Restoration | Refine Us

Archives For Restoration

Never an Excuse, But Always A Reason

March 21, 2013 — 10 Comments

Our vision for RefineUs is to be a place that focuses on our hearts and not our relationship status.

Married, single, dating, single again, remarried, or anywhere in between, this is a place for you. There are times we paint in broad strokes to speak to as many people as possible.

Then there are times God lays something specifically on our heart that we want to share with a specific group of people.

The number one blog post of 2011, 2012 and the most viewed blog post of 2013 so far is, 5 Things You Must Do to Restore Your Marriage After An Affair.

While not everyone that is a part of RefineUs has experienced infidelity, many, many people come here looking for hope and direction in the midst very intense pain.

Today, I (Justin) want to share with you what I believe to be the biggest mistake couples make as they recover from an affair. This mistake usually isn’t made intentionally, but it is made often.

The biggest mistake you can make restoring your marriage after an affair is to focus on what and not why.

Short of losing a spouse or child, there is no greater pain that is experienced in a marriage than infidelity. It is heart-breaking, destructive, dark and sinful.

There is never an excuse for an affair, but there is always a reason.

But unless we are willing to go beyond the what of the situation to determine why this is a part of our story, we limit the parts of our heart God can redeem and restore.

Many couples get stuck in two very broken places: anger/resentment (for the one who’s been betrayed) and shame/guilt (for the one who’s cheated). When you’re stuck in either of these places the path of least resistance is to focus on what happened and stop short of digging into why it happened.

Here are some differences between a marriage that focuses on what and a marriage that is willing to focus on why:

What focuses on what they did; Why invites God to change me.
What desires payment and retribution; Why is willing to forgive.
What wants all the pain to go away as quickly as possible; Why wants all the pain to have purpose and is willing to endure it.
What drifts toward that which is safe and guarded; Why shares all of the truth and risks being vulnerable.
What wants everything fixed; Why allows God to make all things new.
What focuses on all we have to do to heal our marriage; Why gives God free reign into all parts of our heart and marriage.

Choosing to focus on what and not why will alleviate the pain temporarily but leaves the sickness in the relationship. What allows many couples to experience the same mistake again in a few months or a few years. But there is another way.

When you choose why over what, the cost is greater upfront. Conversations are more difficult and honest. Mistakes by both spouses are admitted and owned. Making them pay gives way to forgiveness. Shame and guilt are overcome by grace and mercy. The focus moves from what he/she did to “How did we get here?”

Brokenness and repentance become the cry of both person’s heart…and God shows up in powerful ways.

The greatest gift I’ve received is a wife that wanted to know why. It changed everything about our recovery and provided the path to restoration.

The most important thing you can do in the restoration process is to not focus on what happened, but allow God to teach you why it happened.

That is the place of true life change.

In Adultry, Affair, Marriage, Restoration

Redemption and Restoration

February 27, 2013 — 1 Comment

On Sunday, I had the opportunity to speak at Cross Point and wrap up our Pursued series. The series walked through the book of Hosea and focused on God’s pursuit of us. This Sunday we talked about the process of restoration. I’ve had several people ask when it would be online, so I wanted to share it with you today. I think the message of restoration is central to the heart of RefineUs as well. In case you don’t have 30 minutes to watch the message, I’ve included some summary statements below the video.

Redemption is instant; restoration is a life long process.

Just because a relationship has been saved doesn’t mean it is instantly restored to health. You may have experienced a relationship with a family member or spouse or friend and they hurt you deeply and you chose to stay in the relationship, but it takes time to allow the trust and confidence you once had in that person to return. God’s plan for you isn’t to save you to altar your behavior. His plan for you is to redeem you to restore your heart….to make all things new.

Redemption is God choosing us; restoration is us continually choosing God.

You can’t redeem yourself. You needed a redeemer. Other than receiving the redemption God offered you, you had very little to do with your redemption. He sacrificed. He forgave. He bought you back. Restoration has a lot more to do with you and I reciprocating God choosing us. As you and I choose to follow God, as we choose to forsake all other lovers, more of our heart is restored.

It is a daily journey and a daily decision to not just allow God to be the savior of your soul, but the Lord of your life.

Restoration isn’t something to be earned; its something to which you surrender.

Here is the tricky part of restoration….you have a role to play in your restoration. But restoration isn’t about working harder it is about giving up more. The temptation is to equate our religious activity with restoration. We assume we are become more like Jesus because we go to church or join a community group or start giving financially. Those things are important, but they don’t equate to restoration.

Restoration is found as we stop trying to do things for God and surrender the parts of our heart we are keeping from God. Just like God won’t force himself into our salvation, he won’t force himself into our restoration. We have to surrender to him. Freedom is found as we surrender…as we give up the parts of our heart we have kept from God.

In Faith, Redemption, Restoration

Seven Years Without Normal

October 10, 2012 — 7 Comments

Although we share our story often, I (Trish) don’t think about the details that took place seven years ago because I live in who we are now and not who we were then. But every year I see October 9^th on the calendar, it brings it all back a fresh my desperate desire to go back to “normal” the way life was before that day.

To wake up without feeling like I was going to throw-up.

To be able to drive to the store without searing panic coming over me that I might run into someone from our church.

To pick-up my cell phone without dreading all the numbers I needed to delete.

To not have to look into the eyes of my boys and see that they too are hurting, longing and wishing for “normal” to return too.

But normal would never return, because God’s desire for my life and your life isn’t to live in the normal but rather in the extraordinary.

But be warned…extraordinary will cost you.

As our ministry, blog and book gain more influence it has come with a cost. Those close and not so close to us caution us to make sure as our “platform” grows pride doesn’t grow along with it. I totally get it and appreciate their willingness to be honest with us because this is usually the normal progression.

Success + Pride = Fall

In 2 Corinthians 12:6-10 Paul writes: ⁶If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth. But I won’t do it, because I don’t want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message, ⁷even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

⁸Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. ⁹Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. ¹⁰That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

October 9^th is our thorn. It’s a painful reminder of what was lost. We are reminded of weeks gone by where we didn’t know if our marriage would make it. It’s a reminder that we lost everything but our marriage. A reminder of how pride kept us bound for years in a good marriage…turned normal…turned tragic.

I get how people would assume pride would be a struggle I really do. But if I’m honest, a part of me wants to be defensive. I want to shout back, “Do you not remember Justin coming home to tell me he didn’t love me anymore and wanted out?” “Do you not remember the pain in my children’s eyes as I told them daddy wasn’t coming home?” “Do you realize that no matter how many people listen to my story or read our book it could never replace the pain and loss my family endured?” But at the heart of my defensiveness is, well…Pride.

This is life in the extraordinary. It’s not arriving to a place of perfection but rather exposing your imperfections. Living in the extraordinary is daily asking God to lead us out of the ordinary we are tempted to settle for. An extraordinary life chooses to recognize that Jesus’ grace is all you need and in your weakness He is made strong. When you strive to live for Him and not for anyone or anything else you are free to live life in the extraordinary.

I am eternally grateful to our Heavenly Father, who loves us so much that he gave us the extraordinary gift of Son so that we could have an extraordinary life through him.

In Beyond Ordinary Book, Life, Marriage, Restoration

One Year After The Affair

October 9, 2012 — 16 Comments

Seven years ago today, everything changed. With four words, I cost my wife, family and so many around me what seemed like everything.

“I’m having an affair.”

With those words, my sin was exposed and life as we knew it came to an end. Over the next two days, God would crush my pride, give me a heart of repentance and lead me to an amazing Christian counselor.

It would be another two weeks before Trish and I would speak.

Two weeks after the affair came out, she called me on the phone. I don’t remember all that was said during that phone call, but I do remember how it ended.

“I hear you have been going to counseling,” Trisha said.

“I go every day but Friday.” I responded.

“I’m willing to go with you,” she offered.

For the next two and a half months we went to counseling every day but Friday. As we approached Christmas, we were confident we were in a place for me to move back home. We made a decision to renew our vows. We continued to go to counseling consistently over the next several months.

We moved to a new city, started a new life, and begged God to give us the grace needed to survive the damage of my choices. As we started over, our counselor gave us a statistic and a goal. He said, “80% of the couples that go through infidelity don’t make it through their first year. Work as hard as you can to get through year one. If you can make it through the first year, you will arrive at the starting line.”

Getting to October 9, 2006 became a huge goal. One year after the affair was a milestone we had in our minds. We wanted to do as much work as possible in that first year because we knew the decisions we made in year one of recovery would set the tone and depth of our ultimate healing.

Over the past few months, we have had several people find RefineUs by Googling “One year after the affair”.

We know that this blog post won’t apply to everyone, but we are praying it helps someone. Here are a few things that helped us get to “one year after the affair.”

1. Do the work.

The choices you make in the first year after the affair will determine the amount of healing you both experience. Tell the truth. Have tough conversations. Lead with grace. Begin to build trust. Don’t equate the absence of conflict with the presence of intimacy. Go to counseling consistently for the first year. Fight for your spouse. Pursue Christ more than anything. Trust God to heal your heart.

2. Be Patient

Healing is a process not an event. You will have great days and horrible days. You will be okay one day and take three steps back the next. Give yourself permission to not be okay; but be determined to not stay where you are. You don’t have to take huge strides everyday, but commit to take one step.

3. Celebrate Big

On the one-year anniversary of the affair, Trish and I skipped church, we went downtown Indianapolis and scalped Colts tickets. We went out to dinner. We went shopping. We stayed in a hotel. We celebrated not arriving at the finish line…we celebrated making it to the starting line.

If you or someone you know has experienced infidelity, there is no doubt it is devastating. But there is also hope. Our prayer is that as we celebrate 7 years of God’s grace, love and healing our journey is an encouragement to you.

In Adultry, Affair, Marriage, Restoration

God’s Not Done With You

June 12, 2012 — 14 Comments

When you grow up in church, there is really only one unpardonable sin. The Bible says that it is blasphemy, but in the church world I grew up in, it was adultery. When Trisha and I left ministry in 2005 due to my affair, I had no idea what the future held, but I was sure of one thing:

God was done with me.

Over the next three years, God began to do a work in Trisha and I and lay a burden on our heart for ministry. We began sharing our story, helping couples restore hope in their marriage. That is how RefineUs was started. Our passion for the local church began to burn white-hot again, and by his grace we were given an opportunity to return to ministry at Cross Point.

There are still days that I hear the lie that God is done with me.

There are still times that I wonder if God can use the mistakes and poor choices in my life for His good.

Maybe you are there today.

The mistakes you’ve made seem greater than God’s ability to use you. The plans you once had are buried under a pile of regret or missed opportunity.

If you feel or have felt like God is done with you…here are three things I want to share with you today:

1. It isn’t your past sins that disqualify you for ministry, it is the condition of your heart.

I was disqualified for ministry years before the affair started. The pattern of hiding and running and pretending and posturing existed in my life long before the affair manifested itself. Because things were going so well with my ministry, it was easier to hide my struggles.

Maybe some of you have given up on yourself because of mistakes you’ve made years ago. God isn’t finished with you yet. God cares so much more about the condition of your heart than he does the mistakes of your past.

2. The gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. (Romans 11:29)

This verse doesn’t mean that the gifts and calling of God are beyond accountability or purity. But it does mean that just because you’ve made mistakes God doesn’t just rip away your giftedness and your calling. If He called you, and He gifted you, then He has plans for you. It took me a few years to believe this. But what I have seen is that the more I have sought brokenness the more opportunity He has given me to live out my calling. I get cautious when people desire the gifts of God more than they desire brokenness.

3. When giftedness outweighs character, implosion is on the horizon.

If you are a gifted person you will be given responsibility. If you are a gifted person, people will be drawn to you. If you spend more time developing your gifts than you do deepening your character, implosion isn’t a matter of IF, it is a matter of WHEN.

Giftedness is sexy. Giftedness is visible. Giftedness gets noticed; gains opportunity; gives you reputation. Character is often compromised so that giftedness can take center stage. Giftedness can be replaced…but character allows you to sustain the work of God in your life.

Maybe today, you feel like God is done with you. You’ve sinned beyond God’s ability to use you. You’ve messed up more than can ever be redeemed.

God is not done with you. Live in that today.

In Faith, Ministry, Redemption, Restoration

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

May 22, 2012 — 1 Comment

Over the past couple of years, Starbucks has become a place where I often meet with women to talk about the hard things in life. I remember one morning sitting with a friend, both of us cupping our coffee as if it was a microphone and she began to share her story with me. Her tears fell fast and her emotions poured out through her words even faster. She went on to explain that she had read all the marriage books and blogs she could find. She was attending church more than ever. But even after doing everything she knew to do she still felt far from God and even further in her relationship with her husband.

I remember her asking me, “What’s next? What am I missing? How were you and Justin able to make your relationship work after years of living in a dysfunctional marriage?”

I knew my response was going to sound “churchy” but in my heart and mind I knew there was nothing churchy about what I wanted to say. I was eager to tell her the lifesaving wisdom someone shared with me when I was drowning in hopelessness, exhaustion and despair.

I replied, “I would not be married today if I hadn’t sought wise counsel.” I could tell by the look on her face that she was a bit disappointed at such a vague response. But I went on to explain the power that very sentence had in not only restoring my marriage but also continues to shape me into the person I am today.

Seeking wise counsel played out in three distinct ways for me.

1. I was seeking wise counsel by reading the bible in a translation I could understand.

2. I was seeking wise counsel from other women and couples that had gone through similar situations and found hope and restoration.

3. I was seeking wise counsel from a professional counselor.

I know your thinking that IS a “churchy” response and I couldn’t agree more. What may sound like the typical response to the average person becomes healing balm to a desperate and wounded soul. There are times in life where you will choose all the right things you know to do and when that list comes up short you will be tempted to quit.

When I begged Justin to go to counseling early on in our marriage and he refused I just gave up. I leaned on my own understanding and not the wise counsel of others. I choose to stay hidden along with Justin and as he buried his sin I started to create sin of my own. I convinced myself that counseling would only be affective if Justin and I BOTH went to together so when he refused to go so did I.

Proverbs 19:20-21 (NLT)

²⁰Get all the advice and instruction you can,
so you will be wise the rest of your life.

²¹You can make many plans,
but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.

I am often asked what should you do if your spouse refuses to go to counseling. My response to them and to you today is GO ANYWAY! All throughout scripture God leads His people to seek wise counsel. Even Jesus being fully God and fully man sought wise counsel from his heavenly Father in his time of desperation and heartache. Counseling wasn’t invented by Western culture nor is it set aside for only certain people to receive it. God calls us all to “Get all the advice and instruction you can” because he knew we would need it. We weren’t meant to figure out life on our own.

I do have a word of caution… Just because someone is a counselor it doesn’t mean they’re a good one. But please don’t let that be an excuse. If it takes you five tries, keep trying. I’m not saying you should find a counselor that will tell you what you want to hear but rather someone who understands and is able to lead you to a place of health. I know there ARE some amazing counselors out there because we had one! The bible doesn’t say seeking wise counsel would be easy or fun. In fact it will most-likely cause you pain. But it will be a redemptive pain rather than destructive pain.

Seeking wise counsel helps guide our pain into redemptive pain where God makes beauty from ashes.

In Authenticity, Counseling, Marriage, Restoration

The Gift of a Second Chance

December 16, 2011 — 18 Comments

Six years ago today, my amazing wife Trisha and I renewed our vows. I have never shared this publicly, but a week after the affair was confessed I received an envelope from a lady in our church. Inside the envelope was a note from Trisha and her wedding ring. I don’t remember the letter word for word, but I remember her overall message: Our first marriage has died. I need God to give me a vision of a new life with you.

Six years ago today, she chose me again. She gave me a second chance. Two months after I crushed her heart, she said “I Do” again. New vows. New rings. New beginnings.

I didn’t deserve a second chance. I didn’t deserve to stay married. As I sit here and think about it, I still don’t deserve a second chance. I still don’t deserve to be married. That is amazing thing about grace…it offers what we don’t deserve and can’t earn.

When I look at the pictures below, they aren’t about a blog or a book or a marriage ministry.

They are simply about a family that is so grateful to God for grace and second chances. That is what we are celebrating today. The incredible gift of a second chance.

Thank you for being a part of this community. We believe with all of our heart that no one and no marriage is beyond the gift of a second chance.

In Events, Grace, Redemption, Restoration

When I Do Starts to Feel Like I’m Done

September 12, 2011 — 3 Comments

No one gets married expecting failure. No bride stands in a chapel full of family and friends, imagining how much she will despise her spouse in ten years. No groom gazes into the eyes of his bride, daydreaming of one day glaring at her across the courtroom as they divide their assets. We don’t aim for failed marriages, but the reality is that more than half of marriages in the United States end in divorce. Despite our dreams, despite our expectations, despite our intentions, one out of two marriages goes from “I Do” to “I’m Done.”

Maybe you are there right now. You may not be ready to hire an attorney, but you’ve resigned in your heart that this is as good as your marriage will ever be. It is easier to settle for what you have than to dream about what you wish you had. It’s less painful that way. So many couples experience a loss of hope and a longing for something to change, but convinced that change will not come. Your “I Do” is starting to feel more like “I’m done.”

What can you do when those feelings come? How can you change a marriage that seems unchangeable? Here are some things that have been lifelines for our marriage:

-Pray this Prayer: “God, change my heart to be the husband/wife you desire me to be.” This prayer is a game changer. This prayer will not be one you will want to pray. But it is the only prayer that you have a part in seeing answered. You can pray for God to change your spouse. But you don’t have the capacity to change them. You have the capacity to allow God to change you. As God changes you, by default your marriage will change. This prayer is the first step into hope for any marriage.

-Tell Your Spouse: I can’t tell you how many couples we’ve met with and they have been feeling like their marriage was hurting; their love was wavering; they were questioning their desire to be married for weeks, months sometimes years. Nothing good grows in darkness. You aren’t going to recapture your love for your spouse by keeping your feelings from them. Honesty is the only path to restored intimacy. You will not see anything changed in your marriage by not talking to your spouse.

-Ask this Question: “Am I willing to do the things that caused us to fall in love in the first place?” Remember when you started dating? Remember staying up late at night talking? Remember arguing over who was going to hang up first? Remember looking for a dark street to pull the car over and make out? Remember the cheesy poem you wrote him? Remember when all of that stopped? Maybe you need to start dating again. Maybe you need to write her a love note. Maybe you need to put the kids to bed early, light some candles and fire up some Boyz II Men. Doing what caused you to fall in love will help keep you in love.

Marriage is hard. But it is possible to move from “I’m Done” back to “I Do”. These are three of your first steps in that direction.

In Faith, Marriage, Restoration

When The Ending Isn’t Happy

August 23, 2011 — 12 Comments

On Friday, we received an email that brought tears to my eyes. Here is an excerpt of that email:

I love all the encouraging stories of marriage being restored. I’m just wondering what about the ones that don’t. My husband has choose to file divorce and not have anything to do with forgiveness. I just feel like everyone has the great stories about the ones that get restored and God uses. But what about the ones who don’t, will God still use me? Is his Grace still for me? Does he even see me?

What do you do when the ending isn’t happy? For some of you there is no restored marriage. For some of you, your spouse did choose the other person. For some of you our blog is often a reminder of what could have been, and you wonder, “Why them, and not me?” For some of you, God left your life when your marriage ended; or at least it has felt like it.

Can I offer these words of truth to you today?

-Just because your marriage has ended, doesn’t mean your story has ended
Your story is still being written. God is still working. He is still moving. He is still planning. He can and will use, even the most difficult and hurtful times of your life to write His story in you. His plan for you isn’t dependent on your marital status. His grace is for YOU.

-The best thing you can do is pursue healing
This is hard, but so important. So many people want to pursue being used by God before they pursue being healed by God. I get it…I really do. The guilt of my choices and the destruction of my choices weighed on me so much that I wanted to make up for it. I wanted God to use me. But when we pursue God using us before we pursue His healing, we forfeit the heart wholeness He longs to bring. In the long run, we shortcut our own healing process and set ourselves up to repeat history rather than rewrite history. Pursue healing above all else.

-The hardest person to forgive is yourself
It will be the most difficult to forgive yourself. Can I encourage you today to recognize this and begin the forgiving process with yourself. God’s plan for you isn’t to live in shame and guilt. In fact, His word says that there is “no condemnation for those that are in Christ.” He forgives you. Forgive yourself.

-Your identity isn’t dependent on your marital status
God loves you single, divorced, remarried, separated. Your identity in Him isn’t dependent on your marital status. It will take a while, but as you begin to find your identity in Him, you will allow Him to use you, your story and your life.

It is easy to tie a bow around our story and think the happy ending is only for those who have been restored. Restoration is for you. Redemption has less to do with your marriage as it does your heart.

Even when it seems like your ending isn’t happy…remember it isn’t the end. He is still writing your story.

In Divorce, Life, Marriage, Restoration

Stop Walking On Egg-Shells

July 12, 2011 — 3 Comments

I met with a couple the other day that had lost almost all hope for their marriage. They love each other. They just don’t like each other. They don’t like being around one another. Why? Because all they do is fight.

Been.

There.

There isn’t a more miserable way to live than on egg-shells trying to avoid an argument. Trisha and I still have arguments. We still have conflict. One of the things we’ve learned to do is leverage conflict to draw us closer to one another rather than allowing conflict to put distance between us. Here are 4 questions I ask myself when we are in pretty big argument:

1. Do I want intimacy or do I want to be right?
Motives are everything. Have you ever been in an argument and you know you are wrong, but you have already argued your point so much, that there is no going back? Pride is the biggest obstacle to intimacy in our marriage. We need to ask this question honestly when we engage in conflict…Am I trying to grow closer to my spouse or am I trying to prove how right I am? That question will bring your motives to light.

2. Am I withholding truth about anything?
Have your feelings been hurt and you haven’t said anything? Did you have expectations that you never communicated, so they went unmet? Do you have a sin or a mistake that you are hiding behind your defensive attitude? You will never fully resolve conflict if there is withheld truth in your marriage.

3. Does my spouse just need some space?
Trisha and I react in opposite ways when we fight. I like to be all cuddly and affectionate and love it out. She doesn’t want to be hugged, touched or breathed on. If we try to make our spouse react or respond to conflict like we do, we will constantly be frustrated, and create more conflict. Sometimes, some space in conflict helps everyone see things more clearly.

4. Have I prayed about this?
This question should be the first question that I ask, but honestly, sometimes it doesn’t even make it on the list. I can’t imagine how many fights and arguments and harsh words I could have saved if I would have just prayed about what I was upset about or what we were not on the same page about. God’s desire for our marriage is oneness. When we seek Him, He has a way of restoring that oneness, even through conflict. Are you willing to pray about what you are so upset about? God has the power to change your spouse, you don’t.

What would you add or take away from this list?

In Conflict, Marriage, Restoration