Archives For Faith

Overcoming Burnout

May 22, 2013 — 5 Comments

I’ve struggled with burnout several times and in several seasons of life and ministry. Some seasons of burnout were fixed by a vacation or a weekend away. Other seasons of burnout were accompanied by a deep depression and an inability on my part to “fix” it.

A few months ago, I found myself in the latter place. Tired. Depressed. Unmotivated. Exhausted. Grouchy. Spiritually dry. I could feel it.

Our book released in January; our travel schedule went bonkers; I transitioned to a part-time role at Cross Point; our kids’ sports schedule was hectic. I felt burnt out.

Then we went on vacation. In my mind this would fix me. This was just what I needed. This would reset my energy level and fill my tank.

But it didn’t.

I’ve lived most of my Christian life believing I was in control of burnout. I believed I could do certain things to avoid it or if I wasn’t wise enough to avoid it then I could do certain things to overcome it.

Vacation…didn’t work. But I have a formula. I have a “get out of burnout jail free” plan.

  • Guard my calendar and don’t overcommit 
  • Set boundaries and don’t open my computer or check email in the evening
  • Go out on dates with Trish
  • Spend extra time with the boys
  • Take a day off
  • Have a quiet time
  • Pray more
  • Read the Bible more

These things will fix me.

A few weeks after vacation I remember praying this prayer, “God I am doing all of these things and I’m still exhausted. Why aren’t you showing up? I’m doing my part, you need to do yours. Reenergize me.”

Then I came across this passage of scripture in Matthew from Jesus (Message version):

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.  Matthew 11:28-30

 What I realized is that burnout isn’t a condition of our calendar; burnout is a condition of our heart.

I was trying to DO all of these things to overcome burnout and in the process burnt out more. The things I was trying to do became heavy burdens I carried. I was forcing the rhythm of grace in my life and heart.

I felt God speak to my heart, “Stop focusing on what you are doing and start focusing on who you are becoming. I don’t want you to DO; I want you to BE.”

Overcoming burnout happens as we shift from doing to being.

Here are a few things God is challenging me to BE as I deal with burnout, I hope they are helpful to you.

1. Be Broken. 

Brokenness is simply remembering your need for God and your inability to be God. It is living as if grace is truly amazing and you’d be lost without it. Brokenness is a daily awareness of your desperation for Jesus.

2. Be Honest. 

Christians are the most dishonest people I know. We have a keen ability to fake each other out. Our goal is to impress others with how put together we are, but we fail to realize the damage our dishonesty does to our own heart. Being honest about how you are doing is one of the first steps to overcoming burnout and living light and free.

3. Be You. 

A direct path to burnout is comparison. We compare other’s wins to our loses We are jealous of other’s success, not their faithfulness. We see their platform not their failures. We compare who others are in public to who we are in private. God didn’t create you to copy or mimic someone else. He created you to be you. Freedom is found as you feel comfortable in your own skin.

4. Be Humble. 

There is a difference between humility and insecurity. Humility makes you small and Jesus big. Insecurity makes you wish you were big and causes Jesus to be small. Ask for help. Confess your hurts, struggles and weaknesses to someone. Get counseling. Counseling isn’t a sign of weakness. It is a sign of humility and wisdom.

These are four things I am asking God to help me become. When I focus on becoming, the doing of Christianity doesn’t feel as heavy.

How do you overcome burnout in your life? 

 

In Authenticity, Character, Faith
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The Most Important Thing You Can Give Your Kids

May 20, 2013 — 2 Comments

A few months ago I felt God prompt me to get away with my boys for the weekend. So this past weekend the four of us went to Father/Son camp in Indiana through an organization called Mission Uprising. We had a blast.

But God used the weekend to expose some things in me and some things in my relationship with my boys that need my attention.

So today, I come to you not as an expert, but as a student. I’m not sharing with you things I learned a few years ago and have mastered. I’m sharing with you things God spoke into me this weekend that rocked my world and are challenging my heart.

The most important thing we can give our kids is TIME. 

Time is our most precious resource. It is precious because it doesn’t stop and we can’t get it back. Once it is gone it’s gone. I realized that truth this weekend as I looked at my almost seventeen year-old son, my fourteen year-old son and my ten year-old son and thought, “Where did time go?”

Here are four things God is teaching me about fatherhood, relationships and my relationship with my boys.

1. My kids need my time more than they need stuff.

I’ve often equated my success as a father by the stuff I can give my kids. The house we live in; the clothes they have; the activities or camps they’ve been involved with. I have seen providing as fathering. This weekend, one of the activities we did discussing one question, “What is one thing you need from me as your dad?” Not one of them said, “More stuff.” All three of them in their own way said, “More time with you.” I need to relearn what success looks like as a father.

2. My kids need my time more than they need to be time stamped.

My kids have their Instagram or Facebook picture face down. They know how to pose. They know how to stop arguing so we can show the world how much we love each other. My kids also know the difference between taking a picture to mark the moment and taking a picture to make a moment. One is authentic the other is fabricated. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with Instagraming or Facebooking pics of your kids. I did it several times this weekend. But I can often be more present online than I am in real life with my boys and that is what I want to be aware of and change.

3. I can teach crowds about Jesus from a stage but my kids learn about Him as I invest in their lives one on one. 

I speak and teach about Jesus for a living. My kids see me on a stage often talking about Jesus. But what they need most and what I want to do most for them is take the time one on one to share Jesus with them. I want them to see me live out my love for Jesus, not just speak about Him. That can only happen as I get off the stage and get eye to eye, face to face, knee to knee with my boys and invest in them.

4. Being together doesn’t equal time together. 

I’ve learned this principle over the past few months as Trish and I have been together a lot. We work from our home office together. We have traveled a lot together, but it doesn’t equal quality time together. The same is true with my kids. Time together is what they crave and I’ve often equated being together with investment. Sharing the same space at the same time doesn’t mean we are sharing our hearts with one another. I want to grow in this area.

Life is busy and hard and there is no instruction manual for parenting. You can read books and go to conferences and watch instructional videos, but nothing prepares you for the challenge of raising kids.

But what I am learning, almost seventeen years into this adventure is that nothing replaces time. It is the most precious, most desirable and most important thing you can give your kids.

In Authenticity, Faith, Parenting
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Always Room for Hope

May 16, 2013 — Leave a comment

Sometimes the best gifts we can give to others are words. Words are powerful. They can build us up or tear us down. Sometimes words can even bring healing like a gentle rain to a parched field.

Below is a video of one my (Trisha) dearest friends, Eve, interviewing her mom. Carolyn Annunziato has been battling cancer and is now at home with hospice. But don’t let the words cancer and hospice scare you. Even as her health has started to deteriorate, her passion for Jesus is stronger than ever.

Her words are honest and filled with more truth and love than I know what to do with. Regardless if your soul is weary and dry or full and content I pray Carolyn’s words will leave you encouraged that no matter what life brings you there is always room for HOPE.

(Thank you Eve for this beautiful treasure)

In Faith
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10 Things I Believe and Why

May 8, 2013 — 7 Comments

As parents, Trish and I are constantly picking up after our kids. If we aren’t picking up after them, we are getting on them to pick up after themselves. Pick up your towel. Pick up your cereal bowl. Pick up your socks. Pick up your shoes. They have a natural talent of leaving things behind. They are truly gifted in this area.

The other night I came into our bedroom and there were a few papers laying on our bed and on our bed side table. My first thought was, “I can’t believe someone left their papers in our room.” Then I picked up the papers and started reading what our 14-year old son Elijah had written and left behind.

10 Things I Believe and Why

  1. I believe Jesus rose from the grave, because without it I wouldn’t be living for anything.
  2. I believe this world is broken because of our fall in the beginning.
  3. I believe since the world is broken that Jesus can mend it.
  4. I believe that by Jesus resurrecting from the dead, I am saved. Without that belief I would be plagued by guilt each and every day.
  5. I believe I can change the world because I was born for something big.
  6. I believe the names that people call me are not what I am.
  7. I believe I’m Elijah. I’m compassionate, loving, serving, a dreamer, trustworthy, crazy and faithful because that is what God has gifted to me.
  8. I believe I can do anything though God because if not I wouldn’t be enthusiastic about anything.
  9. I believe family, God and friends are the main things in life because God has called us to have community and worship Him.
  10. I believe what God has in store for me is bigger than what I plan.

Are you serious?

This kid can leave papers on my bed anytime he wants.

Honestly, I was speechless. My wife is obviously a great mom! Numbers 5 and 6 stick out to me: A desire to change the world in #5 met by the resistance of others in #6.

I wanted to share it with you today because this list challenged me. What are 10 things I believe and why? Do I ever take the time to think through them?

We act out of our beliefs. What we believe about God and what we believe about ourselves are the two most powerful guiding beliefs we have. Most of our choices, mistakes and regrets are an overflow of these two core beliefs.

Don’t be discouraged today. Don’t be distracted. Don’t allow your circumstances or your past or your pain to define you. God has a plan for you.

As Elijah writes in #10, His plan is bigger than your plan.

I hope this list inspires you. Let’s all contribute to the list today.

What is one thing you believe and why?

In Faith
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What It’s Not About

May 6, 2013 — 4 Comments

What if I told you that your greatest struggle, your most repeated sin (the one you have promised yourself and God you’ll never do again, but you keep on doing it) is probably only a symptom of a much bigger deal in your life?

In our story, the affair gets all the attention; has all the shock value and raises all the questions. But the truth is it was only a symptom. There was something much deeper. I think the same is true for you.

  • Your impulsive shopping and overspending isn’t about your need for more clothes or more stuff
  • Your affair or your spouse’s affair isn’t about that other specific person
  • Your craving to overeat isn’t about the food
  • Your addiction to pornography isn’t about you not finding your wife or your husband attractive
  • Your willingness to give too much of yourself away sexually early in a dating relationship isn’t about willpower or not being strong enough to resist temptation

Our Christian thought process is pretty simple: If we would try harder or be more accountable, then we could stop whatever it is we know we need to stop. We’re just not a good enough Christian.

But what if your sin or habit wasn’t even about that sin our habit?

Each of these situations, though they look different on the surface originate with one desire and one need: Intimacy

It’s not a very manly word, but it is a Godly word. You and I were created to have intimacy with God, and intimacy with one another. Somewhere in our life that desire got distorted. We became more prone to hide than to be known; more prone to pretend than be authentic; more prone to try to earn love than to receive love without conditions.

Have you ever felt like there are parts of your heart that no one can know about? I have for sure. So we hide or indulge or overeat or impulse shop, or pursue someone other than our spouse, or chat online or download porn or sleep around.

We desire to be known and to be loved, but intimacy is distorted and so we try to find it in a way that leave us…….regretful and ashamed.

We convince ourself that no one, including God, can really know us, because if they did, they wouldn’t love us. Rejection is our greatest fear.

Intimacy isn’t something you can stop needing. You need it. But if your need for it and your desire of it is broken, then you start trying to find it and fulfill it in messed up ways. So we cheat and we lie and we pretend and we compromise. And the cycle begins to repeat itself and build on itself until one day you wake up and have no idea how you got to the place you are at.

Here is the truth today: Your Heavenly Father longs for you to experience intimacy with Him. To know Him and be known by Him; to love Him and be unconditionally loved by Him in return.

You can go through your life like I did trying to be good enough and strong enough and perfect enough and you can focus on all the symptoms of your problem. Or you can pursue intimacy with a God who loves you and a Savior who longs to redeem you.

Intimacy starts with allowing a part of your heart that isn’t known to be known by God and by someone else. Everyone can choose to take that step today.

That’s what it’s really about.

In Faith, Intimacy, Transformation
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5 Lies We Believe

April 26, 2013 — Leave a comment

We are in a series at Cross Point called 5 Lies We Believe. It has been a great series for us as a church to step back and really filter the things we believe and the effect those things have on our life. I spoke last Sunday on the The Search for Significance. I’ve had several people ask when the message would be online, so I wanted to share it with you today.

In Church, Faith
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Wanting More

April 17, 2013 — 3 Comments

I want to be desperate for God. I want to desire an intimate relationship with God more than I desire anything else. What is true about me, and maybe true about you is that I tend to pursue and am desperate for what God can do for me, more than I am desperate for God, Himself. I am desperate for the benefits of having a relationship with God, more than I am desperate for the relationship itself. So I find myself pursuing things that I think will satisfy, but always leave me wanting more. I’m…

  • Desperate for acceptance
  • Desperate for approval
  • Desperate for intimacy
  • Desperate for relationships
  • Desperate for happiness

If we are honest, many of us are more desperate to improve our lives than we are to know more deeply the One who is life. We have this equation in our mind that we calculate often:

My life + Jesus = Nice Christian Life

If we are a Christian, God will give us a good marriage. If we are a Christian, God will give us a good relationship with our kids. If we are a Christian, God will give us deep and meaningful friendships. If we are a Christian, God will give us a faithful spouse. If we are a Christian, God will give us a level of happiness that will surpass all of the troubles of life. If we are a Christian, God will give us a fulfilling career. If we are a Christian, God will give us…….

So many of us sit in brokenness because we are Christians, and yet, God hasn’t “given” us what we thought He would (should).

I know this way of living, because I have lived it. I’m tempted everyday to live it again.

Maybe you are living it right now. You can’t put your finger on what is wrong, but you know deep down in your heart, something isn’t right. There is a sense of restlessness, a sense of disappointment, a sense of loss that you feel, but don’t know why. You are unsatisfied…

  • Unsatisfied with your job
  • Unsatisfied with your marriage
  • Unsatisfied with your kids
  • Unsatisfied with your church
  • Unsatisfied with your life

Maybe we are desperate for the wrong things…not bad things, just the wrong things. Maybe we are seeking what God can offer us more than we are seeking God.

Maybe what your marriage needs most is for you to stop seeking to be right, and just seek God. Maybe what your kids need most is for you to stop seeking to rule over them, and just seek God more. Maybe what will allow you to experience more joy at work is to seek God in spite of your circumstances.

Here is God’s promise to you today: You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

Seeking God won’t change our circumstances, but it will change our hearts. That is where lasting transformation begins.

 

In Faith, Transformation
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The Wounded Healer

April 15, 2013 — 10 Comments

Trish and I spent the weekend in Buda, Texas speaking at The Connection Church. Early Saturday morning, Trish was sitting on the couch and I was standing looking over my notes, when she looked up from her phone with a sad look on her face.

“Justin, I want you to know Brennan Manning passed away.” She was scrolling through Twitter and started seeing numerous Brennan Manning quotes and saw that he’d passed away on Friday.

A few months after the affair, Trisha and I began reading Abba’s Child together. God started pulling back layers of our heart that we’d never seen before. I’m convinced that without Abba’s Child, our marriage wouldn’t have survived, our ministry wouldn’t exist and I would still live with unresolved brokenness and wounds.

God used Abba’s Child in such powerful ways in my life, I had to include Brennan Manning in the acknowledgements in our book:

bm

In 2009, Trish and I had just shared our story publicly for the first time and had been advised to start a blog. We weren’t sure if we should do it.

There is a lot of risk in sharing the messy and broken parts of your life. It would be easier to not share; easier to move on from our past and not keep talking about it. Around that same time, I came across this quote from Brennan Manning:

Christians who remain in hiding continue to live the lie. We deny the reality of our sin. In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others. We cling to our bad feelings and beat ourselves with the past when what we should do is let it go. As Dietrich Bonhoffer said, “guilt is an idol.” But when we dare to live as forgiven men and women, we join the wounded healers and draw closer to Jesus.

That became the heartbeat of RefineUs. This is a community of wounded healers overcoming fear and shame to bring light into the dark parts of our heart, and hopefully inspiring others to do the same.

For many of us the church hasn’t been the place we have gone for healing, but rather a place to conceal our wounds. We live with guilt as our identity instead of forgiveness. We’ve learned that living the lie is a lot more acceptable than coming out of hiding.

I don’t know where you are in your life today. Maybe you have realized that you can’t erase your past, so maybe you can outrun it…but you are tired and worn out. Maybe your life is filled with fear and shame and you can’t see past your own guilt to even begin to embrace the love of Christ. Maybe you have tried so hard to hide your woundedness that you’ve lost your belief that healing is possible.

This is a community of wounded healers. We are mess-ups and failures. We have lied and cheated and envied and hated.

But guilt is not our idol.

Shame does not define us.

Darkness doesn’t have the last word.

Redemption is our story.

Together, with many thanks to Brennan Manning, we are drawing closer to Jesus.

 

In Books, Faith, Redemption
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Four Fears of the Workaholic

April 9, 2013 — 19 Comments

A few weeks ago Trish and I were getting ready to go to bed and the tension in our room was thick. There had been no argument. There was no disagreement. But there was distance. Something was wrong. You could feel it.

As we were laying there, I finally just said it, “What is the deal? What is wrong?”

Silence.

“Trish, please tell me.”

“Okay. You are a workaholic. You don’t know how to turn it off and not only can I not go at that speed, I’m worried about you.”

Her words weren’t an accusation, they were more like a diagnosis.

I had nothing to feel defensive about because every word she said was true. I could feel God affirming her words as they moved from my head to my heart.

I was confused and frustrated. I thought I had conquered workaholism. After our marriage imploded…after we separated, I was different. We were different. I knew my priorities. I had boundaries and I didn’t find my identity in my job or title any more. How did I get back to this place?

The next week, we left for vacation. Our travel schedule had been hectic. Our kids schedule had been full. This would be a week of us together, in one place, relaxing.

Monday morning, I got up before everyone and Trisha’s words still played in my head. Tears streamed down my face and I repeated those words out loud as a confession to God. “I’m a workaholic, God. I don’t want to be. I am asking for your forgiveness and I want to figure it out. I need you to help me figure it out.”

I sensed God asking me a question. “What are you afraid of? This is about your heart not your schedule. Fear is driving you. What are you afraid of?”

Over the next few days, I discovered four fears that I had allowed to go undetected in my heart. I don’t have them conquered, but I do have them identified. Here are what I believe to be four fears of a workaholic. At least they are four fears of this workaholic.

1. Fear of failing.

After failing my wife and kids in the worst possible way, I didn’t want to fail them again. What if going part time at Cross Point and full time with RefineUs was the wrong decision? What if it doesn’t work? What if I fail? When fear of failure drives us, we begin to think we’re in control. Workaholics always believe they can control everything. When we believe we control everything fear of failure dominates us.

2. Fear of letting others down. 

When the book came out in January, I began to realize all of the people that had helped us get to this point. Our friends, our family, our agent and our publishing team all had a significant role in our book being published. I didn’t want to let any of them down and that fear crept into my heart. When you fear letting others down you say, “Yes” to things you should say, “No” to and in the process let workaholism rule more of your heart.

3. Fear of not being needed.

All of us want to feel important. We want to feel valued. There is nothing wrong with that. But when that feeling becomes a fear we start using our work to give us security that only God can provide. Our job or our ministry actually becomes our god.

4. Fear of not being enough. 

This is a fear I have struggled with since 8th grade. I think most of us struggle with this fear. When this fear is left undetected or unconfessed our job or ministry become the best way to prove we are enough. Living to prove yourself to someone will make you an approval addict to everyone. We are enough because we have a God that knows us intimately and loves us fully. This fear is defeated as we live not through our performance but out of an overflow of that love.

We never arrive. We are always in process. God longs to continually refine us. These fears are defeated as we identify and confess them.

Changing your schedule is good, allowing God to change your heart is the only way to overcome the fears of the workaholic.

Do you struggle at any level with these fears? We could have a support group in the comments today!

In Authenticity, Ministry, Truth
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An Invitation to Dream

April 8, 2013 — Leave a comment

One of my favorite things about growing-up in the Midwest was experiencing all four seasons.There’s beauty to be found in winter, spring, summer and fall along with a sense of disappointment in how fast they seem to come and go. I love how seasons bring rhythm and familiarity in the ordinary daily grind of life but just as you start to settle in and get comfortable with the scenery it changes.

This particular fall day the trees outside my front window were brilliant with color.

Each leaf in its final act of life burst forth with radiant colors before eventually falling to the ground only to fade and grow no more. As I gazed at all the different colors my heart was aching to find familiar. Familiar in a scene I had looked at time and time again yet nothing looked the same, not even the leaves on the trees.

I (Trisha) am guest posting at (in)courage this week. Read the rest of this post and you could win one of five copies of our book, Beyond Ordinary. Read the rest of the post HERE.

incourage

In Beyond Ordinary Book, Faith, Guest Blogging
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