Archives For Grief

Dear Daddy

August 8, 2011 — 20 Comments

Last Wednesday, Trisha and I had the opportunity to celebrate the life of a long time friend, Fred Timberman. At one point in the funeral ceremony, it was opened up for people to share anything they wanted to share about Fred’s life. The first person to speak was Fred’s adult daughter, Lisa. She read a letter she wrote to her father. The letter impacted me so much as a father, I wanted to share it with you.

 

For Fred Timberman

August 3, 2011

Dear Daddy—

Thank you for a lifetime of laughter.

Thank you for being the dad for whom the neighborhood kid would come ask mom if you could come out and play.

Thank you for the image of when we were playing Pictionary and we laughed so hard at your drawing of a cheerleader that we fell off the bed; and another of you clutching your heart when Becky & Brian gave you and Mom a baby rattle for Christmas to announce their pregnancy with your first grandchild. And not so long ago when we went to the park and Eli talked you into going down the slide. Thanks for playing lead singer in our Wii Band—Wave to the Octopus. I will forever cherish the memory of you prank calling Shelley pretending you were from a fashion magazine to razz her about her hip shoes.

Thank you for always spilling your pretend tea at our tea parties, and for saying such things as ālmonds, sālmon, and “wiliefold.” For starting every morning with “good morning breakfast clubbers, to do, to do.”

Thank you for your tender heart that never met an animal you did not love, and for loving us so deeply… sometimes in that order.

Thank you for making family first—for the millions of decisions, day in and out, year in and year out— for fifty years—where you put family above all else. And for your unconditional love; we never doubted for a moment that you were there for us—even when I tested you with my vegetarian ways.

Thank you for being living proof that success in life is not measured in titles or dollars, but in the friends and family who pour out of the woodwork to comfort you in your most difficult hours, and in the souls whose hearts break at the thought of not spending more time with you.

Thank you for being everything we could have asked for in a husband, brother, uncle, father, and papaw.

What immediately stood out to me was what she thanked her father for…She didn’t thank him for barbie dolls; swing sets; bicycles; her first car or her college education. She thanked him, not for the gifts he gave, but for the life he invested. I want to be the kind of father that my kids write a letter like this to me at my funeral.

What are your thoughts as you read the letter?

In Family, Grief, Kids, Life
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Layers of Forgiveness

August 11, 2010 — 28 Comments

Do you ever feel that when you hear the word forgiveness it feels one-dimensional? Like your supposed to forgive and then just move on? You know the famous line “forgive and forget.”

As I stated in my first post of this series my pastor Pete spoke on forgiveness Sunday. He gave the word forgiveness dimension that I knew in my heart and head but couldn’t express through words. And he did it with just four words:

FORGIVENESS WILL COST YOU

To choose to forgive means to embrace the reality of your hurt and offer forgiveness regardless of the person(s) response. The cost is great but the reward is even greater. Jesus paid a huge price to forgive us and the reward in his obedience to the Father is receiving eternal life with him. His forgiveness was not one-dimensional. Yes it had one purpose, but the price he paid to offer forgiveness was:

Humbling – as He entered this world as a helpless infant

Complicated – as He was often misunderstood by friends and family

Lonely – as He wondered in the dessert being tempted in anyway possible to give-up

Overwhelming – as He is BETRAYED and DESERTED by his closest friends

Painful – As He was made fun off, beaten, abused and hung on a cross

Humbling. Complicated. Lonely. Overwhelming. Painful.

Do these words resonate with your heart when you think about the person(s) you are trying to forgive?

There is nothing one-dimensional or “forgive and forget” to this forgiveness.

FORGIVENESS WILL COST YOU

Matthew 5:4, Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

I am no theologian by any stretch but I believe that grieving and forgiveness are closely connected. As Christians we often feel guilty for being angry, sad or depressed because of how we’ve been hurt. It is OK to be angry! It is OK to feel depressed! It is OK to feel confused! It is OK to feel hopeless. Just because you feel these emotions doesn’t change who God is and the love he has for you.

Grieving and forgiveness are so needed in the restoration process. Restoration may not happen with the person(s) who wronged you but rather restoration is possible for you as a person and child of God. While it can be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief it is essential to grieve and forgive so healing can begin.

“As painful as they may be, emotional wounds need to be exposed to Jesus Christ so He can heal them.”- Focus on the Family

Jesus felt the emotions of grief, embraced them but did not sin through them. We are sinful natured people. We will most-likely fail at times in the grieving process but in the process healing will begin and forgiveness will start to take place.

I’m so thankful that forgiveness is not one-dimensional (most days) because I have learned so much about myself as I have grieved. I have had to embrace the reality that my hurts can have layers and as they are pulled back Jesus in his gentle voice reveals I have not forgiven freely. Like I said most days I am thankful for the journey.

Are you tempted to see forgiveness as one-dimensional?

In Forgiveness, Grief, Marriage
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Five Things You Must Do When Your Spouse Has Had An Affair (Repost)

June 18, 2010 — 19 Comments

{ We are reposting this series of posts today and tomorrow as a resource for you to pass on to those you know who are in this situation. We’d be honored if you would retweet and post this on Facebook to share this message with as many hurting people as possible. }

The pressure of writing this post is a bit overwhelming and my heart is heavy. Sigh… not because I think I have all the answers but simply the reality of the broken person who will search for this resource. Remembering that surreal and painful moment of hearing “I’m having an affair.” And now knowing that I may be speaking into your “moment” causes me to stop and pray hard that I don’t mess this up.

As I (Trisha), write I am reminded that this isn’t about what I’ve done. This post is all about what Christ did for me in my “moment” and how He continues to restore and bring HOPE in what was a very hopeless situation! This post is for YOU the hurting and broken spouse whose world is being turned upside down. I pray my words are encouraging and hope filled as you begin your journey of healing.

1. Grieve!
The Grieving process is a gift from God. As Christians we often feel guilty for being angry, sad or depressed. Knowing your spouse has had an affair is like being told they have died. All that you have thought to be true about your marriage and your spouse is now dead. It is OK to be angry! It is OK to feel depressed! It is OK to feel confused! It is OK to feel hopeless. Just because you feel these emotions it doesn’t change who God is and the love he has for you.

Grieving is the start to the restoration process and maybe not for your marriage but for you as a person and child of God. While it can be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief it is essential to grieve and understand that with grieving comes healing!

2. Get Help! You Need Community.
When Justin said “I’m having an affair” it seemed that all my community disappeared. The affair was with my best friend and staff member of our church. The two people I should be able to turn to in a crisis were no longer there. It was SO LONELY. I was confused, tired, disoriented and in desperate need of help. The Lord brought an amazing group of women who despite hurting themselves loved me, embraced me and helped me SURVIVE the next few days and weeks.

I don’t know who this is for you. Pray that God would bring people to mind and trust those people to help you. I know it’s hard. Here I lost the two people closest to me and now had to trust others? Community may not be easy but IT’S A MUST. You need community for the sake of your family, your mental health and for a covering of prayer.

3. Create Boundaries / Create a Plan
I often say that just like with parenting there are general principles we can apply when parenting our children but if you’re a parent you know that each child is different. The same is true for your marriage. Although there are general steps you can take for your marriage, each marriage is different and your boundaries and plan will look different from mine.

Justin was NOT broken at the beginning of his confession! He was cold and made it very clear he was not in love with me and was not coming home. This was MY reality and I needed to create healthy boundaries. I kicked him out of our house. I created a new checking account and took the majority of our money. I had someone help me understand our finances because Justin did everything. I had a couple that helped me connect with Justin to take our boys since I wasn’t speaking to him. The list goes on and on. But with a plan and clear boundaries it gave my boys and I stability when my life was falling apart and time and space to begin to heal.

4. Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
Let me first say that just because someone is a counselor that doesn’t mean they are good at what they do! Justin and I were so blessed by two amazing counselors Kathy (JD’s counselor) and Dan our marriage counselor. I don’t care if it takes you 5 tries to find a counselor your comfortable with YOU NEED TO GO.

Dan helped me navigate my emotions of the hurtful details Justin would share with me. He gave me tools to know how to grieve in a way that is healthy. He taught me that it was ok to “go after Justin” in sessions and demand the truth. He helped me to see my own junk and brokenness instead of hiding behind Justin’s. He allowed me to be angry but helped me not to become bitter. Each session we had to trust and choose to take ownership and action to step into that path of healing he was helping to provide.

5. Identity Thief / Finding Who You Are
It’s emotional to write this one. Who am I? What do I do from here? What will my family and friends say or do? What will my work do? Will I find a job to support my family? Am I really a single parent now? What if he marries her? How do I tell my kids? How do I walk my kids into school knowing half of our congregation will be there? God why? God what do I do? I worked so hard. I sacrificed so much just for this?

I no longer knew who I was. I hadn’t realized how I used so many other titles such as pastor’s wife, mom and friend to find my identity. The loss of so much brought me to my knees. Yet it allowed me to see that the only identity that matters is who I am in Christ. A loved daughter of the king and in time Jesus would teach me that this is enough.

In Adultry, Affair, Counseling, Crisis, Grief, Marriage, Refine Our Marriage, Restoration
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