Archives For Counseling

2 Mistakes Couples Make with Marriage Counseling

February 25, 2013 — 22 Comments

As I’ve transitioned over the past few months to a part time position at Cross Point and full time at RefineUs, we are spending a lot of time around married couples and marriage problems. Trish and I counsel a lot of couples and I refer a lot of couples to counseling. What we’ve noticed are two common and devastating mistakes we see couples making when it comes to marriage counseling. One of the mistakes we made for years. The other we were tempted to make.

1. Not going to marriage counseling is a huge mistake.

When people hear our story, the affair gets most of the attention. It is the bomb that drops. It punches people in the gut. But the affair wasn’t our biggest problem. It was the most damaging. But it was a symptom of much deeper issues in our marriage that we lived with for years.

In 2001, our marriage was in a dark place. I was struggling with depression over my job. Our middle son had all kinds of medical issues. We lived far away from family and a support system. Trish was stretched thin and stressed out. We were hurting. One night after a lengthly argument, Trish was crying and simply asked, “Justin, can we please go to counseling? We need help figuring this out. We can’t do this on our own.”

Counseling? What? Go to counseling and admit we don’t have it all together? I’m a pastor, I do counseling, I don’t go to counseling. And the rest is history.

There is no doubt I regret the affair. But I can’t help but wonder if I could have saved my wife, my family, my church and myself so much pain had I simply asked for help.

Going to counseling isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign of wisdom and humility. No matter how long we’ve been married, we don’t have all the answers. It can be marriage saving to have an outside perspective speak health into your heart and marriage.

2. Most couples that go to counseling stop going too soon. 

Over and over again I hear from couples that start counseling and go to one or two sessions and then they stop because “we’re good now.”

Years of arguments; total meltdowns over sexual intimacy or financial pressure or problems with in-laws are all solved in two 55 minute counseling sessions.

Most couples go to counseling just long enough to medicate their pain but stop just short of identifying their illness. When our goal in marriage becomes pain-avoidance we will short circuit the healing process God longs to bring to our hearts and marriage.

A minimum recommendation from my perspective is at least four sessions. There is very little healing that can take place with anything less than that. You might think, “I can’t afford four sessions of counseling.” Let me assure you, divorce is much more expensive than counseling…not just financially.

All counselors aren’t good counselors. Be wise as you look for a counselor. You don’t want to pick a counselor that will just tell you want you want to hear, but you want to find one that understands both you and your spouse and can speak life and hope into both of you.

It is worth the search. It is worth the commitment.

What is your opinion of marriage counseling? Good experience or bad experience?

 

In Counseling, Marriage
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When You Can’t Put the Pieces Back Together

September 10, 2012 — 4 Comments

Each week we receive emails from men and women that read our blog faithfully. They too had a vision for their marriage. They dreamed of happily ever after. Some have kids. Some have a house with a white picket fence. All of them had the desire for a life that is drastically different than what they are living. Their questions are similar:

“What do I do when my husband doesn’t come back?”

“How do I move forward when my wife won’t go to counseling?”

“It’s great for you that you were able to put the pieces back together, but that isn’t my story.”

First, we love that this is a community for all people. Single. Married. Unhappily married. Remarried. Single again. This is a community for all of us. Secondly, we know not all stories turn our like our story. Redemption rarely looks the same; but it’s always available.

Here are some suggestions for those that weren’t able to put the pieces back together, and have divorced.

1. Grieve

When your marriage comes to an end, it is very important to grive the loss of that marriage. Often we skip this step in healing because we associate grieving with weakness. But the end of a marriage is the death of a dream. It is okay to grieve it. In fact, in order for you to be healthy in all your relationships moving forward, you have to spend some time grieving the loss of that relationship.

2. Get Counseling

It is really important for you to find a counselor that will help you process your feelings and heal. Without this step, you will take a less than whole version of you into your next relationship/marriage. Unpacking what lead to your divorce helps set you up for the best possible relationship in the future. (Even if you are remarried, embracing these first two suggestions may be the best thing for your current marriage)

3. Live in Truth

A failed marriage doesn’t mean you are a failure. What causes us to be a failure is not learning from our mistakes. This is why grieving and counseling are so important. The truth of who you are and who you can be is not defined by your mistakes but by the God that redeems our mistakes.

4. Your Identity Isn’t Your Marital Status

God loves you single, divorced, remarried, separated. Your identity in Him isn’t dependent on your marital status. It will take a while, but as you begin to find your identity in Him, you will allow Him to use you, your story and your life.

Just because your marriage ended doesn’t mean your story has ended. God is still writing.

It is easy to tie a bow around our story and think the happy ending is only for those who have been restored. Restoration is for you. Redemption has less to do with your marriage as it does your heart.

In Counseling, Divorce, Redemption
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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

May 22, 2012 — 1 Comment

Over the past couple of years, Starbucks has become a place where I often meet with women to talk about the hard things in life.  I remember one morning sitting with a friend, both of us cupping our coffee as if it was a microphone and she began to share her story with me. Her tears fell fast and her emotions poured out through her words even faster. She went on to explain that she had read all the marriage books and blogs she could find. She was attending church more than ever. But even after doing everything she knew to do she still felt far from God and even further in her relationship with her husband.

I remember her asking me, “What’s next? What am I missing? How were you and Justin able to make your relationship work after years of living in a dysfunctional marriage?”

I knew my response was going to sound “churchy” but in my heart and mind I knew there was nothing churchy about what I wanted to say.  I was eager to tell her the lifesaving wisdom someone shared with me when I was drowning in hopelessness, exhaustion and despair.

I replied, “I would not be married today if I hadn’t sought wise counsel.” I could tell by the look on her face that she was a bit disappointed at such a vague response. But I went on to explain the power that very sentence had in not only restoring my marriage but also continues to shape me into the person I am today.

Seeking wise counsel played out in three distinct ways for me.

1. I was seeking wise counsel by reading the bible in a translation I could understand.

2. I was seeking wise counsel from other women and couples that had gone through similar situations and found hope and restoration.

3. I was seeking wise counsel from a professional counselor.

I know your thinking that IS a “churchy” response and I couldn’t agree more. What may sound like the typical response to the average person becomes healing balm to a desperate and wounded soul. There are times in life where you will choose all the right things you know to do and when that list comes up short you will be tempted to quit.

When I begged Justin to go to counseling early on in our marriage and he refused I just gave up. I leaned on my own understanding and not the wise counsel of others. I choose to stay hidden along with Justin and as he buried his sin I started to create sin of my own. I convinced myself that counseling would only be affective if Justin and I BOTH went to together so when he refused to go so did I.

Proverbs 19:20-21 (NLT)

20 Get all the advice and instruction you can,
so you will be wise the rest of your life.

21 You can make many plans,
but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.

I am often asked what should you do if your spouse refuses to go to counseling. My response to them and to you today is GO ANYWAY! All throughout scripture God leads His people to seek wise counsel. Even Jesus being fully God and fully man sought wise counsel from his heavenly Father in his time of desperation and heartache. Counseling wasn’t invented by Western culture nor is it set aside for only certain people to receive it. God calls us all to “Get all the advice and instruction you can” because he knew we would need it. We weren’t meant to figure out life on our own.

I do have a word of caution… Just because someone is a counselor it doesn’t mean they’re a good one. But please don’t let that be an excuse. If it takes you five tries, keep trying. I’m not saying you should find a counselor that will tell you what you want to hear but rather someone who understands and is able to lead you to a place of health. I know there ARE some amazing counselors out there because we had one! The bible doesn’t say seeking wise counsel would be easy or fun. In fact it will most-likely cause you pain. But it will be a redemptive pain rather than destructive pain.

Seeking wise counsel helps guide our pain into redemptive pain where God makes beauty from ashes.

 

 

In Authenticity, Counseling, Marriage, Restoration
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You Can’t Afford Not To

May 21, 2012 — 4 Comments

Most of the time it is assumed that the biggest regret I have in our marriage is my choice to have an affair. The hurt was visible. The devastation was widespread. It must be my biggest regret. There is no doubt that I regret that choice every single day.

But the single worst mistake that I’ve made in our marriage is refusing to go to counseling. It is my biggest regret.

Years before the affair, Trisha asked me to go to counseling. She could tell that we were well beyond our experience and well beyond our ability to fix us. She asked, and I refused. I came up with every excuse there is: we don’t have time; we will get through it; I can make the changes I need to make; I’m a pastor, I don’t go to counseling, I give counsel. 

My biggest excuse: We can’t afford counseling. 

Every poor choice; every single mistake; every hidden sin-including the affair, was a consequence of my refusal to go to counseling. Would counseling have magically fixed our marriage? No. But my pride prevented our marriage from the healing that was possible.

Not going to counseling was like dying of cancer simply because I refused to go to the doctor.

RefineUs is a place where everyone can come as they are. This is a place where we acknowledge that everyone is broken and everyone needs healing. This is a place of grace and second chances. This is also a place where we speak the truth in love, knowing that it is only Truth that has the power to transform our hearts. I feel compeled to speak truth in love today.

I think every married couple should consider counseling. It is so helpful. But if your marriage is in trouble or you are contemplating divorce or separation, you can’t afford not to go to counseling.

The average divorce in the United States costs $15,000. Fifteen thousand. You could spend one hour a week in counseling for the next 3 years before you amassed that total. If you have kids, you can’t calculate the cost to them. Divorce, in every way, is much more expensive than counseling.

Should all marriages stay together? No. Can all marriages stay together? No. I know there are many marriages that end even though one spouse deeply desires to make it work.

But so many marriages end way too early and way too easily.

Your marriage is the most important human relationship you have. All other relationships flow out of the health or the dysfunction of your marriage. It is worth the fight!

When we don’t allow wisdom and truth into our life, we become a product of our own will and our own wisdom. For most of us, our own will and wisdom won’t bring about change. All of us need help.

My opinion on counseling: You can’t afford not to.

What is your opinion?

In Authenticity, Counseling, Divorce, Marriage, Truth
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Five Things You Must Do When Your Spouse Has Had An Affair (Repost)

June 18, 2010 — 19 Comments

{ We are reposting this series of posts today and tomorrow as a resource for you to pass on to those you know who are in this situation. We’d be honored if you would retweet and post this on Facebook to share this message with as many hurting people as possible. }

The pressure of writing this post is a bit overwhelming and my heart is heavy. Sigh… not because I think I have all the answers but simply the reality of the broken person who will search for this resource. Remembering that surreal and painful moment of hearing “I’m having an affair.” And now knowing that I may be speaking into your “moment” causes me to stop and pray hard that I don’t mess this up.

As I (Trisha), write I am reminded that this isn’t about what I’ve done. This post is all about what Christ did for me in my “moment” and how He continues to restore and bring HOPE in what was a very hopeless situation! This post is for YOU the hurting and broken spouse whose world is being turned upside down. I pray my words are encouraging and hope filled as you begin your journey of healing.

1. Grieve!
The Grieving process is a gift from God. As Christians we often feel guilty for being angry, sad or depressed. Knowing your spouse has had an affair is like being told they have died. All that you have thought to be true about your marriage and your spouse is now dead. It is OK to be angry! It is OK to feel depressed! It is OK to feel confused! It is OK to feel hopeless. Just because you feel these emotions it doesn’t change who God is and the love he has for you.

Grieving is the start to the restoration process and maybe not for your marriage but for you as a person and child of God. While it can be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief it is essential to grieve and understand that with grieving comes healing!

2. Get Help! You Need Community.
When Justin said “I’m having an affair” it seemed that all my community disappeared. The affair was with my best friend and staff member of our church. The two people I should be able to turn to in a crisis were no longer there. It was SO LONELY. I was confused, tired, disoriented and in desperate need of help. The Lord brought an amazing group of women who despite hurting themselves loved me, embraced me and helped me SURVIVE the next few days and weeks.

I don’t know who this is for you. Pray that God would bring people to mind and trust those people to help you. I know it’s hard. Here I lost the two people closest to me and now had to trust others? Community may not be easy but IT’S A MUST. You need community for the sake of your family, your mental health and for a covering of prayer.

3. Create Boundaries / Create a Plan
I often say that just like with parenting there are general principles we can apply when parenting our children but if you’re a parent you know that each child is different. The same is true for your marriage. Although there are general steps you can take for your marriage, each marriage is different and your boundaries and plan will look different from mine.

Justin was NOT broken at the beginning of his confession! He was cold and made it very clear he was not in love with me and was not coming home. This was MY reality and I needed to create healthy boundaries. I kicked him out of our house. I created a new checking account and took the majority of our money. I had someone help me understand our finances because Justin did everything. I had a couple that helped me connect with Justin to take our boys since I wasn’t speaking to him. The list goes on and on. But with a plan and clear boundaries it gave my boys and I stability when my life was falling apart and time and space to begin to heal.

4. Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
Let me first say that just because someone is a counselor that doesn’t mean they are good at what they do! Justin and I were so blessed by two amazing counselors Kathy (JD’s counselor) and Dan our marriage counselor. I don’t care if it takes you 5 tries to find a counselor your comfortable with YOU NEED TO GO.

Dan helped me navigate my emotions of the hurtful details Justin would share with me. He gave me tools to know how to grieve in a way that is healthy. He taught me that it was ok to “go after Justin” in sessions and demand the truth. He helped me to see my own junk and brokenness instead of hiding behind Justin’s. He allowed me to be angry but helped me not to become bitter. Each session we had to trust and choose to take ownership and action to step into that path of healing he was helping to provide.

5. Identity Thief / Finding Who You Are
It’s emotional to write this one. Who am I? What do I do from here? What will my family and friends say or do? What will my work do? Will I find a job to support my family? Am I really a single parent now? What if he marries her? How do I tell my kids? How do I walk my kids into school knowing half of our congregation will be there? God why? God what do I do? I worked so hard. I sacrificed so much just for this?

I no longer knew who I was. I hadn’t realized how I used so many other titles such as pastor’s wife, mom and friend to find my identity. The loss of so much brought me to my knees. Yet it allowed me to see that the only identity that matters is who I am in Christ. A loved daughter of the king and in time Jesus would teach me that this is enough.

In Adultry, Affair, Counseling, Crisis, Grief, Marriage, Refine Our Marriage, Restoration
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