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How to Improve Any Relationship

April 3, 2013 — 5 Comments

At any given time in my life, I have relationships that aren’t what I want them to be. I have relationships that aren’t what I thought they would be. I have relationships that are disappointing, dysfunctional and strained.

I long to have God improve a friendship or transform my marriage, or repair my relationship with a family member, or deepen my relationship with one of my sons, and my prayer most often is “God, please change them. God please change this relationship, help them to see their attitude, their choices, their behavior, their….”

God has taught me, often the hard way, that most of the relationships in my life are multi-angle mirrors that He uses to reveal the parts of my heart He wants to transform.

It is easy for me to project the changes I know I need to make in onto those that are closest to me. I begin to believe that the improvements in that relationship are solely dependent on their ability to change.

If they would be more loving; more forgiving; more consistent; more patient; would call me more often; more invested; more attentive; more anything then the relationship would be what I think it should be.

The gut level truth is that no relationship in my life will have lasting change until I am willing to change.

The same is true for every relationship in your life.

If you want God to change your relationship(s), you must be willing to allow God to change you first.

Maybe God is using the marriage you are in or the friendship you are struggling to deepen or the friction you are feeling with your parents, to change you, not them. Am I saying that they don’t have baggage or junk or wrongs that they are bringing into your relationship? No, I am not saying that.

I am saying you can’t change them. I am saying you will not be held accountable to God or anyone else for their choices, their behavior, their decisions. But so often we have our eyes so focused on what the other person could do to improve, we lose sight of our blind spots, our dysfunctions, our baggage and our attitudes.

Here is what I know today: if you make a decision to begin praying “God use this marriage or use this relationship to change me into the person you want me to be”, God will answer that prayer. Even if the person you are struggling with NEVER changes, your relationship with them will be better…because you will be better. You will be different. You will be more capable of loving them in the way God desires.

It is so difficult to lay aside your rights, what you are owed, what you deserve, what they need to give you and simply say “God, change me first.” But the long term, soul level change you are looking for and desiring in that relationship is only found as you find soul level change for your life, first, then the relationship will follow.

In Faith, Marriage, Relationships

An Overflow of the Heart

September 24, 2012 — Leave a comment

The words we say have power. They have power to breath life into a relationship. Words have power to build up a marriage. They have power to inspire a child. They have the power to shape a soul. Words have power to destroy as well. They can wound a heart; they can damage a marriage; they can create hurt that lasts for years.

Words can build up and words can tear down.

The words that we say to one another aren’t just a reflection of our behavior, they are a reflection of our heart. The words you say are in direct connection to the condition of your heart. There is no getting around it…sooner or later, your heart will overflow in the words you say and how you say them.

Jesus says it like this: A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart. Luke 6:45

As we start a new week, we have the opportunity to speak life into our relationships. We can restore a friendship with what we say. We can improve our marriage with the words we choose. We can redeem a broken relationship with a family member because we choose to allow the love of Christ to overflow into our words.

Here are five statements that will bring life to your relationships this week:

1. You matter to me.

Who in your life needs to hear you say, “You matter to me?” Your kids? A co-worker? Your spouse? Those four words could breath life into a relationship.

2. I forgive you.

There is nothing that hinders the growth of a relationship more than built up resentment. There is also nothing that restores intimacy more than grace that is given freely. Who do you need to forgive? Will you choose to do it this week?

3. I was wrong.

Maybe what keeping a relationship broken is your unwillingness to admit you are wrong. You are clinging to your rights. You justify your choice, and the relationship is damaged simply because you won’t admit a mistake.

4. Thank you.

Gratitude is an overflow of a heart that sees life as a gift. Entitlement and gratitude can’t live in the same heart. You can’t feel entitled to something and grateful for it at the same time. Who do you need to say thank you to in your life? Who have you taken for granted?

5. I believe in you.

There may not be four more powerful words than, “I believe in you.” Those words have the power to shape the future of someone in your life. Who desperately needs to hear from you that you believe in them?

So much of our relationship hurts and dysfunction revolve around what we say or don’t say. The great thing is you can control that. You can choose to say life giving words this week. The question is…will you?

In Love, Marriage, Relationships, Transformation

Counterfeit Intimacy

June 14, 2012 — 5 Comments

I (Justin) was never taught how to develop true intimacy, never realized the spiritual aspect of intimacy and never considered there could be any deeper level of intimacy than having sex. Almost from the beginning of our marriage, I fell into the trap of withholding parts of my heart from Trisha. It wasn’t always sin or struggles that I withheld…it was also fears that I was ashamed of, things I didn’t have figured out, issues that I thought would stress her out, financial struggles I knew would worry her, and dreams that I thought she would never understand.

Each time I chose not to share, I diminished the level of intimacy we were capable of experiencing in our marriage.

I wish we could have a do over in this area, and I could go back in time and share everything with her from the beginning. It would have saved us so much hurt.

When, as a guy, you are bankrupt in intimacy, you think sex is the answer.

So premarital sex, pornography, strip clubs, prostitutes, masturbation, affairs, online chat rooms, erotica fiction all carry a false sense of intimacy. Each of these things convinces you that the rush that you will feel, and the pleasure that you will enjoy will bring the satisfaction that you desire…but they never do. In fact, the very opposite is true.

Each of these false expressions of intimacy only leaves you wanting more.

I performed wedding after wedding telling couples that “The two will be united and be one flesh.” But I never considered the spiritual act of sex in our marriage. Because intimacy to me was just sex, I never took time to discover what my wife thought to be intimacy. I never thought what she needed most was all of me; which included my heart, my mind and my soul. What I needed most was all of her; which included her body and her desire to have sex. But because each of us had a jacked up view of intimacy, we were constantly working against each other in this area.

Because this area caused so much tension in our relationship, we basically avoided it.

We would go a week, two weeks sometimes a month without having sex. During that time we would drift relationally, which would feed the cycle that Trisha was in…and our lack of sex would feed my struggle with lust and pornography…which in turn would cause us to lose intimacy.

It was a vicious, destructive cycle.

When we separated, I had a choice to make. I could say the right things to get my wife to take me back, but never confront this intimacy issue and be back in the same place in a matter of time; or I could drag all of the sin and all of the dysfunction and all of the bad habits and all of the unmet expectations out into the open.

There was no guarantee that Trisha would choose me, but if she did, she would be choosing the real me and not a fake version of me.

Because she chose me, and she chose to allow herself to trust me again with her heart, I have made a decision to share my whole heart with my wife. The way that God has grown the intimacy we experience in our marriage is incredible. It isn’t easy to be vulnerable at times, but what we have as a result of intimacy, I wouldn’t trade for anything!

What has been your biggest misconception about intimacy?

In Intimacy, Marriage, Relationships, Sex

Lessons Learned From a Third Grade Basketball Game

June 13, 2012 — 10 Comments

Two weeks ago our youngest son Isaiah played in his second competitive travel basketball game. Isaiah is only nine years old but he is the size of twelve year old. So imagine how the players AND parents looked at him with a bit of fear as he took to the court.

He entered this game without a single practice and met his coach and teammates five minutes before the game started. As the whistle blew for the game to start Isaiah got to jump for the ball and executed the play perfectly. With his whole family including his brother’s girlfriend in tow he looked back at us in the stands with a gigantic smile.

Two minutes into the game his smile had now become frown of frustration. He became completely overwhelmed at the pace and the level of play taking place all around him. He couldn’t dribble the ball without traveling. He was falling down every time he went for a rebound. Justin and I looked at each other with absolute bewilderment that he was struggling so badly.

The game ended in defeat and we left giving as much encouragement we possibly could give. Justin told him that they could go to the gym and work on some of the skills he was struggling with over the next few days. Justin and I chalked it up to nerves and knew next week would be better.

Fast forward to this past Monday. Game two with his whole family in attendance. We were running late so I dropped Justin and the kids off at the gym and proceeded to park the car. As I entered the gym the game had already started and as I walked in I could see that there was a group of dads on the opposing team who were already grossly involved with the game and we were only two minutes in. I walked passed the bleacher coaches and then found my seat with my family.

The game was close from the beginning but we remained in the lead the whole game. Truly believing that nerves caused Isaiah to struggle last week we knew this week would be better. But it wasn’t and to make matters worse these bleacher coaching dads were all over him. One even yelled out “Travel! Ref are you blind? That boy travels every time”. Although his statement was true, Isaiah already knew it and felt defeated by it. He didn’t need a thirty something out of shape dad viciously living through his son’s THIRD GRADE basketball team to yell at him!

Okay… I digress

You know where this story is going. Towards the end of the game even though our team was winning Isaiah was coming unglued. He got so upset when the referee and the “bleacher dads” called him out for traveling that he SLAMMED the basketball to the floor sending the ball flying high into the air.

This is the part of the post I feel I should put up one of those warning labels:

Warning what you are about to read may be offensive.

Well not really but if you only knew what I was saying in my head and unfortunately some of what I was thinking did come out of my mouth. One of the dad’s starting screaming “Technical foul”. Isaiah started crying and I (being the proverbs 31 woman that I am) looked right at that dad and yelled screamed back “ARE YOU KIDDING ME???” He looked straight at me and yelled back “YES!!” Then we began to fistfight. Just kidding that didn’t happen but if given the opportunity…

I wish I could say it got better but this group of dad’s actually stood and watched our team play another team and when Isaiah traveled again they made fun of him. Then the fistfight began! Again I kid.

Here’s my point in sharing this story. The very reason I was frustrated with those dad’s was due to their over the top behavior for a THIRD GRADE basketball game. Not a middle school game, not a high school game but rather a game of nine-year-old’s still learning the fundamentals of basketball in a summer league. It went from good competitive fun to ugly mean spirited defeat even though we won.

As I began to let go of my pride I couldn’t help but think about how I sometimes treat my family and friends with the same crazy intensity as those dad’s. It was a gut check of how I often place too high of expectations on my relationship with others. How many times have I responded with my whistle even though I was never invited to be the referee. I am so focused on what I want the outcome to be that I’m willing to crush another person’s heart just to obtain it. I make what should be good and fun and turn it into ugly and mean spirited when in hindsight, the outcome I was so desperately fighting for was insignificant to the bigger picture of our relationship.

Who knew such truth could come from a third grade basketball game and the crazy dads that watch them?

If you had to pick from one to ten (with ten being the best) how would you rate yourself in this area of misguided expectations of your relationships?

In Faith, Life, Relationships

Watch Me

June 4, 2012 — 2 Comments

“Watch me. Watch me, dad!”

Last week, Trisha and I took the boys on a four day vacation to Florida.

Three boys in three different stages of life. Each with a desire to be seen.

Watch me ride these waves.

Watch me walk on my hands under water.

Watch me catch this jelly fish.

Watch me do a flip over the wave.

Watch how long I can hold my breath.

Watch me do a cannon ball.

Watch me.

They say the same thing at home that they said in Florida. But so often, even though I’m there, I’m not watching. I’m watching my phone or my computer or the TV.

I see them, but I’m not watching them.

It is easy for me to confuse seeing with watching. It is easy for me to confuse presents with presence. It is easy for me to confuse providing with abiding. It is easy for me to give tangible gifts: clothes, shoes, phones, lunch money, X-Box games…and withhold what they need the most…my presence.

One thing I’m watching these days is the clock. 1095 is the number I see today. Tomorrow it will be 1094…then 1093. It is the number of days I have until our oldest son graduates high school.

“Watch me, dad.”

Watch me drive.

Watch me date.

Watch me graduate.

Watch me go to college.

Watch me become an adult.

Presence is much more precious than presents. The truth about me is that I usually offer presents when I feel guilty that I haven’t given presence.

Our friendships, marriages, relationships with our kids all grow out of presence, not presents.

Watch.

Don’t just see your friend, watch them.

Don’t just see your wife, watch her.

Don’t just see your child, watch them.

Your presence is needed today much more than you realize.

In Family, Life, Relationships

A Love Story

May 23, 2012 — 4 Comments

On most Wednesday evenings you will find me (Trisha) at church leading a small group of high school girls for our student ministry. It’s an absolute privilege to serve along side some of the best youth pastors a parent could ask for. They’re not afraid to tackle the toughest and often uncomfortable and awkward topics our students are facing. As a mom of two teenage boys I thank God often for each of them!

Our student ministry is currently in a series entitled “YOLO”. You will find #Yolo often in social media and if your anything like me I had to ask one of my students to explain to me what YOLO means. We have used it to talk about living out the life God has called each of us to. Our students aren’t always willing to share their thoughts about certain topics but this past Wednesday we watched a video that had even our middle school boys dialed in and in tears.

This video ignited tender moments for many of our small groups as we unpacked what our eyes, heart and mind just watched. Who would have known that the story of a married couple would break open the sacred places of our students’ hearts that most of us as leaders had yet been given access to until that night.

Today, you have the opportunity to see beyond your past, your choices or your circumstances and experience the extraordinary presence of Christ that comes through deep unconditional love.

In Faith, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationships

The Masks We Wear

May 9, 2011 — 13 Comments

I greeted a friend of mine last night and asked him how he was doing. He said, “I’m not doing very well. I’m sorry I just can’t say everything is fine, because everything isn’t fine.” I told him that it was okay that he wasn’t doing fine and I was glad he was honest with me. Sometimes it is easier to mask how we are really doing. Sometimes the mask has to come off.

This conversation made me think about all the masks we wear. We wear masks at our job. We try to hide our imperfections. We pretend we don’t have problems at home. We pretend we are more confident in our position than we really are.

We wear masks with our friends. We mask the debt we’ve incurred to pay for a lifestyle we can’t afford. We mask our insecurities. We pretend to be closer to certain friends than we really are so that they can help us achieve our goals or ambitions.

We wear masks at church. We argue all the way to Sunday service and paint on a smile on our way in. We pretend to be more spiritual, more put together, more mature in our faith than we really are. We fear that if anyone knew the real us, they would think less of us…so we mask our brokenness.

We wear masks at home. We pretend things are okay in our marriage when there is distance. We say nothing is wrong when our feelings are truly hurt. We don’t necessarily lie to our spouse; we just shade part of the truth. We don’t feel comfortable being our true self with our spouse because we are afraid of judgment or ridicule.

The thing about masks is that they never bring us closer to who we were created to be. Masks always make shallow what God has intended to be deep. Friendships. Marriages. Families. Churches. Everything in our lives get cheated when we choose to be fake.

It takes courage to live with no masks. What would happen if we stopped apologizing for being honest with each other and started expecting and accepting authenticity? What if mask wearing were a thing of the past in your life?

How would your friendships be different?

How would your marriage be different?

How would your relationship with God be different?

Do you struggle with masking the real you in an area of your life?

In Authenticity, Character, Relationships

Recharge

April 13, 2011 — 2 Comments

Last week, through the gift of a very good friend, Trisha went to the Grand Caymans on a cruise. She had a blast! The ocean is her love language. She loves the ocean and finds relaxation there more than anywhere else. Did she miss me? Yea, I think. But she needed that time. She needed to recharge.

While she was away, life went on as usual for me. Actually, it was more intense than usual, as I came face to face with EVERYTHING Trisha does to make this place run. The boys showed me grace, as they realized very quickly that mom is gone; dad is trying to be mom; he will not succeed.

When Trisha got home on Thursday, I could see that she was rested. It was awesome. I knew that God had given her the rest that she desperately needed.

I needed rest too…but would have to find it in a different way. It had been a long week without her. I had two wedding rehearsals on Friday and two weddings I was performing on Saturday. So my weekend seemed void of the break I knew I needed. Then I had an idea.

On Saturday, Trisha and I met after my second wedding at our favorite restaurant, which is something that she really enjoys. Then we went to the movies, which is something I really enjoy. It was a great night.

Thinking back on the weekend, that night was important. I was running on empty. Life had been going at breakneck speed for a while for me. I couldn’t jump on a cruise ship or take a vacation. Because I was in tune with what drains me and what fills me up, we had a date night that allowed me to recharge and reconnect with Trish.

You need to recharge. You need to take a break. You need to find something that you enjoy and carve out time for it. It doesn’t have to be a big trip or a vacation. Find little ways to get away. You won’t drift into resting…you will have to choose it. All of your relationships will benefit from that choice.

What do you do to recharge and refresh in your own life?

In Life, Marriage, Relationships

In Honor of Valentine’s Week

February 14, 2011 — 1 Comment

There are some friendships that stand the test of time and circumstances. Trisha and I have been friends with Mike for almost 10 years. Mike lead worship for our student ministry years ago, and when we started Genesis Church in 2002, he would drive from Nashville to Indianapolis about every 3 months to lead worship for our little church-plant. God has intersected our journey in a number of different ways. When we started RefineUs, Mike was one of the very first people to support us. He emailed me and told me how much he believed in us; in our message and in the potential for what God could do.

Mike is a gifted photographer and a few weeks ago, I approached him about doing something for Valentine’s Week here on RefineUs. This won’t be practical for everyone, but if you are in Nashville, this could be a really cool date idea for you this week. Here is what we came up with:

RefineUs Valentine’s Week Special:

A perfect gift that is unique to each couple! A special portrait session with your loved one is a perfect gift to capture your love for each other.

Think of it like a date night captured by a professional photographer. We’ll schedule to visit a location that the both of you love(your home, park, zoo) or an activity that you both would love to do (sports game, bowling, spring festival) and I’ll be there to capture your moments together.

What’s included and the cost?
Cost: $150

Included:
•90 minute session to capture as many fun and casual photos as we can.
•Your favorite 10 Digital Negative Files & Permission to Make Print From Files
•Sessions are to be used by March 31st before the summer heat arrives.

Printed photos may also be ordered.

(Click on the thumbnails below to see full resolution picture)

You can find more information about Myrick Studios HERE:

(Neither RefineUs or Trisha or I have received compensation to publish this post. We just felt like this could be a really romantic thing to do on Valentine’s week and wanted to connect you to a really talented photographer, who loves our ministry.)

In Events, Love, Relationships

Transitions

December 20, 2010 — 27 Comments

On Thursday August 26, 2010, Trisha and I moved for the 13^th time. Just typing that makes me cringe. This move was a little different than most of our moves in that we only had 11 days notice. We still own our house in Indy and rent it out. Because of that, we rent here in Nashville. The owner of our previous house wanted to sell, and we couldn’t buy, so we had to move. We had three goals: find a nice neighborhood, in the same school district, for the same money.

God showed up big time. We were able to find a house that met our goals and has exceeded our expectations. We love this house. As Trisha says to me often, “We are never moving again.” We feel at home. But in this process, we have learned something that we wish we would have known 15 years ago.

Transitions are hard on marriages. Our marriage today is completely different than it was before the affair. We are totally different people. Our tone of voice is different; our reactions are different; our patience level is different; our ability to see past small mistakes has improved; we are just different people.

What we noticed is that this transition of moving (again) brought out old behavior patterns. This transition brought out old feelings and exposed some weak areas in our relationship that we had no clue existed.

Transitions change how you interact with God. Transitions change your behavior patterns. Transitions at times change your self-esteem. Transitions pull you out of your comfort zone. Transitions usually expose a part of your heart that needs attention.

Moving is just one example of a life-altering transition.

Your parents’ divorce
Going to college
Getting married
Having your first child
A new job
Moving
Losing a child/pregnancy
Getting a divorce
Having an additional child
Building a house
Reaching a stage where all of your kids are in school all day
Having a teenager
Watching your child graduate and go to college

Each of these transitions affect your relationship with God. Each of them affect your relationships with others. Each of them will affect your marriage.

Trisha and I were talking a few nights ago, as we have had multiple conversations about how to grow through transitions. She said that she wanted to do a blog series on Transitions and openly and honestly talk about how certain transitions have hurt our marriage because we weren’t prepared for it, or didn’t recognize it.

So the first week of January, we are going to launch a two-week blog series on Transitions. With the start of a new year, comes the opportunity to transition to become more of the person God has in mind. We hope this series will be a catalyst for that!

The first week we will be speaking into specific transitions we have gone through and what we have learned. The second week, we will have guests post their thoughts on transitions in their life and how they navigated those transitions.

As we prepare for that series would you help us by leaving a comment that answers this question:

What transition in your life has been the most difficult (on you; on your relationship with God or on your marriage)