Silent Saturday

March 30, 2013 — 1 Comment

Silence with God is a good thing. It is often in our silence that God speaks the loudest. We are even commanded in Scripture to “be still and know that He is God.” Our silence helps us feel God’s presence.

Silence from God is completely different. Silence from God is scary. Silence from God is disappointing. God’s silence causes us to doubt His presence.

We often believe God’s presence is always accompanied by his activity. When God isn’t obviously active, then He must be absent.

We aren’t the only ones to believe this.

After witnessing the death and burial of Jesus, His closest followers thought God’s silence meant his absence. God’s lack of movement meant a lack of care.

Saturday was silent.

Silent Saturday is void of hope. Silent Saturday is the day the dream is still lost. Silent Saturday is the day the body is still in the tomb. Silent Saturday is when death seems to win.

Most of us don’t function well on Silent Saturday. God’s silence in our lives doesn’t help us experience Him…it causes us to doubt Him.

Maybe you have a relationship that has died. Maybe your job is in jeopardy. Maybe your marriage is on life support or maybe it has been in the tomb longer than three days. Maybe your financial situation seems beyond repair. Maybe uncertainty and doubt greet you in the morning and are the last things you feel before you go to bed. Maybe God’s silence in your life these days has allowed the voices of fear and anxiety to become loud.

Can I share a few thoughts with you on this Silent Saturday?

-Hopelessness always comes before a resurrection

-Sometimes our dream has to die before God can give birth to His vision

-When I think God has made His last move, it was really just the start of His movement in my life

-Sometimes God allows us to lose hope so we can can find our true hope in Him

-What we see as defeat, failure and loss He sees as an opportunity to demonstrate His power and His plan

-When I lose hope, it’s because I live in Silent Saturday and forget about Easter Sunday

Maybe today, you find your life somewhere between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. Can I just encourage you that you are not in a season of defeat but a season of preparation. God’s silence today is in preparation for His resurrection tomorrow.

Don’t lose hope. Don’t give up. Don’t forget that death is defeated. The grave is overcome and God speaks loudly as He brings things back to life.

Silent Saturday always comes before Resurrection Sunday.

In Faith
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Disconnected

March 24, 2013 — Leave a comment

We are really pumped to be heading to Florida today to spend the week on spring break with our boys. We will be disconnecting from our blog, from email and from phone calls.

We are counting time with our oldest son by the amount of breaks, vacations and holidays we have left with him before he goes to college…including this week, we have 3 spring breaks left.

We’ll miss you guys this week, but know that sometimes the best thing you can do to reconnect with the ones you love is to disconnect from the world of social media.

(A reminder that the early bird rate on our RefineUs Weekend Experience ends on Sunday, March 31.)

Here is a post we wrote about the weekend .

Here is the RefineUs Weekend Experience Web site. 

We love and appreciate you and pray you have an amazing Easter weekend. We’ll be back on April 1.

In Events, Life
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Never an Excuse, But Always A Reason

March 21, 2013 — 10 Comments

Our vision for RefineUs is to be a place that focuses on our hearts and not our relationship status.

Married, single, dating, single again, remarried, or anywhere in between, this is a place for you. There are times we paint in broad strokes to speak to as many people as possible.

Then there are times God lays something specifically on our heart that we want to share with a specific group of people.

The number one blog post of 2011, 2012 and the most viewed blog post of 2013 so far is, 5 Things You Must Do to Restore Your Marriage After An Affair.

While not everyone that is a part of RefineUs has experienced infidelity, many, many people come here looking for hope and direction in the midst very intense pain.

Today, I (Justin) want to share with you what I believe to be the biggest mistake couples make as they recover from an affair. This mistake usually isn’t made intentionally, but it is made often.

The biggest mistake you can make restoring your marriage after an affair is to focus on what and not why. 

Short of losing a spouse or child, there is no greater pain that is experienced in a marriage than infidelity. It is heart-breaking, destructive, dark and sinful.

There is never an excuse for an affair, but there is always a reason.

But unless we are willing to go beyond the what of the situation to determine why this is a part of our story, we limit the parts of our heart God can redeem and restore.

Many couples get stuck in two very broken places: anger/resentment (for the one who’s been betrayed) and shame/guilt (for the one who’s cheated). When you’re stuck in either of these places the path of least resistance is to focus on what happened and stop short of digging into why it happened.

Here are some differences between a marriage that focuses on what and a marriage that is willing to focus on why: 

  • What focuses on what they did; Why invites God to change me.
  • What desires payment and retribution; Why is willing to forgive.
  • What wants all the pain to go away as quickly as possible; Why wants all the pain to have purpose and is willing to endure it.
  • What drifts toward that which is safe and guarded; Why shares all of the truth and risks being vulnerable.
  • What wants everything fixed; Why allows God to make all things new.
  • What focuses on all we have to do to heal our marriage; Why gives God free reign into all parts of our heart and marriage.

Choosing to focus on what and not why will alleviate the pain temporarily but leaves the sickness in the relationship. What allows many couples to experience the same mistake again in a few months or a few years. But there is another way.

When you choose why over what, the cost is greater upfront. Conversations are more difficult and honest. Mistakes by both spouses are admitted and owned. Making them pay gives way to forgiveness. Shame and guilt are overcome by grace and mercy. The focus moves from what he/she did to “How did we get here?”

Brokenness and repentance become the cry of both person’s heart…and God shows up in powerful ways.

The greatest gift I’ve received is a wife that wanted to know why. It changed everything about our recovery and provided the path to restoration.

The most important thing you can do in the restoration process is to not focus on what happened, but allow God to teach you why it happened.

That is the place of true life change.

In Adultry, Affair, Marriage, Restoration
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Even the Selfish Prayers

March 18, 2013 — 10 Comments

(Disclaimer: This post is a little bit all over the place, but I am going to land the plane eventually. I do have a point, it just might take me a minute to get to it.)

Our mission was clear when we launched our book: “God use us and this book to lower the divorce rate.” That is a big goal, but we serve a very big God.

I (Justin) underestimated the spiritual intensity, spiritual battle and spiritual and emotional fatigue of that goal. We have been so blessed to share our story; so blessed with the response to our book; blown away with the opportunity to speak at several churches and conferences. God is answering that prayer.

At the same time, many of the stories we hear are heartbreaking. People are hurting; marriages are broken; sin is dark and heavy and the spiritual battle is intense. We’ve spent the past two weeks somewhat hunkered down, asking God to restore us; to rejuvenate our hearts and spirits. We needed a break. We needed a retreat.

Two weeks ago, we got an email from a person that was at a church we spoke at the day before. He appreciated our story and our ministry and wanted to minister to us. He works for the SEC (Southeastern Conference) and wanted to give us tickets to the SEC tourney in Nashville. Parking passes, VIP hospitality, court-side seats.

For our family, and our love for basketball, there isn’t a better gift. It was an answer to prayer and a breath of rejuvenation. (On Friday, Isaiah got picked to represent LSU in the halftime hot shot competition.) IMG_4667

Our oldest son Micah plays high school basketball for Christ Presbyterian Academy (CPA) and their team had made it to the state championship. They would play and need to win 3 games to repeat as state champs.

So this past weekend, our family went from the SEC tourney to the state tourney and back. Thursday afternoon we got to watch two SEC basketball games and then left to go to Micah’s game.

Micah’s team is unreal. The starting five are all juniors and each has received at least one Division 1 college scholarship offer. Micah is a really good player but plays behind some very amazing players so his playing time is usually 1-3 minutes per game.

On Thursday, he played the last four minutes of their first round game at state. He had a wide open lay-up but bobbled the ball and the ref called travel and waved off the basket. We were so bummed. He was bummed.

CPA played on Friday with a chance to go to the state championship game. Micah didn’t play Friday but the team won and earned a place in the championship game at 6PM on Saturday night. Trish and I were so nervous that he wouldn’t get a chance to score in the state championship again.

Saturday morning, we were leaving for the SEC tourney and Micah was leaving for a shoot around and Trish said, “I really want us to pray with Micah before we leave. Justin, will you pray for him?”

What do you say in a prayer about a basketball game? What do you say to God when your greatest desire for your son is simply to score in a game? How do you pray about that? Does God even care about basketball?

So I prayed, “God, this is the most selfish prayer of all time. You have a lot more important prayers to answer, but this prayer is close to our hearts. Please, give Micah an opportunity to score today. Just give him another opportunity to score. That is our prayer.”

CPA dominated that championship game. Then with :39 left in the game, the bench emptied and Micah went into the game with our team up by 20. We all stood to honor the starters and cheer on the team as they let the clock wind down. Trish and I were grateful Micah got in the final game of the year.

Micah caught the ball on the teams next possession and went to dribble and was fouled. He went to the free throw line with a 1 and 1 opportunity. Make the first, get a second. Miss the first, miss your opportunity to score. Then this happened:

I spent some time reflecting on that whole experience and I felt like God reminded me of a few things.

1. I pray for what I ought to pray for not what is really in my heart. 

My prayers can become routine and it is easy to just be proper with God and not honest with God. It probably isn’t proper to pray for your son to score in a game…but it was honest. If I’m truly honest with you, it was probably the most honest prayer I’d prayed in while. It felt refreshing just to pray it. I want to pray with that kind of honesty more consistently.

2. God answers even the selfish prayers. 

Do I think my son scoring had anything to do with God answering that prayer? I think it had everything to do with it. God probably doesn’t care about basketball but God definitely cares about our heart. If I hadn’t prayed that prayer I wouldn’t have given God a chance to answer it. God didn’t communicate his love for basketball with that free throw…He communicated his love for me and my family.

3. God is interested in the details of your life. 

What prayers are you not praying that God longs to be a part of? Does God care about your car or your job or your vacation destination? Probably not as much as you care about those things. But here is what God is passionate about…YOU. He cares about you and he longs for you and I to share all of our heart, all of our requests, all of our most honest, most selfish, most intimate prayers with Him.

Take delight in the Lord,and he will give you the desires of your heart.        Psalm 37:4

Maybe part of delighting in the Lord is sharing all of our heart with him.

In Faith
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Just Lead!

March 15, 2013 — 1 Comment

Just-Lead-coverOne of our greatest passions for this blog is to equip you with resources to help you continue on the path of refinement in your marriage. Sometimes those resources are geared toward you as a married couple and sometimes for you as an individual.

We are excited to introduce you to the book JUST LEAD! written by our friends Jenni Catron and Sherry Surratt. Jenni is executive director at Cross Point Church in Nashville, TN and Sherry is the CEO of MOPS International. Both are amazing women and leaders!

Regardless if you (or your wife) lead a corporation, a team of people or you are the CEO of your home, this book is a no-holds-bared call to women leaders.

I, (Trish) have been impacted by both Jenni and Sherry’s leadership in my life. I’ve been able to see them lead up close as I’ve spoken for Jenni’s coaching network and will be speaking at MOPS International this fall.

These ladies live out what they write about. Here is a little more about the book:

Just Lead! is a welcome guide for women who feel called to lead but who need help to learn what it takes to break the “stained-glass ceiling.” As two experienced leaders who have served in a number of capacities in churches and organizations, Surratt and Catron not only explore the barriers—internal and external—that keep women from assuming a leadership role but also provide practical reality checks on what women can do to become effective leaders.

Follow Jenni on Twitter: @jennicatron

Follow Jenni’s blog http://jennicatron.tv

Follow Sherry on Twitter: @SherrySurratt

Follow Sherry’s blog  http://sherrysurratt.wordpress.com/

You can buy the book on Amazon here: Just Lead!

In Books, Leadership
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Beyond Late, But Not Ordinary

March 14, 2013 — 1 Comment

Trish and I turned in our manuscript of Beyond Ordinary a year ago, this week. (That is crazy) It wasn’t the final manuscript as there were two or three rounds of edits that we reviewed and changed. When you turn in the manuscript, that is the first dominio of a much bigger process…the sales process.

At that point, we met our Tyndale marketing team and began strategizing on the best way to communicate with our audience and get our message into as many hearts and marriages as possible.

Our team is amazing. One of the first things we did was purchase the web domain, beyondordinarybook.com and in August of last year, began designing a web site that would be dedicated to the book.

In October, we finished the web site. Lots of hard work, several marketing dollars spent on design, lots of conversations, but the site would be ready to help us communicate the heart of the book. We were pumped and now we were waiting on the release of the book.

Two days before the release of the book…TWO DAYS…some type of worm or virus or satanic demon from the pit of hades compromised our site and corrupted the data base and the entire site was lost.

Yea…not exactly beyond ordinary.

That is when we called our friends at Cross and Crown. They are an amazing company and have a huge heart for ministry and for RefineUs. They designed our logo and did a great job with that.

We shared with Trevor our vision for a book site that readers of the book could share and interact with. This week, that site was finally completed. So, it’s three months and 14 days after the release of our book, but whose counting. :)

Screen Shot 2013-03-13 at 3.19.04 PM

One of the things I love most about the site, is the section called Now It’s Your Turn. It is a section for you guys to share your “Beyond Ordinary” story. You can leave a prayer request. You can leave a comment on how the book impacted you. Most of all you can share how God is moving in your life.

Screen Shot 2013-03-13 at 3.19.23 PM

Check out the site.

Share it with your community and your friends. Interact with it and tell us how God is moving you, your marriage and your family beyond ordinary.

Thanks for being a part of this movement away from marriage as usual. BeyondOrdinaryBook.com

In Beyond Ordinary Book
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Nothing Changes Until Something Changes

March 12, 2013 — 2 Comments

Most people only communicate what they expect from a relationship after they have been disappointed or let down. That was the first ten years of our marriage.

We talk to people all the time that are unhappy in their marriage, unhappy in a relationship, dissatisfied with a friend, because the relationship isn’t what they thought it would be and isn’t what they expected it to be.

Our first question when a husband or wife expresses their frustration about an unmet expectation is, “Have you told your wife that you desire that?” “Have you told your husband you expect that?” Most of the time the answer is no.

Trisha and I got really good at yelling our previously unspoken expectations at each other during an argument. The argument was about an unspoken and thus unmet expectation.

Here is what we learned: an argument will never change someone’s heart. An argument might change how your wife acts or how your husband behaves for a day or two, but arguing will never turn a person’s heart closer to another. When an expectation is shared during an argument, its too late to do any good.

Can we share a secret with you that we have learned the hard way? This will apply to your friendships, to your work relationships, to your relationship with your kids, in your marriage…

Unspoken expectations will always grow into unmet expectations.

If you are unhappy in your marriage right now. If you wonder how you and your spouse could have drifted so far apart; if you are constantly frustrated that your needs, your desires, your expectations aren’t being met…have you communicated them outside the context of an argument?

Maybe its going out for breakfast; maybe its staying up an extra hour; maybe its going out on a date and having a conversation about expectations. This conversation should probably start with, “I want you to know that I own half of this issue. Half of the disappointment I have is because I haven’t communicated well.”

Here is the deal: Nothing changes until something changes. If you want to experience expectations that are met, you will have to change how you communicate expectations.

When expectations are communicated in clearly, calmly and in a desire to grow the relationship and not just beat the other down…relationships flourish. Friendships deepen; dating relationships grow; marriages become stronger.

In Communication, Marriage
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New Friends, God’s Awesomeness and TheJoyFM

March 9, 2013 — Leave a comment

Last week, we had the privilege of joining our friends Carmen Brown, Dave Cruse and Bill Martin on TheJoyFM. The entire interview and how the interview came about was a reminder of how awesome God is!

It is amazing to see how God gives us the gift of friends, encouragers, supporters and cheerleaders at the very moment we need them.

This blog and this ministry doesn’t happen with just us. It is a testimony of what God does when a group of people take off their masks, get real with one another and seek to partner with Jesus to change the world.

Thank you for praying for our book, our ministry and our family. Thank you for the times you read our blog and shared it; you bought our book and gave a copy to a friend; you said a prayer for us when we needed it.

We know many of you weren’t able to catch the interview, so we wanted to share the audio files with you this weekend. Our prayer is that God uses the things we talk about to help as many people as possible get a glimpse of God’s vision for marriage and inspire them to pursue a marriage that goes beyond ordinary!

If you can’t see the individual files below you can hear the interview at The JoyFM’s Web site.

The Joy FM Radio Interview Part 1:  

The Joy FM Radio Interview Part 2:  

Bonus Content: The Epic Birthday


Bonus Content: Trisha talks about forgiveness


 

In Beyond Ordinary Book
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Spend a weekend in Nashville with us!

March 8, 2013 — Leave a comment

refineusweekend

A few weeks ago, we announced our first ever RefineUs Weekend Experience.

We’ve been praying about this event and talking about it for over a year. We opened registration and launched a new website dedicated to the weekend. We’ve already had some registrations, but we’ve also had some questions that we want to answer today.

Q: What is the date of the event?

A: The first of two identical weekends will be held in Nashville, Tennessee, May 10-12, 2013. It starts with dinner together on Friday night and ends after breakfast on Sunday morning. The second identical experience will be July 12-14. You can register for both weekends now.

Q: What is the cost and what does the cost include?

A: The early bird registration cost is $750 per COUPLE. That includes all meals except dinner on Saturday night; a workbook for the weekend, a copy of Beyond Ordinary, a subscription to MentorUs and all snacks and drinks throughout the weekend.

It doesn’t include travel or hotel costs.

Q: Why is the event so expensive?

A: As we spent a few months researching other marriage intensive programs across the country, most weekend experiences ranged in price from $1500-$4000, plus travel. We wanted to keep the cost as low as possible and $750 per couple is very reasonable given the costs of other similar experiences. The registration cost is $375 through March 31st with the balance due in May, upon arrival.

Q: What are my hotel options?

There are three different hotels that are close to the location for the Weekend Experience.

Hampton Inn: This hotel is right across the street from the Bellevue Campus of Cross Point Church, the location for the weekend. We have reserved a block of rooms at this hotel at a discounted rate.

Best Western: This hotel is about 5 miles away from the Bellevue Campus of Cross Point Church, the location for the weekend. We have a few rooms on reserve at this hotel.

Comfort Inn: This hotel is about 5 miles away from the Bellevue Campus of Cross Point Church, the location for the weekend. We have a few rooms on reserve at this hotel.

Q: What makes this weekend experience different?

A: This weekend isn’t for everyone. We aren’t designing it to reach everyone. But we believe this will be a powerful weekend to share together. As we have traveled and spoken at different places there have been two huge challenges to we’ve faced as we’ve tried to invest in marriages: time and size of crowds.

We speak for 30-40 minutes on a Sunday morning and then we head home. When we do have time to spend 6-8 hours with a group of people through our marriage conference, there are 80-100 couples present. The RefineUs Weekend Experience will be limited to 10 couples and we will be together for 14-16 hours over the course of the weekend. We will eat meals together, have time for extended conversations and really dig into the content we’ll be sharing. We hope this is a marriage event is unlike any other marriage intensive in the country.

Q: Who should attend the RefineUs Weekend Experience?

A: Couples that desire change in their marriage. Couples coming out of crisis. Couples that are in crisis. Couples that want to move beyond behavior modification and experience heart transformation. Couples that are tired of marriage as usual. The RefineUs Weekend Experience is for married couples in a variety of stages.

Q: What is the schedule for the weekend?

A: You can check out the schedule HERE.

If you are interested in attending, register today. The early bird pricing expires on March 31st. We are doing everything we can to make this an extraordinary, super-practical and life changing experience.

Check out RefineUs Weekend Experience to register and to get all the details.

We hope to see you in May.

 

In Events, Marriage
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Seasons

March 7, 2013 — Leave a comment

Over the past couple of months Justin and I have been on an intense travel schedule. It’s a season our whole family has spent almost a year preparing for. Over the past six weeks I have slept in eight different hotels and spoken over twenty times. I have gone from being a stay-at-home mom, working only part-time to working over-time. There’s been a lot of adjusting for us as a couple and as a family.

I have sat down many times to write knowing I was scheduled to write a blog post for today. In fact, I ended up writing two separate posts on two different topics but neither of them felt right. Both fell flat and came more from my head rather than my heart. To be honest I was just trying to get it done.

This morning I couldn’t bring myself to post either of them. I was getting frustrated and then it hit me. I’m exhausted. Don’t get me wrong we have been blown away by God’s favor and grateful beyond words for the opportunities that have come our way! But this season has left me emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted.

The past few weeks reminded me of the early days of church planting. When money’s tight; staff is short and you hope people show-up on Sunday. There is an overwhelming amount of time and energy put into everything you do and you convince yourself you will somehow find rest during the week. It aseason of ministry that demands you to be fully engaged heart, mind and soul 24/7.

But seasons can be dangerous.

 Read the rest of this post over at Leading and Loving It: Click HERE 

In Guest Blogging, Life
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