Archives For Redemption

The Wounded Healer

April 15, 2013 — 10 Comments

Trish and I spent the weekend in Buda, Texas speaking at The Connection Church. Early Saturday morning, Trish was sitting on the couch and I was standing looking over my notes, when she looked up from her phone with a sad look on her face.

“Justin, I want you to know Brennan Manning passed away.” She was scrolling through Twitter and started seeing numerous Brennan Manning quotes and saw that he’d passed away on Friday.

A few months after the affair, Trisha and I began reading Abba’s Child together. God started pulling back layers of our heart that we’d never seen before. I’m convinced that without Abba’s Child, our marriage wouldn’t have survived, our ministry wouldn’t exist and I would still live with unresolved brokenness and wounds.

God used Abba’s Child in such powerful ways in my life, I had to include Brennan Manning in the acknowledgements in our book:

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In 2009, Trish and I had just shared our story publicly for the first time and had been advised to start a blog. We weren’t sure if we should do it.

There is a lot of risk in sharing the messy and broken parts of your life. It would be easier to not share; easier to move on from our past and not keep talking about it. Around that same time, I came across this quote from Brennan Manning:

Christians who remain in hiding continue to live the lie. We deny the reality of our sin. In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others. We cling to our bad feelings and beat ourselves with the past when what we should do is let it go. As Dietrich Bonhoffer said, “guilt is an idol.” But when we dare to live as forgiven men and women, we join the wounded healers and draw closer to Jesus.

That became the heartbeat of RefineUs. This is a community of wounded healers overcoming fear and shame to bring light into the dark parts of our heart, and hopefully inspiring others to do the same.

For many of us the church hasn’t been the place we have gone for healing, but rather a place to conceal our wounds. We live with guilt as our identity instead of forgiveness. We’ve learned that living the lie is a lot more acceptable than coming out of hiding.

I don’t know where you are in your life today. Maybe you have realized that you can’t erase your past, so maybe you can outrun it…but you are tired and worn out. Maybe your life is filled with fear and shame and you can’t see past your own guilt to even begin to embrace the love of Christ. Maybe you have tried so hard to hide your woundedness that you’ve lost your belief that healing is possible.

This is a community of wounded healers. We are mess-ups and failures. We have lied and cheated and envied and hated.

But guilt is not our idol.

Shame does not define us.

Darkness doesn’t have the last word.

Redemption is our story.

Together, with many thanks to Brennan Manning, we are drawing closer to Jesus.

 

In Books, Faith, Redemption
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Redemption and Restoration

February 27, 2013 — 1 Comment

On Sunday, I had the opportunity to speak at Cross Point and wrap up our Pursued series. The series walked through the book of Hosea and focused on God’s pursuit of us. This Sunday we talked about the process of restoration. I’ve had several people ask when it would be online, so I wanted to share it with you today. I think the message of restoration is central to the heart of RefineUs as well. In case you don’t have 30 minutes to watch the message, I’ve included some summary statements below the video.

Redemption is instant; restoration is a life long process.

Just because a relationship has been saved doesn’t mean it is instantly restored to health. You may have experienced a relationship with a family member or spouse or friend and they hurt you deeply and you chose to stay in the relationship, but it takes time to allow the trust and confidence you once had in that person to return. God’s plan for you isn’t to save you to altar your behavior. His plan for you is to redeem you to restore your heart….to make all things new.

Redemption is God choosing us; restoration is us continually choosing God.

You can’t redeem yourself. You needed a redeemer. Other than receiving the redemption God offered you, you had very little to do with your redemption. He sacrificed. He forgave. He bought you back. Restoration has a lot more to do with you and I reciprocating God choosing us. As you and I choose to follow God, as we choose to forsake all other lovers, more of our heart is restored.

It is a daily journey and a daily decision to not just allow God to be the savior of your soul, but the Lord of your life.

Restoration isn’t something to be earned; its something to which you surrender. 

Here is the tricky part of restoration….you have a role to play in your restoration. But restoration isn’t about working harder it is about giving up more. The temptation is to equate our religious activity with restoration. We assume we are become more like Jesus because we go to church or join a community group or start giving financially. Those things are important, but they don’t equate to restoration.

Restoration is found as we stop trying to do things for God and surrender the parts of our heart we are keeping from God. Just like God won’t force himself into our salvation, he won’t force himself into our restoration. We have to surrender to him. Freedom is found as we surrender…as we give up the parts of our heart we have kept from God.

 

In Faith, Redemption, Restoration
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The Gift of Remembering

December 16, 2012 — 4 Comments

Last night, Trish and I went to P.F. Chang’s for dinner. We eat there every year at this time to celebrate our re-marriage anniversary. We were broken. We were only two months removed from an affair. We had no idea how God was going to show up, but we believed He would.

Seven years ago today, the most beautiful woman in the world said, “YES!” to me again. We chose each other again.

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Over the past few months, we have talked a lot about our future. The future of our ministry; the future of our family; the future of our careers; the future of our book. We spend a lot of time looking forward. But last night was all about looking back.

Our conversation was rich with the word, remember.

Remember…

-we had no idea if my sales job at PrincetonOne would work out

-when we sold the dinning room table and leather couch to pay the mortgage

-remember how scared we were that we wouldn’t make it

-remember how amazing it was when I moved back home

-remember how emotional we were saying our vows to one another

-remember how cold it was when we took that carriage ride around downtown Indianapolis

The lesson learned from remembering: God had us then…He’s got us now.

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Over the years we’ve been accused of living in the past; dwelling too much on the past; not moving past the past. I get it. That criticism may be fair.

But here is what I know. Visiting the past helps me never repeat it. I appreciate the present so much more because I maintain a clear view of where I used to be.

You may not be where you want to be but by God’s grace you aren’t where you used to be and you aren’t where you’re going to be. 

 

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We remember that we are a part of a love story. It is a love story of a God that loves to restore and redeem and two people broken enough to allow Him to do it.

We remember that it’s not a blog. It’s not a marriage ministry. It’s not a book.

Before it was any of that, it was two people choosing God and one another again. 

We cherish the gift of remembering.

Happy re-marriage anniversary to the most amazing woman I know. The best is yet to come. 

In Marriage, Redemption
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When You Can’t Put the Pieces Back Together

September 10, 2012 — 4 Comments

Each week we receive emails from men and women that read our blog faithfully. They too had a vision for their marriage. They dreamed of happily ever after. Some have kids. Some have a house with a white picket fence. All of them had the desire for a life that is drastically different than what they are living. Their questions are similar:

“What do I do when my husband doesn’t come back?”

“How do I move forward when my wife won’t go to counseling?”

“It’s great for you that you were able to put the pieces back together, but that isn’t my story.”

First, we love that this is a community for all people. Single. Married. Unhappily married. Remarried. Single again. This is a community for all of us. Secondly, we know not all stories turn our like our story. Redemption rarely looks the same; but it’s always available.

Here are some suggestions for those that weren’t able to put the pieces back together, and have divorced.

1. Grieve

When your marriage comes to an end, it is very important to grive the loss of that marriage. Often we skip this step in healing because we associate grieving with weakness. But the end of a marriage is the death of a dream. It is okay to grieve it. In fact, in order for you to be healthy in all your relationships moving forward, you have to spend some time grieving the loss of that relationship.

2. Get Counseling

It is really important for you to find a counselor that will help you process your feelings and heal. Without this step, you will take a less than whole version of you into your next relationship/marriage. Unpacking what lead to your divorce helps set you up for the best possible relationship in the future. (Even if you are remarried, embracing these first two suggestions may be the best thing for your current marriage)

3. Live in Truth

A failed marriage doesn’t mean you are a failure. What causes us to be a failure is not learning from our mistakes. This is why grieving and counseling are so important. The truth of who you are and who you can be is not defined by your mistakes but by the God that redeems our mistakes.

4. Your Identity Isn’t Your Marital Status

God loves you single, divorced, remarried, separated. Your identity in Him isn’t dependent on your marital status. It will take a while, but as you begin to find your identity in Him, you will allow Him to use you, your story and your life.

Just because your marriage ended doesn’t mean your story has ended. God is still writing.

It is easy to tie a bow around our story and think the happy ending is only for those who have been restored. Restoration is for you. Redemption has less to do with your marriage as it does your heart.

In Counseling, Divorce, Redemption
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Giving Away 5 Copies of God Loves Ugly

September 6, 2012 — 50 Comments

Today we are honored to introduce you to our new friend, Christa Black. Christa is a talented lady that has been blessed with unbelievable opportunities. She has been on tour with the Jonas Brothers, Michael W. Smith and is a song writer as well. One of her songs, One Thing Remains, is being sung every week in churches all over the world.

Through her own life experience she has written a new book called God Loves Ugly. Trisha had the chance to sit down with Christa and interview her about life, the book and how she hopes God uses the book. Check out the interview below.

We are honored that Christa is providing us with FIVE copies to give away here at RefineUs. Here is how you enter to win:

1. Tweet or Facebook this: Here is your chance to win a FREE copy of God Loves Ugly from @christablack and @refineus. Enter to win here: http://buff.ly/RNKFeq

2. Share with us your favorite Jonas Brothers song…just kidding. :) Just leave your name and your favorite song in the comments.

That’s it. We’ll pick 5 random winners over the weekend and mail you the book next week.

If you don’t win, you can buy the book on Amazon by clicking HERE. book

This book is amazing and you can help us help Christa and win a free book in the process.

In Books, Redemption, Transformation
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God’s Economy

August 13, 2012 — 3 Comments

A little over six years ago, I was struggling to move past my past. I was haunted in my dreams about the mistakes I made. I was reminded of the people I hurt and wounded with my poor choices. I knew God forgave me; I knew my wife forgave me;  but couldn’t find the grace needed to forgive myself. I woke up one morning and Trisha had printed out and framed this quote for me:

Our future-who we are becoming, where we are going-matters more than our past-where we have been. Our future has more power to name us and define us than our past. Consummation swallows origins. Destiny, not history, is the ultimate ground of our identity. How does a prostitute named Rahab, a Moabite outsider named Ruth, an incestuous schemer named Tamar, an adulteress woman named Bathsheba, end up in the birth line of Jesus? Because in God’s economy the person we become, not the person we have been, is the person we truly are.   - Mark Buchanan

Maybe you think your past is more powerful than God’s forgiveness.

Maybe you believe that your mistakes will define your future.

Maybe you are living as though your failure will prevent you from being used by God.

Maybe you have bought the lie that the person you truly are is the person you used to be.

Not in God’s economy. 

God isn’t finished with you.

Shame can’t defeat you unless you allow it.

Guilt can’t come against you unless you invite it.

Your past can’t determine your destiny unless you live in it.

Failure can’t define you unless you permit it.

God sees you right now not for who you used to be; but for who He is creating you to be.

Live in His economy today.

In Faith, Hope, Redemption
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God Redeems Damaged Goods

July 9, 2012 — 3 Comments

Tomorrow night is the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. I have to be honest with you and tell you that I’m not much into baseball. Our family will watch portions of World Series games in October, but we’ve never really been captivated by the sport.

On, Tuesday May 1, 2012 we finished watching SportsCenter and were making our way to the dinner table when a story came on that transcends baseball and captured our entire family.

It was the story of a well traveled major league pitcher that has experienced years of disappointment, pain and abuse. At 37 years old, R.A. Dickey has finally been able to overcome the darkness of his past and has started to live his life in true freedom.

R.A. Dickey shares his story of sexual abuse he began experiencing when he was just 8 years old. He would be abused sexually on multiple occasions. Because of the shame and guilt he felt from the abuse, he chose to not tell anyone and began to block out the pain by excelling in sports. He felt like he was damaged goods in every area of his life, but baseball.

Continue Reading…

In Abuse, Brokenness, Redemption
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The Good, Bad and Ugly

June 21, 2012 — 18 Comments

Yesterday, we did a giveaway of Bob Goff’s new book, Love Does. I love giving stuff away, and you can enter to win through tomorrow. Unexpectedly, God really spoke to my heart through one of the comments on the post. Here is part of the comment:

Thanks for your blog. Your story and being willing to share it, the good, the bad and the ugly, has been most helpful in our journey. Some day God will allow us to share ours as well and hopefully all the mess will bring some good. Blessings to your family from the other side of the world.

I spent so many years of my life convinced that the “Christian” story was all good. If you were a true follower of Jesus, there was no “bad” and there was no “ugly”. I worked so hard to hide the bad. I spent so much energy pretending there was no ugly. Lots of fake conversations. Lots of lying to myself and others. Lots of saying one thing while really feeling or experiencing something else.

It wasn’t malicious or intentionally sinful…it is what I thought the Christian life was. Show everyone how spiritual you are and hide everything bad and ugly. There were safe sins to share; safe struggles to admit to, but it was a false authenticity. It was exhausting.

When did we as Christians convince ourselves that we had to hide the bad and ugly? As I look through Scripture there is more bad and ugly at times than there is good.

Murder, adultery, lying, incest, family dysfunction, pride, envy, lust…the list goes on and on in the Bible and these were the sins of people God used in the most powerful ways. Jacob. Moses. David. Samson. Peter. Paul. Lots of bad and lots of ugly. But lots of redemption. Lots of grace. Lots of God.

I’m not saying we should share our sin and in an effort to disregard it. I’m not saying we should share our sin to glorify it.

I’m saying that God can’t redeem what we pretend isn’t broken.

When we share the bad and the ugly, we allow God to do what only He can do in our heart and life: heal and make us whole.

You can’t redeem yourself. No matter how much you hide. No matter how much you pretend. The life you’re looking for is the life God offers as we become broken, honest and transparent. It is as we share the good the bad and the ugly that we experience God’s amazing grace and allow our lives to be used as a trophy of redemption.

It then becomes all about how great God is in us, and less about how great we look to God.

Do you struggle with sharing the bad and ugly in your life?

In Authenticity, Faith, Life, Redemption
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God’s Not Done With You

June 12, 2012 — 14 Comments

When you grow up in church, there is really only one unpardonable sin. The Bible says that it is blasphemy, but in the church world I grew up in, it was adultery. When Trisha and I left ministry in 2005 due to my affair, I had no idea what the future held, but I was sure of one thing:

God was done with me. 

Over the next three years, God began to do a work in Trisha and I and lay a burden on our heart for ministry. We began sharing our story, helping couples restore hope in their marriage. That is how RefineUs was started. Our passion for the local church began to burn white-hot again, and by his grace we were given an opportunity to return to ministry at Cross Point.

There are still days that I hear the lie that God is done with me.

There are still times that I wonder if God can use the mistakes and poor choices in my life for His good.

Maybe you are there today.

The mistakes you’ve made seem greater than God’s ability to use you. The plans you once had are buried under a pile of regret or missed opportunity.

If you feel or have felt like God is done with you…here are three things I want to share with you today:

1. It isn’t your past sins that disqualify you for ministry, it is the condition of your heart.

I was disqualified for ministry years before the affair started. The pattern of hiding and running and pretending and posturing existed in my life long before the affair manifested itself. Because things were going so well with my ministry, it was easier to hide my struggles.

Maybe some of you have given up on yourself because of mistakes you’ve made years ago. God isn’t finished with you yet. God cares so much more about the condition of your heart than he does the mistakes of your past.

2. The gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. (Romans 11:29)

This verse doesn’t mean that the gifts and calling of God are beyond accountability or purity. But it does mean that just because you’ve made mistakes God doesn’t just rip away your giftedness and your calling. If He called you, and He gifted you, then He has plans for you. It took me a few years to believe this. But what I have seen is that the more I have sought brokenness the more opportunity He has given me to live out my calling. I get cautious when people desire the gifts of God more than they desire brokenness.

3. When giftedness outweighs character, implosion is on the horizon.

If you are a gifted person you will be given responsibility. If you are a gifted person, people will be drawn to you. If you spend more time developing your gifts than you do deepening your character, implosion isn’t a matter of IF, it is a matter of WHEN.

Giftedness is sexy. Giftedness is visible. Giftedness gets noticed; gains opportunity; gives you reputation. Character is often compromised so that giftedness can take center stage. Giftedness can be replaced…but character allows you to sustain the work of God in your life.

Maybe today, you feel like God is done with you. You’ve sinned beyond God’s ability to use you. You’ve messed up more than can ever be redeemed.

God is not done with you. Live in that today.

 

In Faith, Ministry, Redemption, Restoration
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Regret and Remorse

March 1, 2012 — 21 Comments

On Tuesday, Trisha and I had the opportunity to speak at the Velocity Conference in Atlanta. (Thank you guys so much for your prayers and your words of encouragement.) We spoke to about 800 church leaders. It was an out of body experience. Three years ago, we lived in Indianapolis, not sure if God would open a door to return to ministry, and on Tuesday, spoke to ministry leaders. Only God.

In the introduction of our message, I shared that this June marks the 10 year anniversary of Trisha and I starting Genesis Church. Ten years ago we sold everything we owned. Ten years ago we moved to a community where we knew four people. Ten years ago we leveraged everything for a vision that God had laid on our heart. God started to bless our young church…in some incredible ways.

Then, three years into our dream, I chose to have an affair, and not only gave up my part of that vision, but cost my wife and so many dear friends their part of that vision too.

After we spoke, I was surprised at the most common question I was asked. “Do you regret your decision? If you could go back and undo your choice, would you?”

Unexpectedly, a flood of emotions ran through my heart and mind. Of course I regret my choices! Of course I wish I could take it back! Of course I wish things would have turned out differently! Of course I want to take back all the pain and hurt I caused so many! Regret overwhelmed me.

Then God spoke to my heart about the truth of regret: Living in regret is fools gold.

-Regret convinces you that you have the power to change the past if you feel bad enough, long enough.
-Regret robs you of the gift of grace by trying to get you to make up for your mistakes.
-Regret leads you into a place of shame and guilt and leaves you there wishing things could be different. 
-Regret defeats the spirit of forgiveness and freedom that Jesus died to give you.

Regret isn’t the same as remorse.

Remorse is defined as “deep and painful contrition.” Remorse is being sorry, not for the consequences of sin, but for the act of sinning. Remorse ushers in grace; makes way for redemption; prepares us for healing.

Regret and remorse are totally different.

Maybe you’ve not been authentically remorseful for a choice you made or a sin you committed. What you need is remorse but what you’ve settled for  is regret.

Regret haunts you. Regret robs you of love and joy and peace and you are exhausted. You have convinced yourself if you feel bad enough, long enough, you can make up for it.

You can’t make up for it. No matter how hard you try.

But Jesus can.

You can’t change the past, but you can stop allowing your past regrets rob you of the future God has for you.

 

 

 

In Affair, Brokenness, Faith, Forgiveness, Guilt, Life, Redemption
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