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If You’re Tired of Hiding

April 27, 2011 — 3 Comments

I came to a crossroads almost six years ago that changed every aspect of my life and marriage. It was a decision to come out of hiding. The secret I had kept of my struggle with pornography had robbed me of so much in my life and marriage.

Over the past few weeks, I have met with and talked to several (more than 10) guys that have come to the same cross roads. They want something different in their relationship with God. They want something different for themselves. They want something different in their marriage. They are tired of hiding.

Pornography doesn’t kill you all at once…it kills you a little at a time. It doesn’t suffocate your marriage all at once…it suffocates it a little at a time. Over time you begin to ask yourself questions like:

Why are my wife and I so distant?
Why are we not connecting?
Why do we fight about so many little things?
Why is our sex life not what either of us want or desire?
Why are we always on each other’s nerves?
Why do we not have a spiritual aspect to our marriage?

Pornography promises feelings of intimacy, then never delivers. Pornography causes you to give your mind and heart to something that God has designed for only your spouse to receive. Pornography is an intimacy assassin.

Based on my own journey and the journey of so many other people I’ve talked with, there are a few things you can do today to begin to find freedom from pornography:

Start Telling Yourself the Truth: If you struggle with porn, you have told yourself more than once, “I’m never doing that again.” “That was the last time I’m doing that.” When you tell yourself that you are going to quit and then you don’t, you have an addiction. Be honest with yourself. That is the first step to freedom.
Tell Someone Else: There is power in the bringing light into dark places. For most guys, and for myself, the power of shame and secrets had gripped my heart and I didn’t want anyone to know the truth about me. In fact, I had convinced myself that if anyone knew the truth about me, I would be judged and labeled for the rest of my life. In order to break the power this has on your heart, you have to tell someone.
Tell Your Spouse the Truth: At some point, there has to be a time when you tell your spouse the truth. This is so difficult, but essential. Intimacy in a marriage can only be as deep as the level of truth that is shared. Why a lot of marriages struggle in the area of intimacy is because of this struggle. It will be a very difficult conversation…but what you are keeping from your spouse is slowly causing your marriage to drift.
Find a counselor. If you are committed to telling yourself the truth, and telling your spouse the truth, you will need some help in walking in freedom. Counseling helped me find healing and wholeness for parts of my heart that I didn’t even know were broke. You and your spouse will need this.

I know not everyone reading this post today struggles with pornography. I also know that there are people reading this post that are hiding their struggle with pornography.

Freedom is possible.

I hope you choose it today.

In Authenticity, Pornography, Truth

Repost Friday: 8 Things that Restored Our Marriage Part 4

April 22, 2011 — Leave a comment

The X Factor – “An unknown or hard-to-define influence; a factor with unknown or unforeseeable consequences.”

I would venture to say that the “X Factor” could easily be changed to the “seX Factor” in most marriages today. Sex seems to be the “unknown or hard-to-define influence” in our marital relationships. I have had several conversations with women, regardless if they have been married 2 or 20 years, and most question the role sexual intimacy should play in their marriage. We know that men think about sex every 7 seconds, but do we really know why? Women (especially those who grew-up in the church) were taught not to talk about sex or have sex because God said so…end of story. Women hear of men struggling with pornography, lust, masturbation and affairs but most of us are ill equipped to know how to respond and so….

We chalk it up as the “X Factor” in our marriage and that we as women will never fully understand our husband’s sexual desires. We feel confused and ashamed and don’t know why we hate, resent or avoid sex. Worse yet, we do know why and the haunting memories of a bad sexual relationship in our past is too painful to get over. If you’re a guy reading this your probably shouting “you go girl, tell my wife sex is good”. If your a woman your probably saying “umm… duh? This is exactly how I feel so what?” One of the most profound principles we have discovered in our move away from destruction is:

Restoration Principle #4: Sexual intimacy, mutually offered, unleashes God’s full desire for your marriage.

Because Justin and I were not virgins coming into our marriage we thought we could somehow redeem our relationship if WE didn’t have sex before our wedding. I can honestly say we did refrain, but it didn’t fix or create a healthy road for sexual intimacy in future years. We were married for 4 months and I got pregnant. Not only was the area of sex new to me in my relationship with Justin, but being pregnant seemed to complicate things at a whole new level. During the first 10 years of our marriage, I found myself camped in the “I don’t really get you and your sex drive” and/or “you made me mad today so no sex for you”. The pattern went something like this… Justin would want to have sex… I wouldn’t… sometimes I gave in… most times I didn’t. If the baby was asleep, laundry done and the moon was aligned with Jupiter I would even offer it to him first.

Until the affair, I didn’t understand how God created both Justin and me for sexual intimacy. I assumed if he was wanting to go there after I spent the day “giving” to kids, laundry, friends and regular life events then he was just plain SELFISH! At some point in our relationship I permanently camped out in this mindset and found that not only did I not understand sex, I didn’t really care to.

Facts about the seX Factor: When a boy starts puberty his body will create sperm that will transfer to storage sacks that when are at capacity will naturally release from the body. I share this piece of information because this is an innocent process of change. There is no baggage or agenda, just a simple fact of nature. But somehow, what is natural and how God intended has become grossly misunderstood. And many of us have been left confused as to how to respond in our marriage relationship. This was a HUGE hurdle for Justin and I to jump over to really have the sexual intimacy God wanted for us. Men have a true PHYSICAL need for intimacy.

After Justin and I separated, not only was I leery of being friends with him, I was petrified of becoming lovers. I leaned on my old understanding of what I thought sex was while trying deal with the hurt Justin had caused. In the weeks that followed, God totally shattered those old thoughts and gave me a new view of sex. I love the way the Message paraphrases this scripture:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (The Message) “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

I learned that Justin wasn’t being selfish but had a true physical AND spiritual need that God would use to bring us close in a way that only this type of intimacy could. Justin also learned how my need for intimacy came through the expression of his words and his actions. Grace is freely given but trust is earned! As Justin slowly earned back my trust and I felt that he was repentant and willing to do whatever it took to grow in this area then, and ONLY then, could this journey move forward. We have learned to be on this journey TOGETHER and fight for it to no longer be the X Factor in our marriage but the catalyst for growth and development as a couple. Not only is Justin my best friend, he is my lover.

Our experience in moving from destruction to restoration has come from understanding and embracing this principle. Sexual intimacy is God’s gift to us as husband and wife to protect, satisfy and guard our relationship.

In 8 Things, Marriage, Sex

It’s Easy to Drift

April 20, 2011 — 9 Comments

Most people don’t get married so they can be unhappy. Most people don’t stand in front of a church full of people and pledge their love for each other thinking they will be standing in a courtroom dividing their property and arguing over custody of their kids.

Most marriages just drift to these places. Most drift to mediocrity. It’s not something we intend to happen…it’s just something that we allow to happen. After a while our marriage is the way it is and we settle for it.

As Trisha and I have evaluated our own relationship and talked with several other married couples, there are some things that signal a marriage that is drifting:

You can’t remember when you last went on a date together
Most of your communication is over email or text message
The time you have together in the evening is spent watching TV
All of your conversations center around finances, kids or schedules
Your sex life has no passion or drive and no desire to restore passion
You feel more excited to see someone at work than you do your spouse
Your kid sleeps in the bed with you more than 1 night a week and you don’t think that is a problem
You don’t hold hands spontaneously or kiss each other any more
There is no spiritual aspect to your relationship
You don’t laugh or joke around any more

As we have said before…great marriages don’t happen. Great marriages are a choice. The great thing is that today could be the day you choose to stop drifting. Today could be the day you turn it around. It won’t be easy. It won’t be instant…but nothing worth having is easy or instant. It will be worth it.

What do you do to prevent a drift in your marriage?

In Life, Marriage

Drywall, Mulch and Flowers… Knowing My Heart

April 19, 2011 — 4 Comments

Everywhere you look in Nashville Tennessee it’s apparent that spring is in the air. Amongst the hills are beautiful colors of purple, white and pink blanketing the trees. It’s this time of the year where I’m reminded of how creative God is and my love for His creation.

Our family moved to the house we are currently in the first week of September. Fall had settled in and winter was quickly approaching. The front of our house had a landscape filled with dead bushes and trees. It was begging for me to give it some tender loving care but the weather and our finances wouldn’t allow it.

It is now eight months later and as I eagerly wait to annoy my family with “Look how beautiful that tree is” spring has finally come. With a budget in place and the warm sun on my face I went to work on my blank canvas. I was like a kid in a candy store. As the hours passed my family would come out from time to time smiling and lending encouraging words like “great job” or “that’s pretty.”

By the time I finished I had planted 20 plants. My landscape was complete… well kinda. I had spent my budget all on plants and ran out of money for mulch! Justin came out to see my masterpiece and he could tell it was hard for me to enjoy the picture knowing that something was missing. So I gently asked, “when can I get mulch” He said “next paycheck.” The sigh that came from my mouth was like a kid who had just struck out for the third time. It makes me giggle thinking about what a five-year-old I was that day.

I spent this past weekend in Little Rock Arkansas with my fourteen-year-old’s AAU basketball team. Away from home, my calendar, my yard and other projects that needed my attention lost in the world of basketball. I even forgot that my birthday was just around the corner.

So after four games and twelve hours in the car we finally arrived home. As I stepped out of the van I noticed that our big beautiful oak tree looked so pretty. Then I noticed that not only my trees looked pretty but my landscaping did too! Justin had surprised me with mulch!

What is so cool is that not only did he surprise me with mulch but with drywall! When we first moved in we were able to hang the TV but didn’t have an outlet that would let us hide its wires. Family and friends would jokingly take shots at our hanging wirers and I’m not going to lie- it looked goofy. But like all things, goofy became normal and we quickly forgot they were there.

But thanks to our dear friend Blake Bergstrom (who only assisted) Justin in the handling of cutting out drywall and putting in a brand new electrical outlet My living room looks awesome and now I “have” to paint, which I love to do!

But even sweeter than the beauty of my landscaping and the now normal looking wall is that Justin knows my heart. He doesn’t care what or if there are any bushes in our yard. He doesn’t care that a hundred wires are hanging from our TV. But he does know how much these projects would mean to me. My love language is acts of services and not only did he speak my language he did it in an intimate way.

Intimacy is being fully known and Sunday I felt just that.

Is there a way, large or small that you could speak your spouse’s love language this week?

In Intimacy, Life, Marriage

Recharge

April 13, 2011 — 2 Comments

Last week, through the gift of a very good friend, Trisha went to the Grand Caymans on a cruise. She had a blast! The ocean is her love language. She loves the ocean and finds relaxation there more than anywhere else. Did she miss me? Yea, I think. But she needed that time. She needed to recharge.

While she was away, life went on as usual for me. Actually, it was more intense than usual, as I came face to face with EVERYTHING Trisha does to make this place run. The boys showed me grace, as they realized very quickly that mom is gone; dad is trying to be mom; he will not succeed.

When Trisha got home on Thursday, I could see that she was rested. It was awesome. I knew that God had given her the rest that she desperately needed.

I needed rest too…but would have to find it in a different way. It had been a long week without her. I had two wedding rehearsals on Friday and two weddings I was performing on Saturday. So my weekend seemed void of the break I knew I needed. Then I had an idea.

On Saturday, Trisha and I met after my second wedding at our favorite restaurant, which is something that she really enjoys. Then we went to the movies, which is something I really enjoy. It was a great night.

Thinking back on the weekend, that night was important. I was running on empty. Life had been going at breakneck speed for a while for me. I couldn’t jump on a cruise ship or take a vacation. Because I was in tune with what drains me and what fills me up, we had a date night that allowed me to recharge and reconnect with Trish.

You need to recharge. You need to take a break. You need to find something that you enjoy and carve out time for it. It doesn’t have to be a big trip or a vacation. Find little ways to get away. You won’t drift into resting…you will have to choose it. All of your relationships will benefit from that choice.

What do you do to recharge and refresh in your own life?

In Life, Marriage, Relationships

Repost Friday: 8 Things that Restored Our Marriage Part 3

April 8, 2011 — 7 Comments

I am pretty sure that this post is going to tick some people off. I am confident that there will be some people that read this next principle and think that I am being legalistic; that I am going to extremes and that I am not in touch with culture. Some of you will read this post and you will say that I just became irrelevant to the world in which we live. Some of you will think…“He isn’t as strong as me, he isn’t as wise as me, he isn’t as _____________ as me. He doesn’t get me.” As tempting as those thoughts are, I hope that you take some time to really think through this principle and how it might play out in your life, because we both believe to take a step away from destruction and toward restoration, this principle is essential.

When Trisha and I were separated, I began to go to counseling and a few weeks later, Trisha joined me. One of the first assignments I was asked to consider and engage in by our counselor was to fast from TV for the duration of our separation. I was confident we could have things put back together in a week or two, so fasting from TV didn’t seem like a big deal. As we have mentioned before, we were separated for two months and God showed up, and used that time to awaken some things in my heart that I had failed to recognize and deal with.

Restoration Principle #3: Without a sold out commitment to purity of heart, our marriages will naturally drift toward destruction.

Philippians 4:8 says “ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

The truth about me is that I struggled with sexual sins. Those weren’t the only sins that I struggled with, but those were the ones that ultimately destroyed my marriage. Here is what’s wild: I taught this passage on Sunday morning. I quoted this passage to guys I met with that had pornography addictions. I often shared this verse with friends I played basketball with that couldn’t stop cussing. I knew this passage…but didn’t apply it. Well, I guess I applied it to the point that it felt comfortable…but not when it conflicted with CSI Miami, or Grey’s Anatomy, or The Practice. I never quoted it when I was trying to talk Trisha into watching a rated “R” movie that “only has one sex scene that we can fast forward through.” I never broke out this verse as I was walking into the movie theater to watch Wedding Crashers. I knew this verse was truth, but didn’t take seriously the downside of not applying it to my life.

During the time that I fasted from TV, God really broke my heart with this verse. I spent so much more time in His word than I had probably ever spent, and came to terms with the fact that I was a hypocrite when it came to Philippians 4:8. He showed me how compromise and justification had become second nature. Once I admitted to the struggles I had with pornography and lust, I began to see how some of the things I was filling my mind with were being used by the Enemy to point me and even our family in that direction. I had blown it off and thought I was above it, and honestly, judged people in my church that didn’t watch the shows that I watched or went to the movies that I went to…”they must not be as strong in their faith as I am.”

Wherever sin lives, intimacy dies. That is true in your relationship with God, and it is true in your marriage. But the good news is that wherever intimacy lives, sin dies. I don’t know what this looks like for you…really that is between you and God. But for us, we watch very little network TV. We attend very few movies these days. I guess that is a price that we have chosen to pay…but the payoff is huge. We have shared this principle with couples, and they say… “So, no Office? No How I Met Your Mother? No Grey’s Anatomy?” No…not for us. We feel like being sold out to purity in our thoughts, in our hearts, in our marriage and in our family means saying no to things we know violates this principle.

A few months ago, my 12 year old son had some friends over. They were going to play X-Box 360 for a while then they wanted me to take them to the movies. They started talking about different movies to see, what movies some of them had seen and what was good and what wasn’t. I just began praying that God would give me the wisdom I needed to help my son navigate the situation. Here is the cool part…we have talked so much about this principle of purity and how to protect our hearts…I didn’t have to say anything. My son went to the computer, went to the PluggedIn web site and reviewed all of the movies that were playing. He then told his friends the two or three movies that he would feel comfortable attending…end of discussion. I know it won’t always be that easy…but that is just one instance of “whatever is pure, whatever is holy, whatever is right” paying off in a big, big way.

Maybe there is some unidentified destruction in your heart and marriage because of a lack of purity? I have been there. It is so hard to admit…even harder to deal with and not justify. What would your marriage look like if you really took Philippians 4:8 seriously? How could intimacy grow as sin was put to death in your life and in your marriage? This post won’t win any popularity contests…but it has been and continues to be one of the most essential steps in our move from destruction to restoration.

In 8 Things, Marriage

Dirty Girls Come Clean

April 7, 2011 — 20 Comments

There are people who you admire for their courage to be real. Then there are people whose courage inspires you to be real. Crystal Renaud is both. I admire her and I am inspired by her.

In her new book Dirty Girls Come Clean, Crystal courageously shares her story of pornography addiction, brokenness and recovery. She shares stories of authenticity and redemption from others as well. Her new book is a fresh voice into an area that has long been ignored and overlooked by the Church.

Her heart goes beyond a book. I admire her for her book, but her decision to quit her full time job at the church she had worked at for 7 years to start Dirty Girls Ministries is an inspiration. She has a heart to see women find healing and freedom from sexual addiction and she is trusting God in amazing ways to see that vision become a reality. She desires to not just write a book, but ignite a movement. We have an opportunity to partner with her in what God is doing through her book and ministry.

To celebrate the launch of her new book, we are going to be giving away 2 copies of Dirty Girls Come Clean. Here is how you enter to win:

1. Leave a comment below sharing the person (living or dead) that inspires you the most.
2. Tweet or Facebook this: Win a copy of @crystalrenaud ‘s new book Dirty Girls Come Clean from @justindavis33 http://bit.ly/dEBntG

On Friday, we will pick two winners and give away the free book. Who doesn’t like FREE!

If you have some time, check out Crystal’s Web Site and Follow her on Twitter.

In Authenticity, Books, Events, Pornography

When In Doubt, Fight For It

April 4, 2011 — Leave a comment

Looking back at that time when our marriage melted down in 2005, Trisha and I thought that the things that we struggled with, the problems that we had and the issues we faced, were unique to us. For the next year and a half, we spent a lot of time identifying our issues, talking about our problems and being honest and transparent about our struggles.

As you go through marriage, you will feel like the problems you have are unique to you. You will feel like what you struggle with, no one else struggles with. The arguments you have, the feelings you feel, the fears you face will all feel like they are unique to you. Don’t make the mistake of isolating yourself because you believe no one could possibly understand; because the truth is, couples have dealt with the same issues before, and some have even come out stronger on the other side.

What you need to know is that you are not alone. The things you deal with, everyone deals with. The problems you have, everyone has, or they have and lie that they don’t……..

We are helping our friends at StartMarriageRight.com launch their new site today. You can continue to read this post HERE:

They are doing giveaway’s all week to celebrate the launch…make sure you check back each day for that day’s giveaway.

In Intimacy, Marriage

Friday Repost: 8 Things that Restored Our Marriage Part 2

April 1, 2011 — Leave a comment

Trisha and I just returned from five nights and six days at an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean. It was an incentive trip I earned through my job. It was such a blessing to have some much needed time away with the love of my life. God gave us this trip at just the right time. Our batteries were running low and we were in need of a retreat to reconnect with Him and with each other.

While we were away, it gave us an opportunity to talk and reflect on some of the miraculous ways God has restored our marriage. While every marriage is different, the challenges are similar and the things that cause us to drift apart are often repeated. What we have discovered is there are transferable principles that can help heal and restore your marriage back to God’s original intent and dream.

Restoration Principle #2: Your willingness to confess and pray will determine the depth of healing and restoration God will bring to your marriage.

James 5:16 says it like this “Confess your sins to one another and prayer for each other that you might be healed.”

This principle played a critical role in our ability to move from being on the brink of divorce to God healing and restoring our relationship over the past 3 ½ years. More specifically, Trisha and I leaned into this principle this week on two occasions that made a huge impact in the quality of our time together on vacation.

Wednesday morning we were sitting at an outdoor café, drinking a cup of coffee, staring at the ocean. But something wasn’t right. I asked Trisha if she was okay. She said that she was fine. A few more minutes passed and again, I just felt like I needed to ask. I said, “Trisha, are you sure everything is okay?” Right then, she had two choices. She could have cut short the restoring work God wanted to do in her and in our marriage by saying again that she was fine. Or she could choose confession. We have seen over and over again that James 5:16 is true and it is right and it is powerful. She began to tear up and just said “I have an ungodly amount of anxiety in my heart right now, and I don’t want to be an anxious person.” There was a part of her heart that was fractured. Anxiety had taken root in her heart and had begun to hold her prisoner. She could have not confessed what she was feeling…and it would not have destroyed our marriage…but a degree of intimacy would have been lost. By confessing her heart condition to me and trusting me with it, communication started, walls were broken down and I was able to pray specifically for her in this area. I can’t make my wife less anxious…but God can. I was able to ask God to do something in her that I do not have the ability to do.

Although I (Trish) confessed my anxiety I didn’t fully explain where it was ALL coming from. The day before we had hit the beach and as we were lying on a comfy lounge chair Justin was “out” as we baked in the sun. I looked-up and noticed two girls just off to the side of us were completely topless and I became panicked as to what to do. Throughout the day there would be a woman walking along the beach topless. I just wanted to cry. Here we were in paradise but I felt like we were trapped in hell! So I had to make a decision…. tell Justin when he woke-up about what was going on and figure out what to do together or just be mad and think the worst of Justin.

The next day we were sitting by the pool (you had to keep your top on at the pool… my mom on a lighter note said I was caught in a “boobie trap” LOL). I looked at Justin and said, “In this moment, I need an honest answer from you, and I don’t care how brutal it is…I just need it be the truth.” He agreed to answer me honestly so I asked, “I want to know how you are doing in the area of lust as women walk around here half-naked. Are you struggling to keep your mind pure, and is there anything I can do to help you?” Huge decision for Justin: confess or hide?

He told me there have been times where he felt tremendous tension in his heart to take a second look at someone, but knew that it was wrong and that it was lustful. He told me that it isn’t a battle that you fight once and win, but it is a daily decision to recognize and fight. He said that I was already doing things that help him in this battle of lust like praying for him, sharing physical touch and affection, sexual intimacy, knowing that I find him attractive and have a desire for him. When these “action steps” are in a healthy balance then I know I am doing all I can to help him combat the temptation of lust and the rest is up to God! It is when I choose to be angry and hold a grudge because he does struggle and withhold myself in areas that are helpful to him, our relationship starts to break down.

What we realized later that evening was God was restoring a brokenness in us that had been created by years of hidden lust, unconfessed struggles and shame. This restoration hinged on our willingness to be honest and vulnerable and hear one another’s heart and pray for each other.

Here is my question to you today…is there anything you are NOT willing to talk to your spouse about? Is there anything that you are withholding? You may not be on the brink of divorce, you may not have the same issues that Trisha and I have, you may have a “good” marriage. If you can’t confess everything to your spouse and pray for them, you are missing a work of restoration and healing and a level of intimacy that only God can provide.

When we withhold things from God, it jacks up our relationship with Him. We pray less, feel guilty more, and we become more disconnected from Him. The same is true in our marriage. God has said that you and your spouse are “one flesh”. When we violate this principle, we allow the broken parts of our heart to stay broken, and over time we drift further and further away from our spouse…and from the oneness God desires for us.

If you want to take a step away from destruction and toward restoration, embrace James 5:16. It will be hard at times, but you will never regret it. Confession leads to healing and healing leads to life.

In 8 Things, Marriage

Failing to Forgive

March 30, 2011 — 19 Comments

Trisha and I had the honor of speaking on Sunday at Cross Point during our 5 Things Series. Here is a two minute mash-up of the message.

If you are interested you can watch the entire message HERE: We talked about the importance of forgiveness and the intentional choice we have to make to forgive.

One of the most common questions we receive when we share our story is directed toward Trisha: “How in the world did you forgive?”

Here are some truths that we have realized about forgiveness.

Where resentment lives, intimacy begins to die.
It is only true forgiveness when we forgive regardless of the other person’s response.

Forgiveness is free, but trust is earned.

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behavior; forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean they win, it means Christ wins.

Are you struggling to forgive? Which statement resonates most in your heart today?

In Church, Forgiveness, Grace, Marriage