Archives For Guest Blogging

5 Pitfalls to Avoid In Your Love Life

May 31, 2013 — 1 Comment

This is a sponsored post from eHarmony.com. There are lot of poor online dating choices on the web. eHarmony strives for integrity and a comprehensive process to help single men and women find their best dating match. 

When we look for love, it’s easy to think that getting into a relationship will solve all of our problems. The truth is that, while romantic relationships can certainly enhance our lives, there are lots of things which can stand in the way of our happiness even when we’re coupled up. Here are some of the pitfalls which can prevent us from enjoying healthy, loving relationships.

1. Unresolved feelings

Sometimes it’s easy to think that a new relationship will provide a new start but if there are unresolved feelings hanging around, it can be anything but. Even if you’re convinced that your ex is out of your life forever, it doesn’t mean you should jump into a new commitment. How will you feel if your ex suddenly returns? Feeling as though you have definitely moved on is much more important than making sure you have a new partner in your life.

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http://www.flickr.com/photos/rahnaynay/2905900818/

2. Low self-confidence

When one partner is constantly reassuring the other or having to change their plans to fit around their loved one’s anxieties, it can put a real strain on an otherwise good relationship. A relationship isn’t supposed to fix the parts of yourself which you feel are broken. Knowing that you’re loved is only half the journey – feeling all right in yourself is crucial to the survival of a partnership with someone else.

3. Jealousy

Following on from the idea of low self-confidence, jealousy is another relationship nightmare. When you feel down about yourself, you’re more likely to be suspicious about why your partner wants to be with you. This may cause feelings of insecurity or frustration and might lead to obsessive behavior, such as demanding your partner be in constant contact, checking their phone or insisting that they’re not telling the truth.

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Ironically, people who fear that their partner may be cheating on them are much more likely to cheat on their partner themselves out of fear that they’ll be left alone. Resolving feelings of insecurity can take time but it’s a good idea to recognize when it’s happening so that you can do something about it.

4. Not meeting the right people

When you’ve been single for a while, it could be because you’re stuck for ideas of where to meet people. It’s easy to go round in circles, believing that there is some perfect place where you can go to meet the partner of your dreams but, the truth is, meeting a partner takes time. The best way to go about it is simply to increase your socializing and be patient. If you get out and about enough then eventually the right person will appear.

Online dating is a good option for busy people as it doesn’t take long to search for like-minded people who are ideally suited to you (click here for more information).

5. Having impossible standards

Being in a relationship isn’t always a walk in the park and there will be times when you and your partner drive each other crazy. Walking away from a relationship because it isn’t perfect or because your partner can’t be everything you need at all times will only make you feel miserable and bereft. By following dating advice and being patient with each other, you’ll be able to see that you’re both human and there will be times when you need space.

Cultivating a healthy love life takes work, whether you’re single, dating or in a long-term relationship. Being able to spot these pitfalls when they arise could go a long way to helping you find the relationship you deserve.

 

In Guest Blogging, Relationships
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Marriage Adventures

April 19, 2013 — 1 Comment

The following is a guest post from our friend Carrie Starr.  Carrie and her husband Erv teach business together at Roberts Wesleyan College in Rochester, NY.  They are authors of brand new book: Marriage Adventures. The Secret to an Extraordinary Life Together.  

Check out their blog: www.marriageadventures.org.

Follow them on Twitter:

Carrie: @adventurecarrie

Erv: @profstarr

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Our marriage was doomed from the start.

Between the two of us, our parents have been married six different times.  The odds were stacked against us.

Fresh out of college, we believed our marriage could be different. We wanted our first marriage to be our only marriage, despite the flawed blueprint we’d received.

Working with college students, we’ve found that most young adults feel the same way.  They want their first marriage to be their only marriage.

They don’t want to become another divorce statistic.

Relationships are risky.

Each of us longs for adventure.  We want to beat the odds and experience something extraordinary.

We know that adventures require risk.

Marriage is the most risky relationship of all.

When we commit to someone for the rest of our lives, we make ourselves vulnerable.  We could be hurt, betrayed, or abandoned.

Yet through marriage, we also open ourselves up to the greatest possibility for adventure.

Experiencing lifelong intimacy with another person is a thrilling opportunity.

We believed it was worth the risk.

We want to help other couples take the leap toward marriage equipped to survive the adventure.

The dangers are real. The risks are high. And the rewards are incredible.

By living a bold life of adventure in our communication, our finances, and our physical intimacy, most observers of our marriage think we are still on our honeymoon.

This summer, we will celebrate our 20th anniversary!

Our new book, Marriage Adventures is our adventure story. From the moment we first met to our cross-country camping honeymoon to our Alaskan anniversary, we share the secrets of our extraordinary life together with courage and transparency.

We invite you to join us on our journey and discover how to make your marriage the adventure of a lifetime!

In Guest Blogging, Marriage
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Beyond Ordinary Forgiveness

April 10, 2013 — Leave a comment

As Justin and I share our story, the affair gets all the attention, but what I have come to realize is that I had a forgiveness issue long before the affair. I had mastered the art of unforgiveness, and felt clueless about what true forgiveness looked like.

One of the questions I always get is, “How did you ever forgive Justin? How in the world could you forgive him after what he did?” It is one of the most important questions you can ask, and one of the most amazing questions we have the honor of answering. After all, ordinary lives in resentment, but extraordinary lives in forgiveness.

Resentment can have such a grip on our hearts that we need to forgive often for our own healing. That is exactly what we realized as we walked through the cycle of forgiveness. Forgiveness is hard.

I’m (Trish) am posting again today over at (in)Courage. To read the rest of this post on forgiveness and to enter to win 1 of 5 FREE copies of our book Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn’t Good Enough click HERE. 

 

In Forgiveness, Guest Blogging, Marriage
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An Invitation to Dream

April 8, 2013 — Leave a comment

One of my favorite things about growing-up in the Midwest was experiencing all four seasons.There’s beauty to be found in winter, spring, summer and fall along with a sense of disappointment in how fast they seem to come and go. I love how seasons bring rhythm and familiarity in the ordinary daily grind of life but just as you start to settle in and get comfortable with the scenery it changes.

This particular fall day the trees outside my front window were brilliant with color.

Each leaf in its final act of life burst forth with radiant colors before eventually falling to the ground only to fade and grow no more. As I gazed at all the different colors my heart was aching to find familiar. Familiar in a scene I had looked at time and time again yet nothing looked the same, not even the leaves on the trees.

I (Trisha) am guest posting at (in)courage this week. Read the rest of this post and you could win one of five copies of our book, Beyond Ordinary. Read the rest of the post HERE.

incourage

In Beyond Ordinary Book, Faith, Guest Blogging
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Seasons

March 7, 2013 — Leave a comment

Over the past couple of months Justin and I have been on an intense travel schedule. It’s a season our whole family has spent almost a year preparing for. Over the past six weeks I have slept in eight different hotels and spoken over twenty times. I have gone from being a stay-at-home mom, working only part-time to working over-time. There’s been a lot of adjusting for us as a couple and as a family.

I have sat down many times to write knowing I was scheduled to write a blog post for today. In fact, I ended up writing two separate posts on two different topics but neither of them felt right. Both fell flat and came more from my head rather than my heart. To be honest I was just trying to get it done.

This morning I couldn’t bring myself to post either of them. I was getting frustrated and then it hit me. I’m exhausted. Don’t get me wrong we have been blown away by God’s favor and grateful beyond words for the opportunities that have come our way! But this season has left me emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted.

The past few weeks reminded me of the early days of church planting. When money’s tight; staff is short and you hope people show-up on Sunday. There is an overwhelming amount of time and energy put into everything you do and you convince yourself you will somehow find rest during the week. It aseason of ministry that demands you to be fully engaged heart, mind and soul 24/7.

But seasons can be dangerous.

 Read the rest of this post over at Leading and Loving It: Click HERE 

In Guest Blogging, Life
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5 Truths of Sexual Temptation

August 1, 2012 — 4 Comments

Several months ago I got a call from one of our pastors. He had agreed to do a wedding for a couple in our church, but had an unexpected conflict come up in his schedule and was unable to perform their ceremony. Their wedding was three weeks away. I agreed to perform the ceremony and made an appointment to do dinner with the couple. 

A few nights later I met Rory Vaden and his soon to be wife A.J. My life was changed for the better. Rory is one of the most caring, selfless men I have ever met. He and A.J. are a couple that every pastor dreams of marrying. They love God deeply and love one another fully. Since his wedding, Rory has written a New York Times Best Selling book called, Take the Stairs. It is such an inspirational book. We are honored to have Rory guest post today, and man is it a powerful post. 

Follow: Rory on Twitter

Buy: Take The Stairs

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You’ve probably heard the phrase before “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Well, recently I went to Las Vegas to celebrate one of my best friend’s bachelor parties. There is a reason why they call it “Sin City”. Temptation and indulgence of every kind lurks at every corner – literally.

One of the easiest and most common temptations to find is sex. You can’t move your head without seeing suggestions of sex on a billboard, sidewalk, or at a dance club. While I am very proud of the group of men that I went with for having one of the best times in my life without engaging in any actions that would be in any sin category I’d be lying to you if I told you I got out of there scott-free…

See the problem for me was not my actions but my thoughts. I desperately love my wife. I’m infatuated with her. I’m committed to her. I’m passionately on fire for her. She’s my best friend and she’s the reason I live. She is the only woman I’d ever be with and ever want to be with. Because that is true, I really wish I could say I that I never notice other women but that wouldn’t be honest.

It was a weekend full of sun and pools, which meant lots of women in bikinis. Being married that meant a weekend of internal conflict. Yet I can truthfully tell you that any notice of another woman was a short and fleeting thought.

Why?

Because as a man I’ve finally come to realize some truths for myself about sexual temptation that are helping me be a better husband:

Continue Reading…

In Faith, Guest Blogging, Lust, Marriage, Purity, Sex
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The Marriage Mirror

May 29, 2012 — Leave a comment

Trisha, our boys and I are on vacation this week. We are excited for some time away as a family. We are honored today to have a guest post from Nicole Unice. Nicole is a counselor and author of She’s Got Issues, a book that helps women find freedom from ordinary issues that keep them from loving well. She works at Hope Church in Richmond, VA and loves her crazy life with husband Dave and their three kids. Connect with her on Twitter or Facebook. 

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I wore a crinoline to puff out my already-poufy white dress. I was all of twenty years old when I pranced down the aisle in my T-strap high heels to marry my college boyfriend. I loved the presents, the parties, the potential for our brand new life.

I marched down that aisle between family and friends and spoke vows to God because I believed in love. I believed that my good intentions were enough, and that just wanting to love well made me actually able to love well. I had no idea what I was doing; old enough to considered an adult, young enough to be a childish idiot.

And then life began. And it was a mixture of joy and of pain. We laughed and we loved, but somehow the hard seemed stronger than the easy. I hated when he told me what to do. He hated when I nagged him. I hated that he didn’t lead; he hated that I tried to control him. I yelled, he sulked. I slammed doors, he tuned me out.

I remember driving down the road one day, wondering what had become of my life. A country song came on the radio, singing “she married, when she was twenty/ she thought she was ready, now she’s not so sure” And I cried. I cried for what was and for what could have been. This was not what I expected. This couldn’t be love. And I remember thinking, “Is this what marriage is supposed to be?!?”

What I didn’t know then was that the answer was yes.

Marriage is supposed to be hard because life is hard. And life is hard because hard is the Miracle-Gro of the soul. On our wedding day, we stood face-to-face to speak promises to one another because this posture becomes a reflection for life. Our marriages create mirrors for our souls.

When I hated when he told me what to do, I came face-to-face with my pride. When I hated that he didn’t lead, I was introduced to my impatience and doubt. When I slammed doors, I saw the ugly face of my anger. The hard things in marriage made me see myself: prideful, insecure, anxious, selfish. The marriage mirror presented a choice. Will I take the hard and use it to grow, or will I turn my back and refuse to look again?

Too often I thought staring into his face was about me pointing out his weaknesses and faults. But I’ve learned that staring into his face is staring into my own struggles.

As my counseling supervisor used to say, “marriage isn’t broken. People are broken. If you help people get healthy, their marriage gets healthy.”

The marriage mirror helped me get healthy. It humbled me. It taught me that I certainly didn’t have it all together, so I couldn’t expect perfection from my husband. It taught me my own capacity for good and for evil, and for the necessity of boundaries around our lives.

Almost fifteen years of looking into that marriage mirror has showed me that love isn’t about a fantasy, it’s about hard work and sacrifice. It’s about vulnerability, courage, perseverance, and faith.

Marriage will lead you into the truth of yourself. It will open you up in a whole new way to your own need for grace and for a Savior, and for the strength to love beyond your own capacity. And the richness of that love and the life it brings is what makes the hard become the good.


 

In Guest Blogging, Marriage, Transformation
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The Most Intimidating Place to Lead

April 23, 2012 — Leave a comment

When Trisha and I separated in 2005 due to my affair, one of the first things I realized was how easy it was for me to lead a growing church and how intimidating it was for me to lead my family. Because being a spiritual leader at home was so intimidating, I just didn’t do it. At this point of my life, I had no church to lead and no people to pastor, but by God’s grace I received a second chance with my wife and kids. I was desperate to get it right and be the spiritual leader that God called me to be. But what did that look like?

What I’ve come to realize is a lot of great leaders struggle with this. Most guys, if we’re honest, aren’t leading our wives, our families or ourselves well spiritually. Here are some reasons why I think we struggle with being spiritual leaders outside of our role in ministry:

I have the honor of posting on the Catalyst Blog today. Continue Reading by clicking HERE: 

 

In Church, Guest Blogging, Leadership, Ministry
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I Thought Marriage Would Be…

February 16, 2012 — 2 Comments

Today’s post is from our friend Angela Hunter. We met Angela and her husband Scott last fall at the Lifeway Festival of Marriage Event. We instantly hit it off with them. Their story of redemption and restoration is a miracle. They lead a marriage ministry called Marriage On Fire. We are honored to have Angela share with us today.

You can “Like” them on Facebook:

You can check out their ministry web site: Marriage On Fire

We so grateful to have Scott and Angela as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.

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Almost seventeen years ago I said “I do” and I thought marriage would be easy. Scott and I had so much love and passion for each other from the very start, so what could be so difficult…right?

I don’t have a clue as to why I believed marriage would be easy. Perhaps because my parents, who will celebrate 45 years of marriage this July, made it look so effortless. Maybe it was my grandparents, who will celebrate 70 years, also this July. I am deeply grateful for the legacy established in my family of long and happy marriages but I’m pretty sure I thought marriage would be easy because I was just plain naïve. Scott and I loved each other so much, what could be so hard about that?

Insert REALITY somebody please! Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, about our marriage has been easy…

Scott and I are a blended family so when I married him, I gained a beautiful six year old daughter, Amanda. We knew absolutely nothing about blending a family. We closed on our house the week we got married. We knew nothing about budgeting or financial planning. We were married for only three months and I got pregnant with our daughter, Kailey. Twenty-three months after Kailey was born, God blessed us with another daughter, Courtney. When Scott and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary we realized that I had been pregnant exactly ½ of our marriage up until that point!

Between year 2 and 3 our marriage was the polar opposite of easy. We didn’t know how to communicate with each other anymore. We argued about everything. We were in debt. Resentment was building. Unbeknownst to me, Scott had an extramarital affair during this time. Easy was long gone…

Six years into our marriage we were tired of doing things our way. My skewed vision of “easy” translated to zero effort on my part in our marriage. We were tired of being selfish, prideful and unwilling to make changes. Scott gave his heart to Christ and committed to becoming the spiritual leader of our home. We had to dig deep, push our sleeves up, and become intentional about working toward a healthy marriage. God was leading the way but it wouldn’t be easy.

So, in the beginning I did think marriage would be easy, but the reality is that marriage is so much better than easy. Healthy marriages require hard work, sacrifice, discomfort, thought, reflection and two people totally sold out to Christ. That’s way better than easy in my book.

In Guest Blogging, Life, Marriage, Marriage Coaching
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I Thought Marriage Would Be…

February 15, 2012 — 1 Comment

Today’s post is from our friends Josh and Lindsey Hartz. Josh and Lindsey started out as blogging friends and have turned into real life friends. Josh and Lindsey live out the grace of God in their life and marriage and have an incredible story of restoration. We are honored to have them both share with us today.

You can follow Lindsey on Twitter
You can follow Josh on Twitter

You can check out Lindsey’s Blog

We so grateful to have Josh and Lindsey as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.
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“She Said…”

I thought marriage would be a fairy tale…complete with a handsome prince on a valiant white horse, rushing in to save me from the evils of this world.

Different circumstances throughout much of my childhood left me with a distinct vision of what “marriage” was…temporary, painful, distant, busy, disconnected.

So I read voraciously to escape, to find some beauty to cling to.  I especially loved the enchantingly depicted fantasies of distant lands, unimaginable riches, true love, and happy endings.  I wished on stars and prayed and hoped that one day my Prince Charming would come, that one day he would keep me safe and love me forever, no matter what.

My journey to marriage didn’t go so well.  When I started to show interests in boys, I always seemed to wind up with the “bad” apples.  Although my relationships were very few and far between, they’d always break my heart, break my confidence, and break my spirit.

Until one day, I met him….the “One.” I thought all my dreams had come true as one by one my requirements were met.  He was handsome, kind, and honorable.  He had a pickup truck instead of a horse, but he certainly took care of me, tried to protect me, and loved me even through my deepest struggles and sin.

But sadly, the moment I felt he failed me (real or imagined) my perfect vision of our relationship shattered, and all I could see was everything he wasn’t doing.  In fact, my high expectations of him and controlling nature were slowly draining the love from our marriage.  As the years went on, I found myself resorting to what I knew…pain, distance, busyness, and disconnection became the norm.  Temporary became more and more attractive.

Until one day, when the only true “One” stepped in to the mess we had made.  He opened our eyes, saved our marriage, saved our souls.

I finally realized that God had given me my Prince Charming all along.  We don’t live in a distant land and we certainly don’t have material riches…but we do have is true love, grounded on faith in our precious Father. Those riches far exceed anything this world (or my fairy tales) could ever offer

“He Said…”

I never dated the prom queen or really had that many dates.  I didn’t dream of a fancy wedding or what happily ever after looked like.  I wasn’t sure who the one was, but then she was there!  She was beautiful, shy, smart, and sassy, oh so sassy!  I knew she was the one and in my mind, I thought marriage was going to be blissful happiness, romance, and guaranteed sex!

What I wasn’t prepared for was life.  My fantasy didn’t take into the account that my wife had actual feelings and past hurts that needed to be handled with care.  She was a beautiful woman with real emotions (not the ones I had seen portrayed on the internet).  She needed to be wooed and won over.  Then she needed to be wooed and won over again and again.

When I didn’t see the romanticized marriage that my mind had concocted, I fled.  I turned to false gods such as work, exercise, and Internet fantasies because all that was easier than working hard to have a good marriage.  While work and exercise might not be bad unto themselves, where there is no balance and when the focus is solely on oneself it can lead to great distance and heartache.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my marriage needed something that I couldn’t provide by myself.  My marriage needed to be focused on God!  I needed to make my Redeemer the central focus of my heart and my actions.   I also didn’t realize how deeply my wife needed a protector.  I was pretty good at physically protecting her, but she needed to feel the deep protection that could only be felt through the Lord.

My wife’s beauty hasn’t faded.  She is still smart, and still just as sassy.  Our marriage has gone from blissful ignorance to near divorce and back by His grace alone.  The marriage we have now I wouldn’t trade for anything!  Oh and the sex…..well, I try to woo a lot more now!

 

In Guest Blogging, Love, Marriage, Marriage Coaching
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