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The Prison of Insecurity

February 22, 2012 — 7 Comments

Everyone deals with insecurity differently. I spent most of my adult life trying to pretend my insecurity away. I pretended to be better than I really was. I acted like I was closer to God than I really was. I dressed like I had more money than I really had. I spoke with more confidence than I really had. I portrayed that I was a better husband than I really was. Most people would tell me that I struggled with pride, but it was a false pride, born out of insecurity.

I wasted so many days, weeks, months, years worried about what other people thought of me. I can remember speaking on a Sunday morning, and not getting as many compliments as I needed, so I’d go and ask people if they thought it was good. I have bought things I couldn’t afford to impress people I didn’t even like. I’ve said things that weren’t true to cause someone to think I was more important, or more gifted or wiser than I really am. I’ve worried myself sick over what someone thought of clothes that I wore or a comment that I made or a message I preached.

Insecurity will put you in a prison of second guessing. It will infiltrate your friendships. It will erode the intimacy of your marriage. Insecurity will convince you that you aren’t good enough so you better pretend to be better than you really are, and in that moment the YOU that God longs for you to be is lost.

The only cure I’ve found for insecurity is admitting just how insecure you are. It is ironic, actually. The greatest weapon against insecurity is to say, “I’m not secure in who I am.” It is in that moment, God has the room He needs to be all you’ve pretended to be.

Have you seen insecurity rob you of the person God’s created you to be?

In Authenticity, Life, Transformation

How Bad Do You Want It?

February 21, 2012 — 4 Comments

Sometimes it happens in an email. Sometimes it happens over coffee. Sometimes it happens after we speak at an event. We share our story of dysfunction, brokenness and restoration. We pull no punches about our mistakes and we don’t sugar coat how hard the recovery process was…how hard it is, still.

Then we’ll get an email; have a conversation or talk to a couple that pour out their heart about their marriage problems. She’s harboring resentment. He’s addicted to pornography. She’s had an emotional affair over Facebook. They live in the same house, but are more like roommates. The problems are all different, but their desire is the same: how can we fix it? How can we have what you have? They are desperate. They will do anything.

Trisha will return an email or I will start to talk about their need for marriage counseling or we will suggest our marriage coaching program or send a link to our MentorUs weekly subscription. Eyes gloss over. Emails aren’t returned. All kinds of reasons are given why marriage counseling won’t work. We want what you have, but don’t want to do what you did to have it.

When a relationship goes bad or a job is lost or our marriage starts to drift, we want God to intervene. We start praying and asking God for a miracle. We are confident that God can do something about our situation. God can heal our hurt. God can restore our marriage. God can mend a relationship. There are times, if we are honest we want the benefit of a better life without the pain of making better decisions. We expect God to bring change that we aren’t willing to pursue ourselves.

Some of us are waiting on God to heal a relationship…but we refuse to say we’re sorry.
Some of us are waiting on God to get us out of debt…but we refuse to stop using credit cards.
Some of us are waiting on God to give us the man or woman of our dreams…but we keep lowering our standards in the people we date.
Some of us are waiting on God to give us a new job but we refuse to give our best at our current job.
Some of us are waiting on God to fix our marriage, but we refuse to go to counseling.

How bad do we really want it? We want the blessing of what God can give us without the obedience that God calls us to.

Maybe there are times we don’t see God show up, not because of His inactivity, but because of ours.

How bad do you want it?

In Faith, Marriage, Transformation

Desire vs. Commitment

January 4, 2012 — 12 Comments

It is so much easier writing about what used to be than writing about what is.

January 3, 2012…I am four pounds away from my heaviest weight, ever. Just typing that brings up feelings of shame and embarrassment. I’ve written in the past about avoidance being my drug of choice…the past few months I’ve been avoiding the scale. I wanted to lose weight, I really did.

One of my goals for 2011 was to lose 50lbs. In June of last year, I had procrastinated enough, it was time to act. One of the owners of Boost Fitness goes to Cross Point and wanted to help me achieve that goal. He came up to me after one of our services and offered to personally train me. I’ve never had a personal trainer. I went in and they did an assessment of my current physical condition and it was worse than I thought. I wanted to change. I wanted to be different. Jon was committed to helping me. I started going 3 times a week and he was kicking my butt. If you’ve ever seen The Biggest Loser and seen the contestants crying and snotting and sweating…that was me. He killed me. On the off days of Jon’s training I would run 3 miles.

I started dropping weight like crazy. I lost like 28 lbs. in the first 8 weeks. Then I started traveling and life got busy and things came up and I stopped going to the gym. I pulled a hamstring playing basketball so I couldn’t run for a few days. Then a few days became a week and a week became two. I started justifying compromising my diet and would think, “This bowl of cereal won’t cost me that much.” “I’ve lost 28 lbs…I won’t gain it back with this candy bar.”

It was a weird thing…when I stopped working out and stopped meeting Jon at the gym, I started gaining weight. That was so wild! I couldn’t understand…my desire to lose weight was just as strong. I still wanted to lose weight, but my commitment faded. I wanted the benefits of working out, without working out. Life doesn’t work that way does it. That reality came crashing home on Monday of this week when I went back to visit Jon and many of my measurements were worse than they were back in June. Everyone has desire, but what I need more than desire is commitment.

We all desire change, right? It’s why you read blogs; it’s why you go to church; it’s why you pray; it’s why you read books; we all desire change. But so often in our life our commitment to change is much less than our desire to change.

What if your commitment to change started matching your desire to change? If your commitment to change matched your desire to change what would be different about you?

If your commitment to be generous matched your desire to be generous, you would give more. You would write a check. You would give your time.

If your commitment to overcome an addiction matched your desire to overcome an addiction you would admit you are addicted; you would tell someone about your addiction; you would seek help in overcoming that addiction.

If your commitment to be honest matched your desire to be honest you would not just be accountable in your life; you would choose to be transparent. You would have hard conversations. You would tell the truth even when it would be easier to lie.

If your commitment to your marriage matched your desire to have a better marriage, you would invest in your marriage more; you would pursue your wife; you would make time for your husband; you would value your marriage over money or career advancement. You would be intentional and not just have good intentions.

When our commitment to change is less than our desire to change…we won’t change.

I don’t want to lose one more day desiring something that I am not committed to. I don’t want that for you either. Today is the day of commitment. So is tomorrow and the next day and the next.

In Authenticity, Goals, Marriage, Transformation

3 Fears That Will Hold You Back

January 3, 2012 — 4 Comments

We have great intentions don’t we? If our life was measured by our intentions we would all be very successful in all aspects of life. We intend to have great marriages. We intend to have deep friendships. We intend to be completely honest. We intend to share all of our heart. We intend to be fully known. What prevents our intentions from being reality?

Fear.

There are three fears that have robbed me of what I have wanted for myself and desired for my marriage and friendships. When any or all of these fears are greater than our intentions to be fully known, intimacy will be always be the casualty. These three fears may be holding you back from having the marriage you want; the relationship with God you want; the friendships you desire.

1. Fear of Being Found Out

When we have something we are hiding, we will never experience intimacy at its greatest level. When we fear being found out we withhold ourselves from those we care about most. Our fear will over take our heart and we will stress out and we will imagine worst case scenarios and we will allow the fear of being found out to do more damage than simply telling the truth.Most of the time trying to hide the truth only leads us to what we fear the most: being found out.

2. Fear of Not Being Loved

Insecurity has robbed me of being fully known in so many relationships. When you allow the fear of not being loved to live in your heart, you are never fully yourself. You are constantly tempted to change who you are to live up to what you perceive others’ expectations to be. You are not happy being you and you feel like you are never appreciated for who you truly are. Fear of not being loved robs you of what you fear losing: Love.

3. Fear of Emotional Pain

There is an equation that we all calculate when pursuing intimacy: If I share this will the pain I experience be worth it in the end. If I share my heart; if I bring this into the light; if I open this can of worms will it be worth it? Those of us that fear emotional pain are great at pretending like things are okay in our life; in our marriage; in a friendship; even when they are not okay. We compromise intimacy by trying to avoid pain and in the end we cause ourselves and others what we fear the most: pain.

Maybe the marriage you want; the friendship you intend to have; the person you intend to be is being held back by one word: Fear.

What you intend to have and the intimacy you desire can be yours…if you will overcome your fears.

In Authenticity, Character, Transformation

Always Sorry…Never Changing

October 3, 2011 — 8 Comments

About three months before the affair started, Trisha and I got into one of, if not the biggest arguments we’d ever had. Our disagreement started out small but continued to escalate and get louder and more mean as the night went on. I inherited a pretty volatile temper from my dad, so even though I don’t like conflict, my fuse was pretty short, especially when it came to Trish. I don’t remember what our argument was about, but I do remember how it ended. I said, “You are such a b*tch.”

She was done. I realized I had crossed a line. We went to our separate corners.

Later that night, I went to apologize. We were sitting in the hallway outside our bedroom. I said, “I want you to know I am really sorry. I’m sorry for yelling. I’m sorry for calling you names. I’m really sorry.” Trish said, “You are always sorry. You just never change.” I remember feeling so hopeless in that moment. That statement was so true. It was not only true about me, it was true about both of us. We were always sorry, but we never changed.

Unfortunately, it took the affair and our separation for us to move beyond being sorry and to move into being changed. One of our biggest areas of conflict has always centered around money. Trisha would go to Target and buy $40 worth of toiletries and I would go off about how much money she spent. We would get into an argument that would end the same way every argument would end…both of us feeling sorry but hopeless to change.

What I realized when we were separated is that change comes when I am sorry for more than just my behavior. I was always sorry for yelling. I was always sorry for cussing. I was always sorry for my short temper. I was always sorry for overreacting. It wasn’t until I was sorry for the condition of my heart that I was able to change. My issue wasn’t the $40 that Trish spent at Target…my issue is that I am a control freak and don’t like feeling out of control of our money. So it didn’t matter if it was $10 or $400 the argument and my reaction were always the same. Once I identified the core problem in my heart, I asked God to heal that part of me, I was able to change my reaction.

Maybe today you are in a place where you feel like you are always apologizing, but you are never changing. You’re temper is as bad today as it was four years ago. You have the same arguments today that you had when you first got married. You are sorry for going off on your kids. You are sorry for getting home late. You are truly sorry for screaming and yelling. You’re sorry…you just aren’t changing.

Can I encourage you today to look deeper. Look beyond your behavior; look beyond your reaction; look beyond your argument and look inside your heart. There is brokenness in you that is driving your behavior. That is what God longs to heal. That is what God longs to make new.

Your apology can lead to change. It won’t be overnight, but it will come.

In Conflict, Family, Marriage, Transformation

Truly Inspired

September 27, 2011 — 12 Comments

It is Tuesday! Tuesday in our house is Biggest Loser Night. The Biggest Loser is one of my all time favorite shows. I am a sucker for The Biggest Loser. I love the stories of the people that are on the show. I love watching them succeed in something that they have failed at most of their lives. I love watching them get to the core problems in their life that has caused them to be broken and hurt and turn to eating as a solution. I love watching them lose weight and gain self-esteem and confidence.

Almost every single week I sit on my couch and watch The Biggest Loser and cry. My family makes fun of me. I’m totally fine with that. The show truly inspires me. Over the past 10 years, I have gained weight and lost weight. Gained weight and lost weight. I never struggled with my weight growing up or in college. When I hit age 25, it was like 25lbs hit me. It has been a battle for me.

Every single Tuesday I sit on my couch and I am inspired by the people I’m watching. I am moved by their commitment. I watch personal trainers lead exercises that get results. I watch professional chefs give cooking tips and weight loss tips and it inspires me. I am inspired to lose the weight I need to lose. I can feel it. Tomorrow I’m going to the gym. But as I watch, I feel the need for a bowl of ice cream. Sometimes we are out of ice cream so I pop a bag of popcorn. Popcorn is somewhat light and doesn’t fill me up so I might grab some chips and salsa and eat that while I watch.

You know what I’ve learned recently…There is a huge difference between inspiration and transformation.

Just because I am inspired doesn’t mean I will be transformed. Inspiration requires that I feel something…transformation requires that I do something. I think can do the same exact thing as Christians. We have more access to information than ever before. We have online churches and blogs and books and conferences and Google. We have access to so much information yet we experience so little transformation.

Over the past three months, I’ve been able to lose 20lbs. I have about 20 more to go, but I am excited about my progress. A few weeks ago, I was laying in bed arguing with myself about getting up and going to the gym. I finally said to myself, “Laying here is what made you fat. The only thing you gain by laying here is weight.” Inspiration doesn’t change us over the long term. We need to seek transformation. We need to start applying all of the things we know in our heart to our lives.

Maybe you are seeking inspiration in a relationship…but what you need is transformation.

Maybe you desire inspiration to improve your marriage…but what you need is transformation.

Maybe you are looking for inspiration to be the mom or dad you know you should be…but what you need is transformation.

Inspiration comes as we acquire more information. Transformation comes as we apply what we know to our lives.

Our prayer is that RefineUs is a tool of transformation not just inspiration.

Have you confused inspiration with transformation?

In Character, Life, Marriage, Transformation

The Whole Truth

September 15, 2011 — 79 Comments

A few weeks ago, my friend Grant and I happened to show up at the same Starbucks at the same time. He had scripts to write for the weekend and I had a message to write. We exchanged small talk then went to work. A few hours later, I was up and ready to leave, and Grant handed me a CD. It was a burned CD with some writing on it. In Nashville, people hand you those all the time, so it wasn’t out of the ordinary.

What caught my attention is how he described the CD. He said, “Your story is all about brokenness and redemption…this CD is redemption put to music. Really good music.” I grabbed the CD and told him I would listen to it. I got in my car and put the CD in as I drove to pick up one of my sons from school. By the time I got to the school I was in tears. I sat there and heard MY story on this CD. Story of failure. Story of hurt and betrayal. Story of disappointing and letting down. But the story of grace and restoration and redemption was louder than the bass. It was music to my soul.

As my son got in the car he said, “What’s wrong with you?” I told him about the CD and just how God had spoken to my heart through it. He asked if he could listen. I turned the radio back on and immediately he said, “That’s Da Truth!!!” I said, “You know who this guy is?” “My son said, “Dad he is one of my favorite rappers.” We drove home listening to the CD and talking about the lyrics. I got home and sent Grant a text and said, “You have to hook me up with this guy!” So over the last couple of weeks, I have been messaging back and forth with Da Truth. (My kids think I’m really cool at this point.)

His CD released on Wednesday of this week, and he has been so gracious to allow me to give away 5 autograph copies of his newest CD The Whole Truth. Track 5 is my favorite track on the entire CD and it is the title track to the CD. You can watch the music video below.

I don’t want to blow the surprise, so I’ll just say this. I’m going to be sharing more with you next week about Da Truth’s story. He and his wife have an incredible story of failure, loss and redemption that I can’t wait to share with you! One of the greatest things beyond the lyrics of this CD is that all 3 of our boys LOVE this CD. So as we are driving in the car, each one of them requests a certain track. What a gift to listen to music that shares God’s story in a relevant way for Trisha and me…and our 3 boys. Such a gift!

If you’d like to enter to win the AUTOGRAPHED copy of the CD, it’s pretty easy.

1. Leave a comment and share with us your favorite style of music. (even if you like country I won’t disqualify you.)
2. Tweet this on Twitter: Enter to win the new @truthonduty AUTOGRAPHED CD from @justindavis33 and refineus.org http://bit.ly/mUH4c1
3. If you hit LIKE on the post, put that in the comments and that will enter you again.

Even if you don’t win, you can purchase The Whole Truth on iTunes:CLICK HERE

We’ll announce winners on Sunday and I’ll have more of Da Truth’s story next week.

In Faith, Redemption, Transformation

A Blog Can’t Change The World

May 19, 2011 — 27 Comments

Yesterday, our staff at Cross Point gathered in the afternoon to watch an online leadership conference. One of the first speakers is the pastor of a very large church in the Midwest. I’ve been to his church, met with his staff, and been very impressed with his ministry. But in one section of his talk, he went off on “popular bloggers” and “hip bloggers”. Then he made a statement that I haven’t been able to let go of.

“Let’s be honest, there is no way that a blog is going to change the world.”

Late yesterday afternoon, we received this comment on the post Alece wrote:

I came across this site 2 months into my divorce. I was the one that filed. I was the one convinced that it was over and that I wanted it that way. For whatever reason I searched the Internet searching for validation but instead found Refine Us. The posts made me think, make me second guess myself and the feelings I believed that God supported my decision. I couldn’t believe that a couple could go through what Justin and Trisha went through and stay together!

I feel very confident that this website SAVED MY MARRIAGE. I cancelled the divorce and my husband and I are still together and working through our issues. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us!

This pastor is right. A blog can’t change the world. Neither can a pastor.

A church can’t change the world. A ministry can’t change the world. A building can’t change the world. You can’t change the world. Neither can I. Neither can this guy.

World changing is only available through the powerful redemption and grace of Jesus Christ. World changing is reserved for Him.

That is what we want to be found here.

This is where Jesus lives. This is where His story gets told. This is where His power is made strong in weakness. This is where His glory shines brightly. This is where His amazing grace is shared. This blog isn’t written to change the world. It is written to tell of the world in our hearts that has been changed through the person and the love and mercy of Jesus Christ.

He is a world changer. If you come here long enough, our prayer is that your world will be changed through Him.

In Redemption, Restoration, Transformation

Death by Comparison Part 1

May 10, 2011 — 16 Comments

Our oldest son Micah has become a really good basketball player. He has the potential to be great. He and I have started to have some epic driveway battles, as we have played one-on-one the past few months. Even more epic than our basketball games is the trash talking that takes place before, during and after each game.

Last week, I came inside and told Trisha that I only have six more months at the most before Micah will be able to beat me. (I had won again. ) In response he said, “I can’t believe you can’t dunk anymore!” I said, “I’m 37 years old, why would I be able to dunk?” He said, “Michael Jordan is 47 and he can dunk. I bet Magic Johnson can dunk. Shaq is 39 and he can still dunk.” I was laughing at this point. His argument was ridiculous. I said, “You are comparing me to people that I should never be compared to. That doesn’t even make sense!”

Our conversation ended and we went about our evening. Later that night, I was replaying the conversation in my head. Smiling as I thought about how that conversation went…what was he thinking comparing me to people to whom I should never be compared?!

In that moment, I heard God say, “Justin, you do that all the time. You compare yourself to other people all the time…people you should never compare yourself with.”

I compare my talents and gifts with yours
I compare my friendships with yours
I compare my kids with your kids
I compare my neighborhood with yours
I compare my title with yours
I compare my car with yours
I compare my body shape with yours
I compare my hair style with yours
I compare my relationship with God with your relationship with God
I compare my performance as a parent with your success/failure as a parent

I am never fully alive when I compare. Comparison will cause you to travel one of two paths: envy or pride. When I compare myself to you, I will either envy what you have because I think you are better or prettier or more talented, or closer to God. Or, my heart will be filled with pride because I have more ability, I have more possessions, my walk with God is stronger.

Comparison never brings life to our heart; it always causes a part of our heart to die. God designed us to be original, yet we spend so much energy trying to be a carbon copy of someone else.

How much joy have I forfeited because of comparison? What have I not experienced that God had in store for me because I was hoping to get what someone else got?

Do you struggle with comparing yourself with others?

In Authenticity, Character, Faith, Transformation

3 Steps Forward, 2 Steps Back

April 25, 2011 — 13 Comments

My entire life I’ve heard the phrase “Three steps forward, two steps back.” This phrase is rarely used as a declaration of achievement. Most of the time that I have used it is has been an admission of failure. I have not made as much progress in a particular area of my life that I had hoped…I took three steps forward and two steps back. I have said this phrase ashamed, disappointed and defeated.

I heard someone the other day say this phrase and it caused me to think through the “two steps back” moments of my life. Would I love to always take three steps forward? Absolutely! Would I love to achieve perfection in every area of my life? Yes! But what God has taught me is that life is more about my journey of transformation than my ability to be perfect (or pretend to be perfect).

Here are a few things “two steps back” has provided:

Perspective: there are times that I only appreciate the three steps I have taken forward after I realize I’ve taken two steps back. I am often so consumed by moving forward it isn’t until I fail that I stop and see how far God has brought me.
Humility: why is it that success can cause me to think how great I am but failure can cause me to realize how great God is? There are times that my two steps back in life, marriage, parenting or ministry has allowed me to realize that there is a God, and I am not Him.
My Need for Grace: I grew up thinking grace was an event. The receiving of God’s grace was what occurred at the moment of salvation. What I’ve realized in the two steps back moments in life is that I need God’s grace every single day. It is what not only saves me, but sustains me.
Determination to Take 3 More Steps: I want the failures in my life not to define me but to help me. I want to learn and grow and become more of the person God has created me to be, and often that comes through failure. Taking two steps back allows me to see how important taking three more steps forward will be. It provides me fuel to continue on the journey to become more like Christ.

God isn’t interested in you being perfect. He wants you to be teachable. He wants to transform you. Often that process of transformation looks like “three steps forward, then two steps back.” Don’t be discouraged. Be determined. Learn the things God has for you in the two steps so you can take three more steps.

Remember three minus two is still progress.

In Character, Transformation