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Self Esteem vs. Self Worth

May 8, 2012 — 13 Comments

I (Justin) grew up with a pretty low self-esteem. Like most kids I wanted to feel valued; to be accepted by others; to feel good about myself. I got made fun of one summer when I was wearing shorts, and called “chicken legs”. I didn’t wear shorts for a few years after that. Self-esteem is a fickle thing. It isn’t something that either you have it or you don’t have…it comes and goes.

Sometimes when you have a high self-esteem it only takes one insult; one harsh word; one failure; one break-up; one tight fit in the dressing room; one lost job; one financial mistake to completely destroy your self-esteem. Self-esteem is easier to lose than it is to gain. People are driven by self esteem. There are books about how to raise your kids’ self-esteem. There are seminars about how to improve your self-esteem.

Lots of people making lots of money on how crappy we feel about ourselves.

Can I share something with you that has set me free and I think can set you free?

There is a huge difference between your self-esteem and your self-worth.

Self-esteem is conditional. Self-esteem factors in your brokenness. Self-esteem is your perception of you. Self-esteem gathers all of your hurt, all of your rejection, all of the lies you believe about yourself and allows you to rehearse those things over and over again in your mind. Self-esteem remembers the one insult you received last week and forgets the ten compliments you got. Self-esteem is an emotional roller coaster that leaves you never looking good enough; never being smart enough; never achieving enough; never accumulating enough.

Your self-worth is God given. Your self-worth is non-negotiable. Your self-worth is based not on who you are, but on who God is. Your self-worth can’t be taken away; it can’t be degraded; it can’t be robbed. Your self-worth was given to you before the creation of the world. Your attractiveness, your beauty, your weight, your complexion, your hair color, your smile, your body shape, your tax bracket, your employment status, your marital status, your past mistakes and failures have nothing to do with your self-worth. You are valuable for the single reason that you were created in the image and majesty of God.

You are valuable because God sees you as valuable.

How much would your life change if you stopped living out of your self-esteem and starting living out of your self-worth?

Christ didn’t die to give you higher self-esteem; He died to demonstrate your self-worth.

Do you struggle in seeing the difference between your self-esteem and your self-worth?

In Authenticity, Faith, Identity, Transformation

What Might Have Been

March 24, 2011 — 20 Comments

We were backing out of the driveway a few days ago and our 8 year-old son Isaiah said, “It makes me really sad that Nana and Grand-dad got divorced.” (Two years ago my parents got divorced after 36 years of marriage.)

Isaiah continued, “Why did they get divorced?” Elijah, our 12 year-old said, “Grand-dad struggled with the same thing daddy used to struggle with: not telling the truth. But now dad refuses to lie and always tells the truth. It’s what saved mom and dad’s marriage.”

That was good enough for Isaiah…conversation over.

Trisha and I tried not to show how much this conversation rocked us.

I started to think about what might have been. What might have been if my dad would have made different choices? What might have been if I would have told the truth sooner? What might have been had I not chosen the affair?

What might have been haunts me sometimes.

When I allow God into my “what might have been” moments and surrender them to Him, He always reminds me of what is.

What is is grace.

What is is redemption.

What is is a fresh start.

What is is new mercies every morning.

What is is so much more desirable that what might have been.

What might have been will try to remind you of your past. What might have been will try to steal what is right now. What might have been will overwhelm you and rob you of all of the “what is” gifts God is giving you in this moment.

Jesus took your “what might have been” and He gave you His “what will be.”

Live in that today.

In Faith, Family, Identity

Never Stop Fighting

March 15, 2011 — 3 Comments

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight, and never stop fighting. E.E. Cummings

More than anything else your wife needs you to be you today.

More than anything else your husband needs you to be you today.

More than anyone else, your friends love you for you.

More than anyone else your kids want you to be you today.

Being you will not come natural. Being you will not come easy. Being you will not feel like the best choice. Being you is vulnerable. Being you is risky. Being you is exactly who you need to be.

There is this fear we all live with that who we are…what we bring to the table won’t be enough. We won’t be enough to bring us the right friends. We won’t be enough to satisfy our husband’s expectations. We won’t be enough to fulfill what we think our wife needs. We aren’t that good of a friend. We don’t have what it takes as a parent.

So rather than fight to be ourselves, we give into the lie that we’d be happier being someone else…because that is what everyone wants.

You are The Beloved.

You are The Redeemed.

You are The Set Apart

You are The Image of God.

Fight today. Fight to be you. Fight to be all that God created you to be. It’s not only what your wife needs…it’s what you need. You being you isn’t just what your husband needs, it’s what you need. Being nobody today but yourself will have to be a choice you make.

Choose it.

Nobody else can be you.

In Authenticity, Identity, Transformation

The Worst Kind of Doubt

January 19, 2011 — 3 Comments

It doesn’t take much to cause me to doubt.

I don’t struggle too much with doubting God, I struggle with the worst kind of doubt: self-doubt.

God is big enough to handle my doubts. No matter how much I doubt God…he doesn’t change. Self-doubt changes me. I’m not big enough to overcome doubt in myself. Self-doubt is defeating. Self-doubt is paralyzing. Self-doubt causes you to question your dreams; withdrawal from your calling; allow failure to define you.

Self-doubt is always saying two things to you: “What if”… and “If only…”

-What if you fail?

-What if you aren’t good enough?

-What if you never change?

-What if she won’t take you back?

-What if he finds out?

-What if you never get married?

-What if he breaks up with you?

-What if you get rejected?

-If only you had your degree.

-If only you made more money.

-If only you had a bigger house.

-If only you could lose weight.

-If only you were more popular.

-If only you were better looking.

-If only you weren’t divorced.

-If only you hadn’t messed up.

Self-doubt sucks life, erodes joy and emotionally drains you. The longer you doubt, the more you doubt. The more you doubt, the less you live the life God created you to live.

Maybe you’re struggling with self-doubt today. You’ve lost your passion. You’ve doubted whether God has really changed you. You’re feeling like a failure as a mom or wife. You doubt your role as a father or husband.

God doesn’t doubt you…He died for you. God placed His Spirit within you and is preparing a place for you! He believes in you…so you can believe in yourself.

Allow your heart to soak in these words from Romans 8:

If God is for us, who can ever be against us? ³² Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? ³³ Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. ³⁴ Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

³⁵ Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?… ³⁷ No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

How do you overcome self-doubt?

In Faith, Identity

What Could Be-Not What Is

December 10, 2010 — 2 Comments

We are knee deep in basketball at our house these days. All 3 of our boys are playing…each on different nights and times. Life is crazy. It got me thinking of my own basketball career.

Coach Williams was my 9th grade basketball coach. He coached me for 1 season…3 months out of my entire life…but those 3 months marked me.

He saw something in me that no one saw before. He saw potential. He saw not just what was, but what could be. He invited me over to his house to watch basketball games, he spoke encouragement into my life at a time that I desperately needed.

He and I studied game film together and he helped me improve in ways that I couldn’t on my own. I wouldn’t be who I am today if Coach Williams had not told me I was good enough. He was the first person who said YOU have what it takes!

Maybe today, you feel like you don’t measure up. Maybe you feel like you are good not enough. Maybe you used to have potential, but now all you see is unfulfilled dreams. The truth about you today, that maybe you need to hear is that your heavenly Father doesn’t just see what used to be, and He doesn’t just see what is…by His grace and His love, he sees what can be.

He sees who you can become not just who you are or who you used to be.

God can use the biggest failure in your life to bring about the best future. I have seen God take my biggest mistakes and largest failures and use those to weave into my life His best and His plan in a way that has totally blown me away.

What if today wasn’t about how bad you’ve messed up…but about the purpose and the plan that God sees for your life? God believes in you. Even when you might have a hard time believing in Him…God believes in you.

Have you had a Coach Williams in your life?

In Character, Faith, Identity

PASTOR…You Are Not

September 23, 2010 — 11 Comments

Yesterday, I wrote a post about Who YOU Are. At the end of the day yesterday, I felt like God laid it on my heart to write a post for pastors who may be struggling with their identity.

As a pastor, I lived for 10 years with an identity crisis that eventually lead to my meltdown and moral failure. I realize this post won’t apply to everyone, but it is vital for someone. If you aren’t a pastor, maybe you should pass it along to yours.

You are not the size of your congregation

You are not as good as your last sermon

You are not as bad as your last critical email

You are not your speaking ability

You are not your insecurity

You are not your fear of failure

You are not your ability to be hip or relevant

You are not your worship style

You are not trying to compete with, out perform or out preach the pastor you work for or work with

You are not your ability to lead or inspire

You are not the value of last week’s offering

You are not as incompetent as you feel

You are not their savior

You are not competing with the church down the street

You are not measured by how many people will come this Sunday

You are not wasting your time even when you feel like you are

Here is who YOU are:

You are a follower of Christ

You are a husband or a wife

You are a dad or a mom

You are a friend

You are called

You are set apart

You are anointed

You are God’s masterpiece

You are more than your role

You are created in the image of God

You are valuable independent of your church, your ministry or your status

You are much more important than the title you hold

You are loved, forgiven and chosen.

That is who you are.

In Church, Identity, Ministry

You Are Not

September 22, 2010 — 42 Comments

You are not your past

You are not your failures

You are not your parents

You are not your sister

You are not your regrets

You are not your sin

You are not your weight

You are not your divorce

You are not your unemployment

You are not the choices someone else made for you

You are not your brokenness

You are not your bitterness

You are not your abuse

You are not your loneliness

You are not your marital status

You are not your tax bracket

You are not your crisis

This is who YOU are:

You are loved

You are forgiven

You are redeemed

You are destined

You are set apart

You are a new creation

You are valued

You are gifted

You are chosen

You are prized

You are reconciled

You are called

You are noticed

You are pursued

You are a child of The King

You are a co-heir with Christ

You are a royal priesthood

You are adored, cherished and treasured by the God of this universe.

When you choose to stop living out who you are not and you start to live in who you are…

It changes everything.

In Identity, Restoration, Transformation, Truth

So Long Public Opinion

August 20, 2010 — 30 Comments

There are few things in this life that are more exhausting than living for the opinion of others.

I lived most of my life for the opinion of others. Trying to impress others. It was pointless in the end. When I had an affair, was separated from my wife, resigned from the church I pastored, waited tables at P.F. Changs, and only saw my kids a few times a week…I realized that living for what other people thought of me was a miserable way to live. It was exhausting.

Maybe you are there…right now. You are worn-out. You are weary. You have forgotten who you are because you have spent so much time trying to be something for someone else.

You are tired:

Tired of performing
Tired of persuading
Tired of impressing
Tired of posing
Tired of faking
Tired from your past
Tired of fighting for approval
Tired of trying to make up for your mistakes
Tired of proving yourself
Tired of not being seen for who you really are

Maybe you’ve lived so much for the opinion of others you’ve lost sight of God’s opinion of you:

Your past is forgiven
Your future is secure
You are loved for who you are
Your true self is all God desires
Your mistakes are wiped clean
Your performance doesn’t earn God’s love
Who you are is impressive enough

My prayer for you today is that you will find life and energy and purpose in pursuing God’s opinion of you.

In what area of your life is it time to say “so long public opinion”?

In Authenticity, Identity

Identity In Crisis

August 4, 2010 — 77 Comments

I (Justin) turn 37 in 10 days. Wow…that is really old. Just typing t-h-i-r-t-y s-e-v-e-n makes me feel ancient. Birthdays have always been something that I have looked forward to; I love the attention and the birthday money.

This birthday isn’t just a reminder that I am one year older and one year closer to 4-0…it’s a painful reminder of a wound in my heart.

Just over a year ago, I found out that my dad…the man that I grew up with; coached my t-ball team; took me fishing; dropped me off at camp; worked overtime so he could buy me a car; had two jobs so I could go to college; was outside the door for my sons’ birth…Dad…wasn’t my dad.

My mom got pregnant with me very young; my biological father didn’t want me; my mom met my dad a few months later; I was born; they got married; I was adopted by my dad a few years later.

When all of this was shared with me last summer, it was like an out of body experience. On one hand, I couldn’t believe it…on the other hand it all made sense. My life, my brokenness, my weaknesses…all made sense.

I have struggled my entire life with identity. I spent most of my childhood hating who I was and wanting to be like someone else. It was one of the biggest issues that we walked through in counseling as we were restoring our marriage. No wonder I had an identity crisis…it all made sense.

Through the affair, our separation and restoration, I realized that I spent most of my life finding my identity in things other than Christ. Knowing who I am in Christ. This one thing sets the foundation for our relationships, our marriage, our temptations and struggles, our choices, how we parent. Every single aspect of our life finds its beginning in identity.

Over the past year, what I have tried to do is to identify how I can tell when I am struggling in this area. What are the signs that my identity is in crisis? Here are just a few that are true for me.

My identity is in crisis:

When my motivation for doing something is to prove something to someone or prove someone wrong
When the words of others mean more to me than the development of my character
When impressing others drives what I say, what I wear or how I act
When criticism from people motivates me more than obedience to God
When my integrity is trumped by the pursuit of my goals
When I stretch the truth to make myself look better or someone else look bad
When I’m insecure or jealous of someone else’s success, recognition or gifts

What about you? Do you struggle with identity? What would you add to the list?

In Character, Identity, Transformation

Protecting Your Rep

June 22, 2010 — 34 Comments

A few months ago, Trisha went to pick up our youngest son from school. He got in the van, and they started to head home. On the way home, she said to Isaiah, “How was your day?” He said, “It was good.” She replied, “What did you do today?” “We played and had gym.” So down the road they went.

A few minutes later, she received a call from the assistant principal at his school. She began to inform Trisha that Isaiah had gotten in trouble. He and another boy had to go to the bathroom, and rather than asking to go inside to use the restroom, they decided to go behind a tree and pee on the tree. They got caught, and it was a major deal. Like go on your permanent record major. Not only that, but come to find out, Isaiah had spent 3 hours…THREE HOURS…in the principal’s office that day. He never said a word. Acted like it was a typical day.

“How was your day?” “Good.” “What did you do today?” “We played and had gym.” As I thought about my son and his response, the truth is that there isn’t a huge difference between him and us. There are major problems. There are major issues. There has been a major mess up…like go on your permanent record mess up…but often we don’t acknowledge it. We pretend like it hasn’t happened. We act like its no big deal.

Trust has been broken; addictions have been revealed; hidden sin is now pushed into the light; but so many of us are more concerned about our reputation than we are our heart. We’re more concerned about what others think about us than who we really are.

When losing your reputation is the driving force of your life…healing is a long way off. When you care about people finding out you are broken more than you care to be whole…your in for a long, painful, repetitive journey.

Pretending it doesn’t exist won’t make your lust issues go away. Acting like you are an honest person won’t help you stop lying. Keeping your marriage problems from your family and friends won’t help you avoid divorce. Being nice when people are around doesn’t make up for the anger issues you have. Playing like you have lots of money when what you really have is lots of debt won’t allow you to live in freedom.

Protecting your rep, isn’t the same as guarding your heart.

Why is it a struggle to allow people to see our brokenness?

In Authenticity, Faith, Identity