Archives For Kids

Succeeding as a Pastor Failing as a Parent-Part 1

November 29, 2011 — 2 Comments

We are launching a series of posts today where I will be sharing how I at times in my life I was more successful in my career as a pastor than I was in my calling as a parent. Our prayer is that God will use my mistakes to help you grow as a parent.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on The Moments that Make Us. I shared with you that our son Micah recently found out that because Trisha and I chose for him to repeat 7th grade when we moved to Nashville, he was ineligible to play basketball this season as a freshman. His response to that news was simply amazing. He handled the whole situation with grace and class.

I met with the Micah’s coach and athletic director and asked if I could write a letter of appeal and ask that they reconsider their decision. They agreed to support our decision and come along side of us as we fought for Micah is this situation. I wrote the letter, sent it to the school and they sent the letter along to the state of Tennessee. Last Wednesday, we found out that Micah’s appeal was granted and he is eligible to play this season. The athletic director said to me, “I really admire your desire to fight for your son. I love the heart you have for him.”

Thinking through this whole situation, I was reminded of how much easier it is to fight for my son to play basketball, than it is to fight for him spiritually. Which brings me to the first mistake I wanted to share with you today.

1. I prayed for other peoples’ kids, but didn’t pray for my own kids.

There is a battle for going on every single minute of every single day. It is a spiritual battle. The Bible says that it isn’t against flesh and blood but against forces that we can’t see or touch; but are very real. There have been so many times as a parent that I have taken that battle for granted. I have not fought for my kids spiritually.

If someone at my church asked me to pray for their kids, I was all over it. But I failed so often to pray for my own kids. I would say the night time prayers that would accompany a bedtime story, but I rarely spent time laying hands on them and praying for them. I didn’t pray for their day. I didn’t pray for their decisions. I didn’t ask God to give them wisdom. I didn’t pray for protection. I didn’t pray for their future. I didn’t pray for them. Flat out.

It is so much easier for me to fight for my son to be eligible to play basketball than it is to fight for his heart spiritually.

Prayer changes things. It may sound churchy; it may sound hokey; it may sound weird. But when I pray for my kids, I am engaging in battle for them. I am allowing God to open my eyes to see them and the world they live in with fresh eyes.

Succeeding as a parent today may be as simple as spending some time fighting for your child’s heart through prayer.

What are your thoughts on praying for your kids?

In Family, Kids, Life, Parenting
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Succeeding As a Pastor but Failing as a Parent

November 28, 2011 — 2 Comments

I know that I’ve shared this story publicly before, but I don’t think I’ve shared it here on our blog.

When Trisha and I were separated in 2005, the boys came to the house in which I was staying for a weekend visit. Our boys were 9, 6 and 3 at the time. I began to explain to them that I wouldn’t be living with them for a while. One of them asked if we were going to get divorced. I said that I didn’t know. I then said, “What I want you to know is that I won’t be living with you for a few months, and I won’t be the pastor at Genesis anymore.” Our oldest son Micah freaked out. He said, “You have to be the pastor, I’m the pastor’s son. You have to be the pastor. I’m the pastor’s son. You have to be the pastor!” His voice was quivering and tears were pouring from his eyes.

When we share that story, a lot of people audibly say, “Awe.” The first reaction is his response was so sweet. What his response was to me as a father and a pastor was a wake up call to how much I had allowed my kids’ identity to be found, not in the person of Jesus, but rather in the church and in my job. He was more upset that I wouldn’t be the pastor anymore than he was that Trisha and I may get divorced. I had not only found my value in my position in ministry, I had taught my kids to do the same. By everyone’s standards I was a successful pastor, but in this moment I realized how I had failed as a parent.

When we travel and speak one of the questions we are asked a lot is how we are different now in ministry than we were six years ago. So this week, Trisha and I will be sharing with you 5 ways I succeeded as a pastor but failed as a parent.

We aren’t perfect and don’t have it all figured out, but by God’s grace we know our blind spots and talk about our mistakes. We say all the time here at RefineUs that God can’t heal parts of our life we refuse to bring to Him. Our family has found healing and redemption as we have brought all of our heart as parents to Him.

My prayer is that God will use my mistakes this week to help you as you love your kids well and love God more fully.

In Family, Kids, Life, Parenting
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Traditions

October 31, 2011 — 2 Comments

I’m a sucker for nostalgia. Trisha and I celebrate anniversaries of things that seem small and insignificant. We haven’t always been that way, but over the past 6 years we have learned to look for things to celebrate. We have done the same with traditions. What we have noticed in our life is that traditions don’t just happen, you have to create them. Since our separation, we have done our best to create traditions in our family that can be predictable and will create memories. One of our traditions is that we always go out for Mexican every Sunday after church. It is something that we have done literally for the past six years. One of the things I’ve learned is that traditions don’t have to be fancy or expensive to matter. The texture that traditions have added to our family has been awesome.

As a family, we’ve always participated in Halloween. I know there are a lot of arguments about Halloween among Christians; we don’t argue about it, we just go Trick or Treating. :) We only have a few years left of our kids dressing up and wanting to go door to door asking for candy. One of the traditions we’ve created is that we always go Trick or Treating with the kids, then we’ll come back to our house and eat White Chicken Chili. We usually sit around a fire pit and just hang out. It has become something that our kids look forward to. It has become something that we treasure.We’ve tried to create a memory around Halloween that goes far beyond just dressing up and asking for candy…it is about great conversation and time together.

Does your family have traditions? What is your favorite tradition?

 

In Family, Kids, Life
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Dream Releaser Not Dream Giver

September 6, 2011 — 34 Comments

A few weeks ago, our 12 year old son Elijah signed up to play football. I thought it was awesome and odd all at the same time. Awesome that he wanted to do that…but odd because he doesn’t love football. We started having a conversation about the commitment he was making and why he signed up and he made this comment, “I really want to play football because I know how much you want me to be athletic.” Immediately my heart sank. This quickly moved from a conversation about him playing football to me stinking as a father. I never want my kids to think that who they are isn’t good enough for me.

I spent a couple of days praying about what Elijah said. As I prayed about it, I felt like God spoke this to my heart: “Your job is to be a dream releaser for your sons, not a dream giver. I am the giver of dreams. I want you to release them.” Wow. That hit me like a freight train. It changed my whole perspective.

That night at dinner, Trisha and I explained to Elijah that we don’t care what he does, we just want to help him fulfill God’s dream for his life. Tears started to well up in his eyes and he began to talk about his passion for Africa and missions. He said, “I really want to raise $30,000 for Africa. I want to help kids that want to go on a mission trip that can’t afford to go. What if every single kid that wanted to serve on a mission trip could do so without worrying about money?”

I said, “Let’s go to breakfast on Saturday and you can share with me your plan and we can start working on next steps to make this dream a reality.” So on Saturday, we sat down and Elijah opened his journal. Here is what he showed me:



We are a long way from this dream becoming reality, but we are closer today than we were last week. One day I know Elijah will change the world. He has already changed mine.

God gives dreams. As parents, we are to help release those dreams so God can fulfill them.

Maybe your kid’s dream for their life is different than your dream for them. Don’t try to give them a dream…release the dream that God has already placed inside of them.

That is you at your best…and God at His.

In Faith, Family, Kids
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No Greater Honor

August 15, 2011 — 12 Comments

Yesterday at Cross Point Bellevue we celebrated baptisms. It was a powerful morning as men and women, boys and girls decided to go public with their commitment to Christ. It was such an honor to baptize each and every person. We offered people the opportunity to be baptized spontaneously. If they felt like God was prompting them to take this step of faith, they could come forward in that moment and be baptized.

Trisha felt prompted to ask our son Isaiah if he wanted to be baptized. He had been asking us for the past few months about being baptized and we were just waiting for the right time. Yesterday was the right time!

There is no greater honor as a parent than to baptize your child. Isaiah, mom and I are so proud of you and we can’t wait to see how God uses you to change the world! We love you.

In Faith, Kids
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Dear Daddy

August 8, 2011 — 20 Comments

Last Wednesday, Trisha and I had the opportunity to celebrate the life of a long time friend, Fred Timberman. At one point in the funeral ceremony, it was opened up for people to share anything they wanted to share about Fred’s life. The first person to speak was Fred’s adult daughter, Lisa. She read a letter she wrote to her father. The letter impacted me so much as a father, I wanted to share it with you.

 

For Fred Timberman

August 3, 2011

Dear Daddy—

Thank you for a lifetime of laughter.

Thank you for being the dad for whom the neighborhood kid would come ask mom if you could come out and play.

Thank you for the image of when we were playing Pictionary and we laughed so hard at your drawing of a cheerleader that we fell off the bed; and another of you clutching your heart when Becky & Brian gave you and Mom a baby rattle for Christmas to announce their pregnancy with your first grandchild. And not so long ago when we went to the park and Eli talked you into going down the slide. Thanks for playing lead singer in our Wii Band—Wave to the Octopus. I will forever cherish the memory of you prank calling Shelley pretending you were from a fashion magazine to razz her about her hip shoes.

Thank you for always spilling your pretend tea at our tea parties, and for saying such things as ālmonds, sālmon, and “wiliefold.” For starting every morning with “good morning breakfast clubbers, to do, to do.”

Thank you for your tender heart that never met an animal you did not love, and for loving us so deeply… sometimes in that order.

Thank you for making family first—for the millions of decisions, day in and out, year in and year out— for fifty years—where you put family above all else. And for your unconditional love; we never doubted for a moment that you were there for us—even when I tested you with my vegetarian ways.

Thank you for being living proof that success in life is not measured in titles or dollars, but in the friends and family who pour out of the woodwork to comfort you in your most difficult hours, and in the souls whose hearts break at the thought of not spending more time with you.

Thank you for being everything we could have asked for in a husband, brother, uncle, father, and papaw.

What immediately stood out to me was what she thanked her father for…She didn’t thank him for barbie dolls; swing sets; bicycles; her first car or her college education. She thanked him, not for the gifts he gave, but for the life he invested. I want to be the kind of father that my kids write a letter like this to me at my funeral.

What are your thoughts as you read the letter?

In Family, Grief, Kids, Life
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An Epic Road Trip

July 25, 2011 — 20 Comments

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On Tuesday of last week, Micah, our oldest son and I sat at TGI Friday’s for dinner. He and his team had just lost their final game of the AAU season at the National tournament in Orlando. He was pretty bummed. Trisha and Elijah were 1,100 miles away in Michigan at church camp. It was a camp that Micah had been to each year for the past 5 years.

In the middle of our conversation, Micah said, “Dad, I really wish I could be at camp tomorrow for my birthday. It would be so awesome to see my friends.” In that moment, all I could think of were the times I’ve said “No.”

  • No, we can’t afford it
  • No, we don’t have time
  • No, we can’t make it
  • No, I’m too busy
  • No, not right now
  • No, that won’t work with our schedule
  • No, you’re not old enough
  • No, I’m too tired

If I’m honest, I say, “No” a lot more than I say, “Yes” these days.

I said, “How bad do you wish that?” He said, “What do you mean?” I said, “If we got up at 2:00 AM, with everything packed in the car, we could drive straight through and get there for the worship service that starts at 7:00 PM.” He said, “You would do that?” I said, “It’s your birthday.” So we went back to the hotel, packed up the car and went to bed about 10:00 PM. I texted Trisha and told here were were getting up at 5:00 AM to head back to Nashville. (I know I write about sharing truth, but it’s okay to fib a little for surprises :) ).

We got up at 2:00, were on the road by 2:30 and our 1,121 mile road trip began. About 10 hours into the trip, Micah said to me, “This might be the craziest thing we have ever done.” I said, “We will be talking about this for the next 10 years. This is the most epic road trip ever!” About 2 hours later, the air conditioning in my car quit.

Just stopped working.

At rush hour.

In Cincinnati.

It was hot. It was miserable. We were so tired and so far into it at this point, there was no point in complaining.

We arrived at camp just as the first song of the worship set was ending. We went into the bathroom, changed our nasty, sweaty clothes and went into the auditorium for the remainder of the set. As Trisha walked off the stage, she made eye contact with Micah. She began to cry and he reached out his arms to hug her. It was an awesome surprise.

How many epic moments have I missed because of “NO”? How many times could I have made memories, but I stayed on the couch or behind the computer or at an “important” meeting? Why do I not say “Yes” more often?

It was a long drive. It was 19 hours in the car. But, it was 19 hours with my son. It was 19 hours that I will never get back, but will always have the memory of the most epic road trip, ever!

Maybe there are some memories in your life this week that are just waiting for you to say, “YES”.

In Faith, Family, Kids, Life, Travel
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5 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Became A Parent

June 27, 2011 — 5 Comments

Trisha and I got married the summer before my senior year in college. We were 20 and 21 years old, respectively. Four months after we got married, Trisha got pregnant. We didn’t know all that we didn’t know about parenting. As Micah, our oldest son prepares to go to high school, I’ve thought through some of the things I wish I would have known before I became a parent.

1. My Words Mean Less Than My Actions.

There is a part of all of us that know this. Somehow, as a parent, I believed the rules were different with my kids. I believed they would pay more attention to what I said and not what I did. It took our marital meltdown and separation to allow me to see how much I shape my kids with my attitude, my actions and my tone of voice….not just my words.

2. Time Goes Faster the Older My Kids Get

Obviously, this isn’t scientifically true, but it is parentally true. When my boys were younger they hung out with Trisha and I a lot. We went to the mall together; we went to ball games together; we went out to eat together. As they get older, they continue to do those things, but they do them with their friends and not us. The time we have together isn’t as much as when they were little. I wish I realized how fast time would go the older they get. It makes the next lesson even more important.

3. There is No Substitute for Dinner Together.

Trisha and I talk a lot about how upset she would get with me for being home late for dinner. Looking back now on 15 years of parenting, I am so glad she stood strong on this value. There is no substitute for eating dinner together. We try to do this at least 3-4 times per week. Conversation that would never happen, happens at dinner. We catch up. We tell stories. We are dialed in with each other.  There is no substitute.

4. My Kids Need Me to Lead Spiritually

So often when we talk about spiritual leadership, the thought is that we should impose our faith on our kids and make sure they go to church or read their Bible or listen to Christian music. Those things are important, but that isn’t leading spiritually. Leading spiritually is living out my faith in view of my kids. Allowing them to see my journey with God; what He is teaching me; how He is growing my faith; choosing what is right even when it is hard. As I allow God to lead me personally, that spills over into my marriage and parenting in a way that gives me credibility to lead my boys.

5. The Quality of My Marriage Impacts My Relationship with My Kids

The way that I treat Trisha directly affects the way that my boys treat her. When I am not investing in my marriage the way that I need to, it is easier for them to take their mom for granted and talk to her in disrespectful ways. They need to know she is a priority in my life.  I am not just raising boys; I am raising future husbands. What I do models for them what I believe a husband should do. I want to lead them to be great husbands by investing in my own marriage. It makes a huge difference.

I’d love for you to add to the list. What do you wish you knew before you became a parent? Share your wisdom with us!

In Family, Kids, Life
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I Remember Those Days

June 8, 2011 — 5 Comments

Last weekend I was rushing out of the house trying to get to a baseball game. It was an early game so a Starbucks run was a must. Isaiah had his uniform on and was sitting in the back seat of my car as we went through the drive-thru. The guy working at Starbucks was probably in his early 20′s and  super nice when he came to the window to hand me the drink.

As he leans down to give me the cup, he looks in my backseat and says, “Big game today?” I said, “Yea, big game. The tournament starts today.” He says, “Saturday baseball games with dad, I remember those days.”

In that moment, I realized…RIGHT NOW matters. In not too many years, today will be one of “those days” for Isaiah. I want to cherish these days as much as possible, because they aren’t guaranteed and they won’t last long.

This morning, I dropped Micah, our oldest son off at his new high school. Their basketball team leaves for team camp in Mississippi. I am 24 hours away from leaving for Africa and feeling sentimental as I prepare to leave. I got a little teary eyed on my way back to the house. How did time go so fast? How is he old enough for highschool? How are Trisha and I old enough for him to be in highschool? :)

This picture is from 10 years ago…Micah’s first basketball game ever. ” He was mad at me because I forgot his headband. His matching wristbands were not fully accessorized without the headband. He learned a valuable lesson from me in that the only thing that matters more than how well you play is how good you look when you play. :)

Today, this picture represents one of “those days.”

Today counts. Today matters as tomorrow is coming quickly. In a very short time, today will just be one of “those days.” I want each of my boys to have a bank of memories we’ve created together to look back on and smile and remember, “those days.”

 

What is your favorite childhood memory?

In Family, Kids, Life
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Own It

June 1, 2011 — 8 Comments

On Saturday, our son had a basketball tournament most of the day. Trisha was able to go to the first game of the day, but I couldn’t make it. I showed up for his afternoon game and it was tense from the very beginning. I’ve been banned from “offering suggestions” from the sidelines. Trish put the shut down on that years ago.

It wasn’t difficult for Micah to know how I felt about how he was playing. I didn’t have to say a word…my face said it all. After the game, I told myself that I wasn’t going to say anything. That commitment lasted about five minutes.

I launched into the speech I had been writing since the first half. I shared with him all the different ways that he could improve and all the things he could have done differently. My words cut to his heart. He shut down. We walked to the car. I continued with my pep talk. Finally, Micah looked up at me and said, “You know, it doesn’t matter how good I play, you are always critical.”

In that moment, I realized just how much I had hurt him. My heart began to sink. But in my mind, my pride defended my actions. I began to justify the words I had said and the advice I had offered. I was trying to make him a better player. I was destroying him as a person, but I was making him a better player.

He and Trisha left and went to a graduation party and I left and went home. As I drove home, the pain of my words rushed into my heart. I began to text him an apology…he wasn’t returning my texts…so I texted Trisha to convey how sorry I was.

When I got home, I read this verse, as I prepared to speak at church the next day:

Matthew 5:23-24: “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

What a hypocrite I am.

How many times have I tried to offer my worship to God, when I knew I had hurt someone? How many times have I offered God half-hearted worship because I haven’t owned the pain I’ve caused someone else?

I’m thankful Micah showed me grace and forgave me. I’m thankful God does as well.

Am I the only one that has trouble owning it?

In Conflict, Family, Kids, Life
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