driveway.

    If you’re still reading, CONGRATS! You’ve just been enlightened and empowered. =)

    Ahhh, well yes, a young couple can learn a lot of good from an older couple. My wife and I are in our 16th year of marriage. But longevity in marriage doesn’t necessarily mean the couple has a good handle on their finances. They may have a wealthy/enabling parent that is willing to bail them out or buy them nice things, or if nothing else, be their “backstop” financially causing the couple to never financially mature.

    One of the most effective things you can do with your finances on a personal level is pretend it’s a business. Before you jump to conclusions, what I’m saying is this…Realize that the only money that you REALLY get to keep is what you make over and above your financial obligations. In other words, your PROFITS! Set a goal of making your “business more profitable by cutting unnecessary expenses.

    For example: Let’s say a young husband and wife have a combined income of $40k per year and between rent, car pymt, cell phones, gas, food, insurance, cable, utilities, etc…they’re spending $3,000 a mo. totalling $36k per year. That leaves them with ONLY $4k leftover per YEAR! Divide $4k by 365 and you get roughly $11 a day that you can actually save even though the couple is grossing an avg of $153 per day in a 5 day work week.

    $11 a day is all you have in profit after all your labors? WOW, that should really start to affect our decision making. If the couple is working a combined 65 hours a week, that means together, after all their efforts, they only get to keep .84 cents per hour!

    Whoa. That’s right. Suddenly that $5 beer at dinner makes NO sense, paying someone $12 to wash you car makes NO sense either. Not when you have to work 14 hours to pay for it! That “Smart” phone you have costing $100 a mo? Yup, taking 30% out of your daily “profits.” Have an extra vehicle sitting around? There’s not just insurance costs to factor in. Remember depreciation at 10% a year plus annual registration costs! The list goes on!

    Anyway, this .84 cents per hour, I call this figure your “discretionary hourly rate” or “DHR.” It’s the amount of money you get to keep after expenses divided by the number of hours you or you and your spouse work. Every individual or couple has one. I suggest a great workshop for a group of couples to go through for a short evening together is to pencil down their finances, and then determine the DHR.

    Hope that was an eye opener for you. Now, Maybe this will help some understand why they’ve got so little in savings after working for 10,20 30 years or more. Take this perspective, and you will only spend your money on things that are important.

    And since I have more time ( =P ), I’ll say this. This math can be demoralizing. That’s the point. It can get so back that you can become a hermit because there is not much that you can justify buying when you only really “net” .84 cents per hour. It’s in these cases that I recommend that couple specifically budget some “fun” money so they can not only treat themselves ever so rarely, but have the benefit of looking forward to treating themselves…sort of a two for one deal!!! In this case, with the couple only netting $11 per day on avg, I’d say they should take 10-20% of their net and set it aside for “entertainment.”

    Where to make the cuts is another thing. Food is often the biggest culprit, also vehicle expenses and rent and of course, cell phone bills. A couple of tips here…

    Get a “dumb” phone. Some very inexpensive pre-paid plans out there. My wife has a company issued BB and my daughter and I have a prepaid phone through http://www.platinumtel.com that costs us a combined $9 a month.

    Watch you food choices. Sure, I want the $7.50 combo at the drive through, and I want a shake too, but I eat off the $1 menu. A trip to the golden arches costs me $2.29 for a McDouble and small fries, and I’ll drink a soda at home, or get the .69 cent large soda.

    My wife and I went from spending $1750 in a more swanky/upscale 2 BR condo in a stuffy suburban neighborhood to $1,050 in a 2 br apt. The $8,400 a year saving there is MORE than welcome!

    SUV’s and trucks? Fughettaboutit! With fuel at $4 a gallon or more, even with our desensitivity to it, is still outrageous! Get a small car with good mpg, new or slightly used is still fine, just be modest. We personally leased a Smart car a few months ago, and they’re still leasing them for $99 a month with $1,299 down! Drop that old crusty SUV with all it’s maintenance issues and update your garage. It will calm your nerves, clear your head of worries, AND save you money while creating more space in your garage or driveway.

    If you’re still reading, CONGRATS! You’ve just been enlightened and empowered. =)