Refine Us

8 Things that Restored Our Marriage Pt. 3 (Repost)

July 30, 2010 — 11 Comments

I am pretty sure that this post is going to tick some people off. I am confident that there will be some people that read this next principle and think that I am being legalistic; that I am going to extremes and that I am not in touch with culture. Some of you will read this post and you will say that I just became irrelevant to the world in which we live. Some of you will think…“He isn’t as strong as me, he isn’t as wise as me, he isn’t as _____________ as me. He doesn’t get me.” As tempting as those thoughts are, I hope that you take some time to really think through this principle and how it might play out in your life, because we both believe to take a step away from destruction and toward restoration, this principle is essential.

When Trisha and I were separated, I began to go to counseling and a few weeks later, Trisha joined me. One of the first assignments I was asked to consider and engage in by our counselor was to fast from TV for the duration of our separation. I was confident we could have things put back together in a week or two, so fasting from TV didn’t seem like a big deal. As we have mentioned before, we were separated for two months and God showed up, and used that time to awaken some things in my heart that I had failed to recognize and deal with.

Restoration Principle #3: Without a sold out commitment to purity of heart, our marriages will naturally drift toward destruction.

Philippians 4:8 says “ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

The truth about me is that I struggled with sexual sins. Those weren’t the only sins that I struggled with, but those were the ones that ultimately destroyed my marriage. Here is what’s wild: I taught this passage on Sunday morning. I quoted this passage to guys I met with that had pornography addictions. I often shared this verse with friends I played basketball with that couldn’t stop cussing. I knew this passage…but didn’t apply it. Well, I guess I applied it to the point that it felt comfortable…but not when it conflicted with CSI Miami, or Grey’s Anatomy, or The Practice. I never quoted it when I was trying to talk Trisha into watching a rated “R” movie that “only has one sex scene that we can fast forward through.” I never broke out this verse as I was walking into the movie theater to watch Wedding Crashers. I knew this verse was truth, but didn’t take seriously the downside of not applying it to my life.

During the time that I fasted from TV, God really broke my heart with this verse. I spent so much more time in His word than I had probably ever spent, and came to terms with the fact that I was a hypocrite when it came to Philippians 4:8. He showed me how compromise and justification had become second nature. Once I admitted to the struggles I had with pornography and lust, I began to see how some of the things I was filling my mind with were being used by the Enemy to point me and even our family in that direction. I had blown it off and thought I was above it, and honestly, judged people in my church that didn’t watch the shows that I watched or went to the movies that I went to…”they must not be as strong in their faith as I am.”

Wherever sin lives, intimacy dies. That is true in your relationship with God, and it is true in your marriage. But the good news is that wherever intimacy lives, sin dies. I don’t know what this looks like for you…really that is between you and God. But for us, we watch very little network TV. We attend very few movies these days. I guess that is a price that we have chosen to pay…but the payoff is huge. We have shared this principle with couples, and they say… “So, no Office? No How I Met Your Mother? No Grey’s Anatomy?” No…not for us. We feel like being sold out to purity in our thoughts, in our hearts, in our marriage and in our family means saying no to things we know violates this principle.

A few months ago, my 12 year old son had some friends over. They were going to play X-Box 360 for a while then they wanted me to take them to the movies. They started talking about different movies to see, what movies some of them had seen and what was good and what wasn’t. I just began praying that God would give me the wisdom I needed to help my son navigate the situation. Here is the cool part…we have talked so much about this principle of purity and how to protect our hearts…I didn’t have to say anything. My son went to the computer, went to the PluggedIn web site and reviewed all of the movies that were playing. He then told his friends the two or three movies that he would feel comfortable attending…end of discussion. I know it won’t always be that easy…but that is just one instance of “whatever is pure, whatever is holy, whatever is right” paying off in a big, big way.

Maybe there is some unidentified destruction in your heart and marriage because of a lack of purity? I have been there. It is so hard to admit…even harder to deal with and not justify. What would your marriage look like if you really took Philippians 4:8 seriously? How could intimacy grow as sin was put to death in your life and in your marriage? This post won’t win any popularity contests…but it has been and continues to be one of the most essential steps in our move from destruction to restoration.

In 8 Things, Marriage, Purity

Lying When the Truth Would Do

July 29, 2010 — 40 Comments

I can remember sitting in a counseling session talking to our marriage counselor. Trisha and I were still separated at this point. One of the things were discussing was integrity. When you’ve had an affair, there’s no doubt that you lack integrity…but this discussion was about something bigger.

This conversation was about the origin of integrity lost; it was about how my heart initially got disconnected from Truth. At one point, our counselor said, “You seem to lie, even when the truth would do.” That statement hit me right between the eyes.

The lies I told weren’t always big lies. Sometimes I left out a detail; sometimes I added details; sometimes I embellished; sometimes I exaggerated; sometimes I withheld truth. My motivation for lying when the truth would do was to look better than I really was. I wanted to appear smarter; more gifted; more capable; more spiritual; more impressive, more lovable.

One of the things that our counselor helped me realize is that my desire to stretch the truth; to withhold truth; to embellish a story; to exaggerate details is directly connected to my intimacy level with God.

This temptation is almost like a gas gauge to my spiritual life. When I’m tempted to compromise truth, that is a red flag to me of a heart condition that I need to recognize…a distance exists between God’s heart and mine. If left unchecked being tempted to distort truth will turn into a loss of integrity.

My guess is you have the same gauge in your heart. It might not be the same as mine, but there is a signature temptation in your life that indicates danger. It isn’t something that starts out big; it’s not something that starts out destructive; it’s not something that would appear to do damage to your relationship with God or others. But you know that when that temptation hits your mind, it is a huge sign that you’ve drifted away from the heart of God. It is in that moment that so much hangs in the balance; and you have the potential to choose life or death.

So often we lose sight of the opportunities we have to avoid sin. Because of insecurity, or pride or our shallow character we don’t admit the temptations we experience. As a result they grow into destructive behavior patterns.

My prayer for the last five years has been “Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me.” Through that prayer, God has revealed in me the “why’s” of my sin, and not just the “what’s”.

Without understanding the motivation we have to allow compromise in our life, it is almost impossible to overcome that desire to compromise.

Is there a signature temptation that you have that indicates distance between you and God?

In Character, Faith, Intimacy, Truth

A New Kind of Normal

July 28, 2010 — 11 Comments

One thing that I have learned over the past five years, is that the relational quality of my marriage is often just a reflection of my relationship with God. There have been so many times that I tried to change an aspect of my marriage, or how I reacted in my marriage, without recognizing this truth and what it brought me was temporary results. I have found that I can change my behavior for a while, but until God changes my heart, its only superficial change.

Here is a list of 12 words. My guess is one or two of them may describe how you feel when you think of your marriage these days. One of these words has become normal to you.

Numb Distant Exhausted

Disappointed Guarded Absent

Dull Mechanical Repetitive

Controlled Beat up Uninspiring

For you and your marriage, distance has become the norm. Disappointment has been something you’ve learned to deal with. Dull has described your relationship with your spouse for quite some time. Beat up has become a constant companion.

You have tried to make changes, but they don’t last; they are short-lived. So you feel exhausted and frustrated and have come to see these words as normal.

Can I ask you one more question as it relates to these words? Do any of the same words describe your relationship with God? Do you feel numb when it comes to God these days? It is very hard to have true intimacy with your spouse, the oneness that God created, when you feel numb or distant or disappointed with God. There have been so many times in my life I have underestimated the spiritual aspect of my marriage and have done everything I can to “fix” it; and been unsuccessful.

What if there was a new kind of normal in your relationship with God?

Connected Close Energized

Exciting Free Inspired

Spontaneous Life-giving Encouraging

How much better would your marriage be if these words were the normal way to describe your relationship with God? How much richer would your friendships be? So often we try to fix our earthly relationships without taking an inventory of our relationship with God.

Is there a specific word that has become normal to you that needs to be traded for a new kind of normal?

In Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Transformation

Me and My ‘Slim T’

July 27, 2010 — 56 Comments

My boys have been into watching the NBA summer league on NBA TV. Not much excitement there, but what has been exciting are the commercials. Apparently, advertising is much cheaper on NBA TV than most of the big networks. I base this theory on the quality of the commercials and the quantity of infomercials prompting me to buy something.

Last night, this commercial came on, and I couldn’t help but laugh (after I wrote down the 1-800 number!)

The Slim T promises to make you look thinner, without dieting; without exercising; you can have a slimmer, more fit looking body, without putting in all that hard (overrated) work. You can have the appearance of being thin, but not be thin. And best of all, no one will know you are wearing it, but you.

As wack as this commercial is, it made me think about the issues in a lot of marriages.

So often this is what we want in marriage. All of us who are married long for an intimate relationship with our spouse, but we aren’t always willing to pay the price for intimacy. All of us want to communicate better, but don’t make time for conversation. We want to have our needs met, without having to meet the needs of our spouse. We want the appearance of a healthy marriage, without having to work for a healthy marriage.

The truth is that the Slim T only hides my love handles; it doesn’t get rid of them. It only helps me suck in my gut; it doesn’t give me a six-pack. It tries to convince me that somehow appearance trumps health; and comfort is more important than authenticity. It covers up the symptoms of my problem, without getting to the root of my problem.

This has been true in my marriage more than I care to admit. I’ve often traded the commitment to a healthy marriage for the mere appearance of a healthy marriage.

Sadly, this has been true in my relationship with God too. Too often I’ve put a Slim T over my relationship with God, hoping that I could somehow appear more spiritual than I really am. I convince myself that I can have all the benefits of an intimate relationship with God, without the investment.

The reality is that at some point the Slim T has to come off…and the real you, the real marriage, the real relationship with God will be standing in front of the mirror.

Is there an area of your life, of your marriage, of your relationship with God that you are trying to make better by putting a Slim T over it?

In Character, Transformation

Unexpected Ways

July 26, 2010 — 65 Comments

A little over a year ago, we sat our middle son Elijah down and told him that we felt like God was leading us back into full time vocational ministry. We didn’t know what that looked like, but we wanted to make the decision as a family. Elijah immediately began to cry. Neither Trisha nor I thought this was a good thing. We began to console him and ask him if he was okay. Through his sobbing he simply said “I’m so happy, this is what you were made for.” Then we began to cry! Such a sweet kid!

Since that day, Elijah has been asking me if he could speak on Sunday morning. As kindly as I can, I have explained to him that although Cross Point is an awesome church I don’t have the authority to allow this to happen. He has continued to tell me that he has a vision to speak on Sunday morning.

Two weeks ago, Trisha and Micah and Elijah spent the week at iGNITE Camp. iGNITE is the summer camp for Eagle Church in Zionsville, Indiana. This was Trisha’s fourth year leading worship for the camp. I have included a short video of the last night of camp just to give you a flavor of what they experienced throughout the week. It was a powerful week for my kids to not only be with old friends, but to reignite their passion for Christ.

The Sunday following iGNITE camp, the camp band led in worship and the youth pastor, Ian, gave a recap of the week and shared all that God did in and through the students. At the end of his talk, he said something that threw everyone for a loop. He said to the 120 students and the 400 adults in the auditorium that during worship that morning, he saw Elijah worshiping. He felt like God was prompting him to invite Elijah up to close out the service with a challenge for both the students and the parents. Elijah’s vision for speaking on Sunday morning had become a reality. I pulled out my phone and captured it on video. (The video shakes some because I may have been crying a little.)

As I was processing this whole series of events, my heart was opened to this truth: often the way God executes the vision he has placed in our heart doesn’t look like we thought it would. God had given Elijah a vision to speak on Sunday morning. None of us expected it to happen the way that it did.

Maybe you have a vision for a relationship that seems stalled. Maybe you have a vision for your career that appears further away now than it ever has. Maybe you have a vision for your marriage that consistently to take 2 steps forward and then 3 steps back. Maybe you have a vision for doing something great for God, and for whatever reason that vision hasn’t become a reality.

Can I challenge you today to not miss the things God is doing to fulfill his vision for your life, even if it isn’t playing out like you thought it would. Just because it doesn’t look like you think it should, doesn’t mean God isn’t at work. So don’t give up. Don’t stop pursing your God given vision. He often shows up in unexpected ways.

Has there been a time in your life that God fulfilled a vision you had in a way you didn’t expect?

In Church, Family, Kids, Life, Worship

Coming Back

July 24, 2010 — 1 Comment

Hey everyone! We just wanted to let you know that we are returning here on RefineUs on Monday, July 26th. We took some time off for camp, vacation, travel and rest. Looking forward to being back with you guys in a few days. We have some exciting things to share with you as we look to restore hope and renew relationships.

Have a great weekend! We’ll talk on Monday!

In Life

15 Years of Grace

July 15, 2010 — 62 Comments

On this day, 15 years ago, Trisha said “I Do.” Those of you that are a part of our community know that we almost didn’t make it to year number 11…so to be at year 15 is pure grace.

The picture above is from our honeymoon. I know I look drunk, but I wasn’t. What I see in that picture is promise, potential, dreams, expectation. It is amazing how life, and busyness and work and kids and ministry can cause those things to fade over time.

The thing I’m most thankful for on our 15th wedding anniversary is when I look at the picture below, I see promise, potential, dreams and giddy expectation. God is a God of restoration.

If you are in a place where hope is fading in your marriage; the road seems long; the promise of what could be has been wrecked by the reality of what is…don’t give up. Hang in there. If God can bring Trisha and I to year 15, he can do anything.

Happy Anniversary to the most loving, grace-filled, sexiest woman alive. I can’t wait to experience the next 15 years of grace with you.

In Grace, Love, Marriage

Living Courageously

July 14, 2010 — 47 Comments

A few weeks ago we were invited to some friends’ house to go blobbing. We had such a blast. I am not sure if you know what a blob is…it is like a huge pillow that floats on water. When we arrived, my 7-year old son Isaiah wanted to do this! There was a problem…you had to climb up a ladder to a 20 foot platform, jump down onto the blob, crawling to the end of the blob, only to have someone heavier than you jump off the same platform and send you launching into the air.

Isaiah was scared. As he came to the end of the platform, he was paralyzed.

So often in my relationship with God, I am the same way. I sense God calling me to a new level of trust; I know God is asking me to step out in a way that stretches me; I hear God’s voice prompting me to risk something I’ve never been willing to risk…and I’m all about it. Until its time to jump…then I’m paralyzed. I am so scared, so fearful, I can’t move.

I wonder how how many divine moments I’ve surrendered because of fear. Most of my life is lived between faith and fear. When things are going well; I have money in the bank; my marriage is going well; ministry is fulfilling; my kids are doing well; my friendships are deep and meaningful…I am filled with faith. Then there is financial uncertainty; relational conflict; ministry difficulty; an unknown outcome to a personal challenge…my heart is filled with fear. Most of our life is lived in the gap between faith and fear.

Can I share with you what I shared with my 7-year old son? Courage isn’t the absence of fear. Courage is overcoming your fear with faith. Courage is pushing through your fear and experiencing faith in greater ways than before.

Maybe today you are standing on the ledge in an area of your life and God is asking you to jump…to trust. But you are scared; you are fearful; you are paralyzed. Life is best lived courageously.

What area of your life do feel like God is asking you to be courageous?

(By the way, enjoy the video of my son being blobbed!)

In Courage, Family, Kids, Life, Trust

4 Things that Will Improve Your Marriage Today

July 13, 2010 — 42 Comments

Within the last month, Trisha and I have been able to offer a new resource through RefineUs; Marriage Coaching. It has been very cool to see how God has brought us 4 couples to come along side and journey with over a 4-month period of time. Our goal for our marriage coaching stays true to the original vision we had for RefineUs: to restore hope and renew relationships.

In the spirit of coaching today, I wanted to share with you 4 things you can do to improve your marriage…TODAY. I have seen these things radically transform my marriage and they are suggestions that if implemented will move you closer to the marriage you’ve had in mind.

1. Give Up Trying to Change Your Spouse

I wish I could have back the amount of time, energy and emotions Trisha and I have spent believing that we could change the other. Some how over the course of time, as married people we begin to think that if we yell loud enough, make our point strong enough, are right enough, slam the door hard enough, make our spouse feel guilty enough…they will change. But you know what happens. When you and I assume the responsibility to change the heart of our spouse, we end up fighting about the same things over and over and over again. Can I just set you free from something: you don’t have the power to change a human heart; only God does. So the best advice I can give you that will transform your marriage is begin to pray for your spouse and ask God to change you. When you begin to ask God to change you, your marriage automatically improves, because change is happening in your heart.

2. Put Appointments In Your Calendar to Talk

I have had no less than ten conversations with couples over the past six months that have trouble communicating. I ask them “On average, how much cumulative time do you spend per week talking (when you are not arguing)?” Every single couple has answered under an hour. When Trisha and I were separated, we realized how little we talked to one another unless we were arguing. We began to set aside one night per week to go out to dinner and just talk. At first we each made a list and went through the list of things that we wanted to discuss or ask the other or dream about. Over the last five years, we don’t make lists anymore but we set aside time each day just to talk. When you are talking without arguing you are making deposits into the emotional bank of your marriage, so that when there is a disagreement, what was once a level 10 argument is now a level 3. Put it on your freaking calendar!

3. Assume the Best of Your Spouse

It is amazing how many people accuse their spouse of being defensive. I hear it all the time as we talk to couples…one person will say “It just gets old having him/her be so defensive all the time.” My response is why does your spouse feel like they have to play defense? When you assume the worst of your spouse, you automatically put them in defense mode. In defense mode, responsibility isn’t taken, grace isn’t shown, patience runs thin and arguments are minutes away. When you assume the best of your wife or your husband, there is a confidence that even when you disagree, you know in your heart that your spouse is for you. When you have confidence that your husband or your wife is for you, intense discussions can build intimacy instead of shredding it. Assume the best and be proven wrong.

4. Stop Running Your Spouse Down In Public

This was something that I did for years. I didn’t even realize how often I did this until we were separated. We were at Red Lobster one night, talking (see #2) and Trisha began to tear up. She shared with me many examples of me being condescending to her or making fun of her or running her down in front of other people. When you do that, what you communicate is how insecure you are with yourself. Trisha and I can tell within 5-10 minutes of being out with a couple how healthy they are in their relationship. Do they build each other up to others because they are secure in who they are; or do they tear one another down because they are insecure? If you don’t know if you struggle with this, ask your spouse…their eyes will tell you. There is nothing more fulfilling than having your wife/husband compliment you in front of your friends or your family. There is nothing that will erode intimacy quicker than making fun of your spouse in front of the same audience.

These are just four things that we struggled with, that we hope are helpful. Are there others that you would add to the list?

In Communication, Family, Marriage

My Character Vs. My Calendar

July 12, 2010 — 42 Comments

I had the opportunity yesterday to continue our Chronicles series at Cross Point. We have been talking about the parables of Jesus. Yesterday, I taught on the parable of the mustard seed. The big idea of this parable is that God’s Kingdom may seem small and insignificant, but through Christ, it will have a tremendous impact. God has given us each “mustard seed moments” and so often we miss them because of impatience.

There have been so many times in my life that I have been frustrated with God. I’ve been disappointed that he didn’t show up in timeframe I thought he should. The truth is that God doesn’t do a very good job of operating on my schedule. I am not, by nature a very patient person. Because I am not patient I have missed countless opportunities to make an impact with my life for the Kingdom.

More often than not, I have been disappointed in my relationship with God because I have equated my calendar with God’s timing. I have missed mustard seed moments in my life because I have expected God’s timing to be my timing…and when it doesn’t play out that way, I lose hope.

Can I share with you today what I am learning? God is more concerned with your character than he is your calendar. God will often allow a dream, allow a passion, allow an opportunity to marinate in your heart until you have developed the character necessary to see that dream or that opportunity come to fruition.

The problem is we aren’t patient. If we’re honest we care more about our calendar than we do our character. We want results. We want growth. We want impact. So we often shortcut the character development process so we can have or achieve what we feel we deserve.

Looking back over the last 15 years of my life and ministry, I see so many times I compromised my character to accommodate my calendar. When this happens in your life or in mine, what we end up with is a false sense of God’s blessing.

Maybe there is an area of your life today that God is asking you to wait…to be patient. Maybe its in your marriage…maybe its with one of your kids…maybe its in your dating relationships…maybe in your finances…maybe its with your job. Maybe today God is asking you to view your character as more important than your calendar…to be patient and allow him to bring about the growth in your heart and life you desperately need.

What area of your life do you sense God asking you to be patient?

In Character, Faith, Transformation