Archives For Transformation

What It’s Not About

May 6, 2013 — 4 Comments

What if I told you that your greatest struggle, your most repeated sin (the one you have promised yourself and God you’ll never do again, but you keep on doing it) is probably only a symptom of a much bigger deal in your life?

In our story, the affair gets all the attention; has all the shock value and raises all the questions. But the truth is it was only a symptom. There was something much deeper. I think the same is true for you.

  • Your impulsive shopping and overspending isn’t about your need for more clothes or more stuff
  • Your affair or your spouse’s affair isn’t about that other specific person
  • Your craving to overeat isn’t about the food
  • Your addiction to pornography isn’t about you not finding your wife or your husband attractive
  • Your willingness to give too much of yourself away sexually early in a dating relationship isn’t about willpower or not being strong enough to resist temptation

Our Christian thought process is pretty simple: If we would try harder or be more accountable, then we could stop whatever it is we know we need to stop. We’re just not a good enough Christian.

But what if your sin or habit wasn’t even about that sin our habit?

Each of these situations, though they look different on the surface originate with one desire and one need: Intimacy

It’s not a very manly word, but it is a Godly word. You and I were created to have intimacy with God, and intimacy with one another. Somewhere in our life that desire got distorted. We became more prone to hide than to be known; more prone to pretend than be authentic; more prone to try to earn love than to receive love without conditions.

Have you ever felt like there are parts of your heart that no one can know about? I have for sure. So we hide or indulge or overeat or impulse shop, or pursue someone other than our spouse, or chat online or download porn or sleep around.

We desire to be known and to be loved, but intimacy is distorted and so we try to find it in a way that leave us…….regretful and ashamed.

We convince ourself that no one, including God, can really know us, because if they did, they wouldn’t love us. Rejection is our greatest fear.

Intimacy isn’t something you can stop needing. You need it. But if your need for it and your desire of it is broken, then you start trying to find it and fulfill it in messed up ways. So we cheat and we lie and we pretend and we compromise. And the cycle begins to repeat itself and build on itself until one day you wake up and have no idea how you got to the place you are at.

Here is the truth today: Your Heavenly Father longs for you to experience intimacy with Him. To know Him and be known by Him; to love Him and be unconditionally loved by Him in return.

You can go through your life like I did trying to be good enough and strong enough and perfect enough and you can focus on all the symptoms of your problem. Or you can pursue intimacy with a God who loves you and a Savior who longs to redeem you.

Intimacy starts with allowing a part of your heart that isn’t known to be known by God and by someone else. Everyone can choose to take that step today.

That’s what it’s really about.

In Faith, Intimacy, Transformation
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Wanting More

April 17, 2013 — 3 Comments

I want to be desperate for God. I want to desire an intimate relationship with God more than I desire anything else. What is true about me, and maybe true about you is that I tend to pursue and am desperate for what God can do for me, more than I am desperate for God, Himself. I am desperate for the benefits of having a relationship with God, more than I am desperate for the relationship itself. So I find myself pursuing things that I think will satisfy, but always leave me wanting more. I’m…

  • Desperate for acceptance
  • Desperate for approval
  • Desperate for intimacy
  • Desperate for relationships
  • Desperate for happiness

If we are honest, many of us are more desperate to improve our lives than we are to know more deeply the One who is life. We have this equation in our mind that we calculate often:

My life + Jesus = Nice Christian Life

If we are a Christian, God will give us a good marriage. If we are a Christian, God will give us a good relationship with our kids. If we are a Christian, God will give us deep and meaningful friendships. If we are a Christian, God will give us a faithful spouse. If we are a Christian, God will give us a level of happiness that will surpass all of the troubles of life. If we are a Christian, God will give us a fulfilling career. If we are a Christian, God will give us…….

So many of us sit in brokenness because we are Christians, and yet, God hasn’t “given” us what we thought He would (should).

I know this way of living, because I have lived it. I’m tempted everyday to live it again.

Maybe you are living it right now. You can’t put your finger on what is wrong, but you know deep down in your heart, something isn’t right. There is a sense of restlessness, a sense of disappointment, a sense of loss that you feel, but don’t know why. You are unsatisfied…

  • Unsatisfied with your job
  • Unsatisfied with your marriage
  • Unsatisfied with your kids
  • Unsatisfied with your church
  • Unsatisfied with your life

Maybe we are desperate for the wrong things…not bad things, just the wrong things. Maybe we are seeking what God can offer us more than we are seeking God.

Maybe what your marriage needs most is for you to stop seeking to be right, and just seek God. Maybe what your kids need most is for you to stop seeking to rule over them, and just seek God more. Maybe what will allow you to experience more joy at work is to seek God in spite of your circumstances.

Here is God’s promise to you today: You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

Seeking God won’t change our circumstances, but it will change our hearts. That is where lasting transformation begins.

 

In Faith, Transformation
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Break Free From Your Need to Be Perfect

January 14, 2013 — 4 Comments

I was talking to a friend the other day about some issues he was having in a relationship. Tension was high. Frustration was thick. Expectations were not being met. He asked my advice. I gave it.

I said, “You are a perfectionist. You have to be perfect in every aspect of your life and you are expecting this person (that you have problems with) to be perfect. You want the relationship to be fixed more than you want it to be whole. You will always be disappointed, because they will never be perfect.”

My guess is that some of you are perfectionists too. You have to be perfect at work. You have to have a perfectly kept house. You have to have perfectly behaved kids. You have to be the perfect spouse. You have to be the perfect friend. If you can’t be perfect, then most likely you just put on the facade of perfection. You pretend things are perfect at home; with your kids, in your job. No one can know you may not be perfect, after all.

If you are perfectionist, here are some things you probably struggle with.

1. Live in defeat 

Perfectionists live with a sense of defeat because no matter how much they try, they aren’t perfect. They make mistakes that they can’t forgive themselves for making. They are defeated by the lack of perfection in their marriage; in their relationships; in their family.

2. Lack joy

Perfectionists lack joy because their best isn’t good enough. Marriage isn’t fun because it isn’t perfect. Kids aren’t enjoyable because they aren’t perfectly behaving. The house isn’t a refuge because you can’t keep it cleaned 24/7. The success you have at work isn’t enjoyable because you think about all you could have done better.

3. Unmet expectations

Perfectionists are disappointed with people. Their boss doesn’t meet their expectations. Their kids don’t meet their unfair expectations. Their spouse doesn’t meet their expectations. God is a disappointment. He doesn’t come through. He doesn’t meet the perfectionist’s expectations. No one is ever good enough for the perfectionists.

Here are a few suggestions to live in freedom.

-Commit to being real over being perfect.

Most perfectionists I know live with a need to impress others by their performace. Perfect is usually a cover for the fear they have of being honest and real. Freedom comes as you commit to be real, open and honest about your life, your mistakes and your insecurities.

-Give up the guilt

A lot of perfectionists feel guilty about everything. They take ownership of issues and attitudes that have nothing to do with them and then feel guilty about them. Stop feeling guilty for things that aren’t your fault.

God doesn’t expect you to be perfect. He longs for you to find yourself perfectly in Him. There is only one Messiah. When you give up your need to be the savior, God will save the perfectionist part of your heart and give you freedom to enjoy life again.

(Written by a recovering perfectionist)

In Transformation, Truth
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Just Do Your Thing, Let God Do His

January 11, 2013 — 2 Comments

Maybe this is a public confession and has nothing to do with you. Maybe this post is just me needing to share an insecurity I have that most people don’t struggle with. The truth about me is I think I can do God’s job as good as He can do it. I don’t say that out loud, but in my heart, I think I’m in control of things of which I have no control.

Yesterday morning I sat in my office praying off and on as I battled some anxiety about our book release. “We’ve never written a book before, God. We’ve never released a book before God. What if we mess up this whole thing? What if we don’t pub the book enough? What if we pub it too much and annoy people? What if?”

It was kind of a passive agressive statement to let God know I didn’t want him to leave us hanging.

I felt God say to me in that moment, “You remember that time you were separated from your wife and kids; everything you owned was packed up in boxes; you worked as a server at P.F. Changs; you were selling furniture to pay your mortgage and had no idea if your marriage would make it? Who had you then?”

“You had me then, God.”

“I had you then and I have you now. Just do your thing, and let me do mine.”

My most intimate moments with God have been when I have fully surrendered control to him. It wasn’t like I had control anyway, but I gave up my need to control and allowed God to be God.

Maybe you can relate. Maybe you struggle with this too.

-What if my husband doesn’t change, God?      You can’t change your husband, but God can. You can only be the wife God called you to be.

-What if my boss continues to be a jerk?           You can’t make your boss easier to get along with. But God can change your heart toward your boss as you be the best employee you can be.

-What if I don’t get that raise, close that deal, get that bonus?        But God can provide in amazing ways as you honor him with your finances.

What if?

Just do your thing and allow God to do His.

He is God, we are not.

 

In Beyond Ordinary Book, Life, Transformation
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New Year – New You

January 2, 2013 — 2 Comments

Going into a new year, we all have great intentions, don’t we? We’re going to lose that weight. We’re going to read our Bible every day. We’re going to spend more time with our kids than on our phone. We’re going to improve in our marriage. We’re going to eat healthier.

This year is going to be different. This year is going to be better. We’re going to be different. We’re going to be better. What I’ve come to realize about myself is that change is hard. Just because the calendar changes to a new year doesn’t guarantee I will change into a new person. My problem isn’t desire, it’s usually commitment.

The real problem is I can change my behavior, but unless my heart is transformed, the change is only temporary. So how do we change? How do we become a new person as we start a new year?

Here are 3 suggestions that will set the stage for you to experience change.

1. Pray this prayer

If you really want to change in 2013, there is only one prayer to pray: “God change me.” You don’t have the capacity to change your heart…only God does. So often we think we can will our way to the changes that we desire, but our will is weak. Our ability to change is only as strong as our willingness to surrender to the power of Christ in our life. This is a dangerous prayer to pray because this is a prayer God will always answer.

2. Set Goals, Don’t Make Resolutions

I used to make New Year’s resolutions each year. By January 15th I usually couldn’t even remember what those resolutions were. Resolutions usually sound impressive but rarely carry follow through. Goals are different. Goals are measurable. Goals carry with them a sense of accountability. Goals are intentional; resolutions are just good intentions. My encouragement to you is to set goals in these areas: spiritual, financial, parental (if you have kids) marital (if you are married) career. These areas will allow you to grow in all aspects of your life this year. (We will be sharing our goals with you in a few days).

3. Forgive 

Most of us bring a huge amount of baggage from one year to the next with us. We collect hurts and disappointments and carry them around with us. Resentment convinces us that it is a trophy to be admired, but it is really a weight that holds us back. If you are going to be a different person this year, you are going to have to fully forgive those that wounded you in 2012. You think that you are getting back at them for what they did, but you are only keeping 2013 from being all God in mind for it to be. Forgive and experience freedom.

Our prayer for you in 2013 is that you become the man or woman God created you to be. It is possible, but we will have to choose it. We won’t drift into it. Happy New Year!

 

In Faith, Life, Transformation
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Seduced by the Stage

November 26, 2012 — 1 Comment

I had the opportunity yesterday to speak at Cross Point. It is an honor to be able to speak at a church I love. After the service people were very kind and encouraging about the message, both in person and on Twitter.

As I was leaving last night, I was reminded of a phrase that Trish and I learned several years ago that used to have a grip on my heart. When Trisha and I started marriage counseling, one term that kept coming up in our counseling sessions was the term “the seduction of the stage.”

As we talked about this phrase, we discovered how easy it is for us to live for the applause of others rather than for the approval of God. It is a subtle shift that happens in our life that we don’t recognize until we begin altering our values. These values were once driven by a desire to please God, but slowly drift to impressing others; convincing others how great we are, trying to prove to others how worthy we are.

Brennan Manning says this in his book, Abba’s Child

 We give glory to God simply by being ourselves.

“We give God glory by simply being ourselves.” For so many years I felt like “myself” was never good enough. It wasn’t good enough for my dad; it wasn’t good enough for my coach; it wasn’t good enough for my professors; it wasn’t good enough for Trisha; it wasn’t good enough for the people that came to my church. Inadequacy had a grip on my heart.

At some point, I created this belief system that thought if I could achieve enough, receive enough applause and impress people enough, I would finally be comfortable being “myself”.

Living this way will never lead to you and I being ourselves…it only leads us to be performers; performers who are seduced by the stage. It is an exhausting way to live.

The truth about you is you don’t have to be more than you are right now to impress God. You don’t have to be better than you are right now to receive God’s affection.

You don’t have to perform. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to fake your way with God.

You are a son. You are a daughter. Unconditionally. Live in your belovedness today!

In Authenticity, Transformation
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A Few Months from Now

October 25, 2012 — 4 Comments

Sin’s greatest strength is that it is relentless. It wears you down. It messes with your mind. It always over promises and under delivers.

Sin doesn’t usually require you to make huge compromises or take giant leaps away from God…it lures you into tiny, unnoticeable, justifiable decisions.  It doesn’t always come against you with blatant lies; it just distorts and twists the truth. It hides, it compromises, it shades, and it bends.

What we begin to believe is that choosing our own way will work out. We are more talented than people we’ve seen fail. We are more wise than people we’ve seen fall. We are different. It will be okay. We will get over it. People will heal. It’s not that big of a deal. We believe that time will cover our sin. A few months from now, everything will be fine.

Maybe you’re contemplating sin right now. It talks to you. It taunts you.

It’s not an affair…it’s just text messages.

A little Internet porn never hurt anyone.

You deserve to have someone listen to you, and if your husband won’t listen, you’re your old boyfriend on Facebook will.   

Your wife doesn’t admire or respect you anymore, but your secretary does.

Leaving your wife won’t damage your kids that much.

Telling one lie doesn’t make you a liar.

It’s not cheating; you’re just being flirtatious.

I.Have.Been.There.

When I told my wife that I didn’t want to be married anymore; that I would be happier without her; that she would be happier without me; I was leaving her; it was because I had convinced myself that my way will be better. A few months from now, it will all blow over and life will be back to normal.

Can I share with you from personal experience…if you are contemplating or involved sin…here is what I learned the hard way:

  • A few months from now the grass will not be greener
  • A few months from now the lie will not be truth
  • A few months from now your kids will not be over it
  • A few months from now your pornography addiction will not be more manageable
  • A few months from now text messages will be more sensual not less
  • A few months from now seeing your kids every other weekend will still suck
  • A few months from now you won’t be happier without your husband
  • A few months from now what you’re hiding will not be easier to bury
  • A few months from now you will be even more exhausted than you are right now
  • A few months from now you’ll be further away from God than you ever thought possible

We are a product of our decisions. What you decide today…the compromise you choose today…the justification you settle for today…will greatly affect who you are and who you become a few months from now.

In Authenticity, Marriage, Transformation, Truth
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Self-Examination

October 17, 2012 — Leave a comment

I (Trisha) was recently asked a question from a sweet friend of mine who’s a soon-to-be Pastor’s Wife for the first time. She and her husband have had successful careers outside of the church walls but she shared that going into ministry feels like they’re starting all over. She asked…

“Who am I supposed to be or what role do I play as a pastor’s wife?”

My eyeballs got rather big with one eyebrow rising almost to my hairline. My response was quick, to the point and with a bit more passion than she anticipated.

I’m posting at Leading and Loving It today. Click HERE to read the rest of the post. 

In Transformation
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What Every Husband Needs from His Wife (That He Usually Gets at Work)

October 3, 2012 — 3 Comments

On Monday we got really honest about why guys struggle with being successful at their jobs, but not feeling successful at home. We heard from some women that said that this wasn’t a gender thing, that women feel that way too. As a guy writing the post, I didn’t want to speak for anyone other than guys. The bottom line is that we don’t often have the success at home that we desire because we give to our jobs what we aren’t willing to give to our marriages. 

Today, I want to speak to women about three things that your husband desperately needs from you, that he most likely gets from his job. These three things drive him. These three things cause him to want to do well. These three things keep him working overtime. These three things cause him to say he is going to be home at 5, but then shows up at 5:53.

These are three things that he needs from you far more than from his job.

1. Affirmation

Most guys work hard at their jobs so they can gain affirmation. They want someone to feel proud of them. They want to hear that what they are doing matters and that they are being successful. They want to be noticed and affirmed for doing well. Every man needs this at home too. They need to be told good job. They need to be affirmed and noticed. Are you affirming? Do you notice the great things he does or only the things that he fails to do? Do you make him feel like a success or like a failure?

2. Acceptance

One of the things that has driven my entire life has been the desire to be accepted. As men, we don’t really talk about this much, but this desire lives in the heart of every man. It is why we go out for sports. It’s why we join clubs. It is why we buy certain clothes. It is part of our DNA. Most guys believe that if they work hard enough and long enough and are successful enough they will find acceptance. The problem is that acceptance at work is conditional. It is based on our performance.  As a wife, you have the ability to offer unconditional acceptance. To love and believe in your husband can fill one of the biggest desires of his heart.

3. Accomplishment

Guys are driven to accomplish. We have sales goals. We have performance objectives. We have all of these things at work that tell us, “You are good enough. You have what it takes.” Honestly, most guys go home to an environment that they feel a very small sense of accomplishment. Most guys feel like their wife doesn’t think anything they do is good enough. They are always falling short. They are a constant disappointment. So most guys become more comfortable being at work than being at home. They feel more successful as an employee than they do as a husband.

Here is the deal. As a wife, God has given you the role and capacity to fill each of these emotional needs in your husband. None of these needs are bad. They become destructive when as men, we start looking outside of our relationship with God and with our spouse to find fulfillment in them.

Today is a new day. You can start today. Affirm your husband. Accept him for who he is not what you wish he was. Help him feel a sense of accomplishment in your marriage.

You give him these 3 things, you change everything about your marriage.

In Marriage, Transformation, Truth
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Why I Succeeded at Work But Not At Home

October 1, 2012 — 5 Comments

For the first ten years of our marriage, I had a reoccurring feeling. Sometimes the feeling was prompted by an argument between Trish and myself. Sometimes it was simply a comment that she made. Sometimes, if I’m honest, this feeling come from deep inside my heart, because I knew there was truth in it.

The feeling: I was a success at work- but not at home. 

At work, I had no problem hitting objectives. I had no problem leading. I felt capable and qualified. I not only knew what was expected of me, I often exceeded what was expected of me.

At home, I felt what I did wasn’t enough. I wasn’t capable. I wasn’t qualified. I wasn’t successful. No matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough. This feeling was Trisha’s fault. She made me feel this way. She caused me to feel guilty. She had unrealistic expectations. That is how I felt.

Things shifted for me in November 2005.

I was working at P.F. Chang’s as a server. One night as I was closing my section, a table of several high school students had come in for dinner after their school dance. They were loud, rude, made a huge mess and hung out so long that I was one of the last servers to leave. After they left, I was on my hands and knees under their table sweeping up rice and crushed up fortune cookies with my hands into a dust pan. I stood up and looked on the table, and they had left me a $5 tip! I thought, “I am busting my butt cleaning up after these kids who could care less about me…when is the last time I have done this at home?”

In that moment it hit me: I am successful at work and not at home because I give to my work what I am not willing to give at home.

Most guys I know struggle with this. Here are few things we do at work that we don’t do at home.

1. We set goals.

We have no problem setting sales goals; we set performance objectives; we dream about where our career will be a year from now. Yet when it comes to our marriage we often fail to set goals. We have no objectives. We stop dreaming. Setting goals at home is essential to success at home.

2. We give over and above what is required. 

We work overtime. We stay late. We go in early. We return email from our phone. We take calls to close the deal at dinner. We cut vacations short. We miss our kids’ games. We do this not always to make more money; but often to simply feel a sense of accomplishment. At home we are okay to give the minimum requirement. We do our share. We pull our weight. We check off our list. But no more. Success at home is found in going over and above what is required…not out of obligation but out of love.

3. We are willing to collaborate. 

When Trish and I were separated, I became aware of how willing I was to listen to any other person’s idea, and yet so quick to shoot her ideas down. I collaborated with others easily, but often demanded my ideas with my wife. Teamwork is as much a part of a successful marriage as it is a successful career.

Often the marriage we desire isn’t a matter of a major overhaul but a change in perspective. It isn’t about changing a ton of big things, it is making minor adjustments.

Maybe what makes you successul at work are the same things that will also help you be successful at home.

 

In Conflict, Marriage, Transformation
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