Justin and Trisha

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3 Steps Forward, 2 Steps Back

April 25, 2011 — 13 Comments

My entire life I’ve heard the phrase “Three steps forward, two steps back.” This phrase is rarely used as a declaration of achievement. Most of the time that I have used it is has been an admission of failure. I have not made as much progress in a particular area of my life that I had hoped…I took three steps forward and two steps back. I have said this phrase ashamed, disappointed and defeated.

I heard someone the other day say this phrase and it caused me to think through the “two steps back” moments of my life. Would I love to always take three steps forward? Absolutely! Would I love to achieve perfection in every area of my life? Yes! But what God has taught me is that life is more about my journey of transformation than my ability to be perfect (or pretend to be perfect).

Here are a few things “two steps back” has provided:

Perspective: there are times that I only appreciate the three steps I have taken forward after I realize I’ve taken two steps back. I am often so consumed by moving forward it isn’t until I fail that I stop and see how far God has brought me.
Humility: why is it that success can cause me to think how great I am but failure can cause me to realize how great God is? There are times that my two steps back in life, marriage, parenting or ministry has allowed me to realize that there is a God, and I am not Him.
My Need for Grace: I grew up thinking grace was an event. The receiving of God’s grace was what occurred at the moment of salvation. What I’ve realized in the two steps back moments in life is that I need God’s grace every single day. It is what not only saves me, but sustains me.
Determination to Take 3 More Steps: I want the failures in my life not to define me but to help me. I want to learn and grow and become more of the person God has created me to be, and often that comes through failure. Taking two steps back allows me to see how important taking three more steps forward will be. It provides me fuel to continue on the journey to become more like Christ.

God isn’t interested in you being perfect. He wants you to be teachable. He wants to transform you. Often that process of transformation looks like “three steps forward, then two steps back.” Don’t be discouraged. Be determined. Learn the things God has for you in the two steps so you can take three more steps.

Remember three minus two is still progress.

In Character, Transformation

It Will Feel Like It’s Over, But It’s Not Over

April 23, 2011 — 12 Comments

Two days after I confessed the affair, I found myself at the home of a very good friend. He agreed to allow me to stay at his house until Trisha and I could determine if our marriage would survive.

We were approaching the door and he grabbed my arm. I looked at him in his eyes and he said, “It will feel like it’s over, but it’s not over.” I had no idea what he meant. A few minutes later, I walked into a room with every article of clothing I owned stacked in boxes against the wall. In that moment, it felt like it was over.

My identity. My marriage. My life.

Something had died. There was no sign of life. There was no hope. There was no prospect of a new beginning. No indication that anything good would ever come out of something so destructive.

That is the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter. Silent. Hopeless. Quiet. Dark. Lifeless. The body is in the tomb. The stone hasn’t moved. The feeling of loss still cuts to the bone. It seems like it’s over…but it’s not over.

Your marriage may have ended

Your job may have been lost

Your relationship with your son may be estranged

Your health may be deteriorating

Your dream may have died

Your friend may have hurt you

Your parents may have walked out on you

It may feel like it’s over. It may feel like death has won. It may feel like the tomb will have the last word. It may feel like you will never survive the circumstances you’re in right now. It may feel like it’s over-but Easter reminds us-it’s not over.

As long as you have breath, God has a plan.

As long as you have a heart beat, God has a mission.

As long as you have faith, God specializes in resurrections.

Today is Saturday.

The day of silence.

The day of sadness.

The day of quiet.

The day of death.

To experience a resurrection, something has to die. It may feel like it’s over, but it’s not over.

Your resurrection is near.

In Faith, Redemption

Repost Friday: 8 Things that Restored Our Marriage Part 4

April 22, 2011 — Leave a comment

The X Factor – “An unknown or hard-to-define influence; a factor with unknown or unforeseeable consequences.”

I would venture to say that the “X Factor” could easily be changed to the “seX Factor” in most marriages today. Sex seems to be the “unknown or hard-to-define influence” in our marital relationships. I have had several conversations with women, regardless if they have been married 2 or 20 years, and most question the role sexual intimacy should play in their marriage. We know that men think about sex every 7 seconds, but do we really know why? Women (especially those who grew-up in the church) were taught not to talk about sex or have sex because God said so…end of story. Women hear of men struggling with pornography, lust, masturbation and affairs but most of us are ill equipped to know how to respond and so….

We chalk it up as the “X Factor” in our marriage and that we as women will never fully understand our husband’s sexual desires. We feel confused and ashamed and don’t know why we hate, resent or avoid sex. Worse yet, we do know why and the haunting memories of a bad sexual relationship in our past is too painful to get over. If you’re a guy reading this your probably shouting “you go girl, tell my wife sex is good”. If your a woman your probably saying “umm… duh? This is exactly how I feel so what?” One of the most profound principles we have discovered in our move away from destruction is:

Restoration Principle #4: Sexual intimacy, mutually offered, unleashes God’s full desire for your marriage.

Because Justin and I were not virgins coming into our marriage we thought we could somehow redeem our relationship if WE didn’t have sex before our wedding. I can honestly say we did refrain, but it didn’t fix or create a healthy road for sexual intimacy in future years. We were married for 4 months and I got pregnant. Not only was the area of sex new to me in my relationship with Justin, but being pregnant seemed to complicate things at a whole new level. During the first 10 years of our marriage, I found myself camped in the “I don’t really get you and your sex drive” and/or “you made me mad today so no sex for you”. The pattern went something like this… Justin would want to have sex… I wouldn’t… sometimes I gave in… most times I didn’t. If the baby was asleep, laundry done and the moon was aligned with Jupiter I would even offer it to him first.

Until the affair, I didn’t understand how God created both Justin and me for sexual intimacy. I assumed if he was wanting to go there after I spent the day “giving” to kids, laundry, friends and regular life events then he was just plain SELFISH! At some point in our relationship I permanently camped out in this mindset and found that not only did I not understand sex, I didn’t really care to.

Facts about the seX Factor: When a boy starts puberty his body will create sperm that will transfer to storage sacks that when are at capacity will naturally release from the body. I share this piece of information because this is an innocent process of change. There is no baggage or agenda, just a simple fact of nature. But somehow, what is natural and how God intended has become grossly misunderstood. And many of us have been left confused as to how to respond in our marriage relationship. This was a HUGE hurdle for Justin and I to jump over to really have the sexual intimacy God wanted for us. Men have a true PHYSICAL need for intimacy.

After Justin and I separated, not only was I leery of being friends with him, I was petrified of becoming lovers. I leaned on my old understanding of what I thought sex was while trying deal with the hurt Justin had caused. In the weeks that followed, God totally shattered those old thoughts and gave me a new view of sex. I love the way the Message paraphrases this scripture:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (The Message) “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

I learned that Justin wasn’t being selfish but had a true physical AND spiritual need that God would use to bring us close in a way that only this type of intimacy could. Justin also learned how my need for intimacy came through the expression of his words and his actions. Grace is freely given but trust is earned! As Justin slowly earned back my trust and I felt that he was repentant and willing to do whatever it took to grow in this area then, and ONLY then, could this journey move forward. We have learned to be on this journey TOGETHER and fight for it to no longer be the X Factor in our marriage but the catalyst for growth and development as a couple. Not only is Justin my best friend, he is my lover.

Our experience in moving from destruction to restoration has come from understanding and embracing this principle. Sexual intimacy is God’s gift to us as husband and wife to protect, satisfy and guard our relationship.

In 8 Things, Marriage, Sex

It’s Easy to Drift

April 20, 2011 — 9 Comments

Most people don’t get married so they can be unhappy. Most people don’t stand in front of a church full of people and pledge their love for each other thinking they will be standing in a courtroom dividing their property and arguing over custody of their kids.

Most marriages just drift to these places. Most drift to mediocrity. It’s not something we intend to happen…it’s just something that we allow to happen. After a while our marriage is the way it is and we settle for it.

As Trisha and I have evaluated our own relationship and talked with several other married couples, there are some things that signal a marriage that is drifting:

You can’t remember when you last went on a date together
Most of your communication is over email or text message
The time you have together in the evening is spent watching TV
All of your conversations center around finances, kids or schedules
Your sex life has no passion or drive and no desire to restore passion
You feel more excited to see someone at work than you do your spouse
Your kid sleeps in the bed with you more than 1 night a week and you don’t think that is a problem
You don’t hold hands spontaneously or kiss each other any more
There is no spiritual aspect to your relationship
You don’t laugh or joke around any more

As we have said before…great marriages don’t happen. Great marriages are a choice. The great thing is that today could be the day you choose to stop drifting. Today could be the day you turn it around. It won’t be easy. It won’t be instant…but nothing worth having is easy or instant. It will be worth it.

What do you do to prevent a drift in your marriage?

In Life, Marriage

Drywall, Mulch and Flowers… Knowing My Heart

April 19, 2011 — 4 Comments

Everywhere you look in Nashville Tennessee it’s apparent that spring is in the air. Amongst the hills are beautiful colors of purple, white and pink blanketing the trees. It’s this time of the year where I’m reminded of how creative God is and my love for His creation.

Our family moved to the house we are currently in the first week of September. Fall had settled in and winter was quickly approaching. The front of our house had a landscape filled with dead bushes and trees. It was begging for me to give it some tender loving care but the weather and our finances wouldn’t allow it.

It is now eight months later and as I eagerly wait to annoy my family with “Look how beautiful that tree is” spring has finally come. With a budget in place and the warm sun on my face I went to work on my blank canvas. I was like a kid in a candy store. As the hours passed my family would come out from time to time smiling and lending encouraging words like “great job” or “that’s pretty.”

By the time I finished I had planted 20 plants. My landscape was complete… well kinda. I had spent my budget all on plants and ran out of money for mulch! Justin came out to see my masterpiece and he could tell it was hard for me to enjoy the picture knowing that something was missing. So I gently asked, “when can I get mulch” He said “next paycheck.” The sigh that came from my mouth was like a kid who had just struck out for the third time. It makes me giggle thinking about what a five-year-old I was that day.

I spent this past weekend in Little Rock Arkansas with my fourteen-year-old’s AAU basketball team. Away from home, my calendar, my yard and other projects that needed my attention lost in the world of basketball. I even forgot that my birthday was just around the corner.

So after four games and twelve hours in the car we finally arrived home. As I stepped out of the van I noticed that our big beautiful oak tree looked so pretty. Then I noticed that not only my trees looked pretty but my landscaping did too! Justin had surprised me with mulch!

What is so cool is that not only did he surprise me with mulch but with drywall! When we first moved in we were able to hang the TV but didn’t have an outlet that would let us hide its wires. Family and friends would jokingly take shots at our hanging wirers and I’m not going to lie- it looked goofy. But like all things, goofy became normal and we quickly forgot they were there.

But thanks to our dear friend Blake Bergstrom (who only assisted) Justin in the handling of cutting out drywall and putting in a brand new electrical outlet My living room looks awesome and now I “have” to paint, which I love to do!

But even sweeter than the beauty of my landscaping and the now normal looking wall is that Justin knows my heart. He doesn’t care what or if there are any bushes in our yard. He doesn’t care that a hundred wires are hanging from our TV. But he does know how much these projects would mean to me. My love language is acts of services and not only did he speak my language he did it in an intimate way.

Intimacy is being fully known and Sunday I felt just that.

Is there a way, large or small that you could speak your spouse’s love language this week?

In Intimacy, Life, Marriage

The Practice of Remembering

April 18, 2011 — 2 Comments

If I’m honest, I can get to a place in my life where God’s grace is routine. The story of the Cross becomes familiar. The Easter story is just that…a story.

I want to live with a moment by moment awareness of and gratitude for grace. Over the past five years, I have tried to develop a habit that has helped me live in grace and not just have it be a term I use because I am a Christian…I call it the practice of remembering.

As we speak, write and meet with people, I have been accused of “living in the past.” People have thought we talk about the past too much…we share too much of our past…we should let the past be the past and just move on. I get it. I understand what they mean, because I know how hard it can be to talk about the past.

I want to remember the past but not live there. Over and over again, the Bible records commands that God gave His people to remember. Remember His faithfulness. Remember His rescue. Remember when they were in desperate need of His grace…and He gave it.

God knew we would forget. God knew we would take His faithfulness for granted. God knew He would become a story we talked about rather than a Savior we worshiped.

Here are a few questions I ask myself to help me remember:

Can I remember the last time I was overwhelmed by grace?
Do I remember the day I met Jesus?
Do I remember how desperate I was for grace and God gave it?
Do I remember the moment I needed a second chance, and God extended more than that?

When is the last time you allowed your heart to go there? That day that you realized that grace was for you…God wanted you to be his son coming home from a distant country…God wanted you to find your identity as His daughter…not in your performance or your attempt at perfection…but as His beloved. When is the last time you remembered all that He saved you from and the purpose He saved you to?

Maybe the difference in grace being something you talk about and something you live in is this practice of remembering. It has transformed my relationship with God.

Do you struggle with taking grace for granted?

In Faith, Grace, Transformation

Mission Impossible, Made Possible

April 15, 2011 — 2 Comments

You can ask my family I don’t do well with asking for ANYTHING. So when Justin and I started talking about the possibility of meeting with some amazing leaders at Exponential I knew at some point money would have to be discussed.

So we dreamed about what future plans God may have for RefineUs…

We prayed that God would give us wisdom…

We became teary-eyed over the thought that someone was willing to listen to our vision…

We planned how to best share our passion and vision during our gathering and the details of how to make it a positive experience for those came…

Then we finally got to the question I dreaded discussing…

“How are we going to financially make this happen?”

In a step of faith (and maybe a little jolt of panic on my part) we asked for our RefineUs community’s help to raise the funds needed to make this trip a possibility. Within 12 hours we were blessed with the EXACT amount needed. It’s so humbling to ask for help. Even though I know how much I enjoy giving. I guess I’m just not a good receiver!

I thought it fitting that I would be the one to write this note of thanks. It’s an opportunity for me to practice what I preach!

Often times Justin and I are encouraging our readers to choose hard things in order for God to restore what may have been lost or broken. Today I am choosing to humbly thank you for making our mission impossible POSSIBLE! Thank you for your amazing generosity not only financially but how many of you have stayed faithful as readers willing to share our story of loss, brokenness and redemption with a hurting world. Thank you for being a part of the vision of RefineUs!

To ignite a movement of marriage refinement and redemption in pastors and churches around the world.

In Events, Leadership, Ministry

Moving Our Vision Forward

April 14, 2011 — 21 Comments

Our vision for RefineUs is: To ignite a movement of marriage refinement and redemption in pastors and churches around the world.

That is our heart beat.

That is our vision.

That vision has played out in several different ways over the past two years. Individual marriage coaching; marriage crisis coaching and intervention; speaking at churches; launching our resource web site; speaking at conferences; developing and sharing our marriage seminar in several churches; writing our blog; preparing to write our book; consulting with pastors.

Those are just a few of the ways God has used RefineUs. A few days ago, we were presented with an incredible opportunity that could move our mission forward in a big way. We have been asked to host a breakfast with 5-7 of the largest church planting organizations in the country at a conference in Orlando, FL. At this breakfast, we will be able to share our story, the vision that we have to help pastors and their wives BEFORE their marriage implodes. The beauty of this opportunity is that we will be able to partner with the leaders of church planting organization so they can then make changes in how they plant churches and the resources they provide for pastors.

We need your help to make this breakfast happen. There are travel expenses, and logistical costs involved in making this breakfast happen. We very rarely seek donations. We have been able to develop resources and cover some travel expenses with the donations we have received this year. This trip was unplanned and not in our budget.

If you would like to help us make this breakfast happen, you can make a tax-deductible donation on our web site HERE:

Even if you can’t give financially, we’d appreciate your prayers as we are going to do our best to make this trip happen. We will fly down on Wednesday, April 27 and fly back on Thursday April 28. The breakfast will be the morning of the 28th.

Thank you so much for your belief in our ministry and mission. Thank you for your prayers and your support!

UPDATE: We are so grateful for your generosity. As of 4:00 PM Central time, we have had $460 of the $1000 we need donated. Thank you so much!

How can we pray for you today?

In Church, Events, Ministry

Recharge

April 13, 2011 — 2 Comments

Last week, through the gift of a very good friend, Trisha went to the Grand Caymans on a cruise. She had a blast! The ocean is her love language. She loves the ocean and finds relaxation there more than anywhere else. Did she miss me? Yea, I think. But she needed that time. She needed to recharge.

While she was away, life went on as usual for me. Actually, it was more intense than usual, as I came face to face with EVERYTHING Trisha does to make this place run. The boys showed me grace, as they realized very quickly that mom is gone; dad is trying to be mom; he will not succeed.

When Trisha got home on Thursday, I could see that she was rested. It was awesome. I knew that God had given her the rest that she desperately needed.

I needed rest too…but would have to find it in a different way. It had been a long week without her. I had two wedding rehearsals on Friday and two weddings I was performing on Saturday. So my weekend seemed void of the break I knew I needed. Then I had an idea.

On Saturday, Trisha and I met after my second wedding at our favorite restaurant, which is something that she really enjoys. Then we went to the movies, which is something I really enjoy. It was a great night.

Thinking back on the weekend, that night was important. I was running on empty. Life had been going at breakneck speed for a while for me. I couldn’t jump on a cruise ship or take a vacation. Because I was in tune with what drains me and what fills me up, we had a date night that allowed me to recharge and reconnect with Trish.

You need to recharge. You need to take a break. You need to find something that you enjoy and carve out time for it. It doesn’t have to be a big trip or a vacation. Find little ways to get away. You won’t drift into resting…you will have to choose it. All of your relationships will benefit from that choice.

What do you do to recharge and refresh in your own life?

In Life, Marriage, Relationships

Finding Redemption From Failure Part 2

April 12, 2011 — 4 Comments

Yesterday, I shared with you two reasons why we forfeit the work God longs to do in our heart when we fail. God’s desire is redemption. But so often we think we can redeem ourselves.

1. We hide our failures.

2. We aren’t sorry (to the point of change) for our failures.

God longs to redeem. He longs to make new. He is the God of second chances. While God longs to bring redemption about in our lives, we have a part to play in the redemption story of our life.

The first two mistakes we talked about had a lot to do with how we view failure and our perception of it. The final two things we are discussing have more to do with our view of ourselves after our failure has been exposed. Here are two things I’ve seen in my own life that prevent God from using our failures for His redemptive purposes:

3. Being paralyzed by the fear of failing again.

When we got out of ministry in 2005, I swore I would never go back. The pain of my failure was far reaching. I had destroyed my family. I had devastated another family. I had crushed an entire church. I had no desire to go back into ministry because I was so fearful that I would fail again. I can remember moving to Nashville with a sick feeling in my stomach as we reentered ministry. What if I can’t do this? What if I make more mistakes? Those two words, “What if” almost derailed God’s redemptive work in me. I was more concerned about “what if” than I was about “what God”. “What if “captured more of my attention than what God wanted to do in and through me. There is a time for confession. There is a time for remorse and repentance. But there is a part of our heart that is not redeemed when we give into the fear of failing. We rob God of the recreation He is doing in our heart.

4. Being unwilling to forgive yourself.

When we come to terms with our failure, there is no doubt that we understand how our failure hurt others. The lies that we told; the gossip we shared; the lust we tucked away; the person we used; the money we took…each of those choices cost someone other than us. Often what prevents us from experiencing the redemption that God longs to bring us isn’t the forgiveness we desire from God…or from the person/persons we hurt or offended. The forgiveness that we need most often to experience redemption is from ourselves. We fail to go through the process of forgiveness in our own heart. The result is that we walk around ashamed and defeated. Shame is the enemy of redemption. Shame robs you. Guilt tries to follow you. If you are going to experience the redemption that God has in mind for you, you have to forgive yourself.

You may be the biggest barrier to the new work God longs to you in you today.

Which of these two things cause you the most difficulty in your life?

In Accountability, Authenticity, Character