When our marriage melted down in 2005, Trisha and I thought that the things that we struggled with, the problems that we had and the issues we faced were unique to us. For the next year and a half, we spent a lot of time identifying our issues, talking about our problems and being honest and transparent about our struggles.

Over the course of the past three years, as we’ve talked to others, we’ve realized that the things that we deal with, everyone deals with. The problems we have, everyone has, or they lie about not having.

A few weeks ago, I was having lunch with a friend who was having some problems in his marriage. He began to walk me through their issues, and they weren’t unique or different or unsolvable. They were real and they were serious, but not exclusive to their relationship. At one point in our conversation, I said to my friend, “What you need to do is you need to fight for your marriage. You are more willing to fight for your music career than you are committed to fight for your marriage.” He said, “It’s easier to fight with her, than it is to fight for her.”

There is a relationship in your life right now that you need to fight for. Relationships don’t just happen…relationships drift. You have to fight for it. What I have noticed about life is that it is so much easier for us to fight for other things, which matter so much less:

• Fight for your career
• Fight for a bigger house or nicer car
• Fight for peoples’ approval
• Fight for your status
• Fight for a business deal

We get so consumed with life; we spend the best hours of our day fighting for things that in the end don’t matter. Somewhere along the way, the people that mean the most to us get the least amount of fight from us. We fight with them, but we stop fighting for them.

Your son needs you to fight for him. Your best friend needs you to fight for her. Your wife needs you to fight for her. Your boyfriend needs you to fight for him. Your mom needs you to fight for her.

If you want a great friendship, you have to fight for it. If you want an intimate marriage, you have to fight for it. If you want to know your son or your daughter and be known by them, you have to fight for it. If you want to have a close relationship with your sister like you used to have, you have to fight for it. If you want to rebuild your relationship with your dad, it won’t just “happen”; you have to fight for it.

Who in your life do you need to start fighting for?

On Sunday night, our two older boys and I stayed up for a guy’s movie night. We don’t watch many movies that aren’t animated, so we were all excited about Invictus. I was in high school when Nelson Mandela was released from prison, so I had some knowledge of the story, but not much. It was a great movie.

Early in the movie, Mandela says something that has been on my heart since: “Reconciliation has to start somewhere.”

My mom and dad were divorced just over a year ago. 35 ¾ years of marriage….done. My dad made some very poor choices, hid some very serious sins for many, many years, and in the end, has chosen to go his own way. We’ve talked two times this year, January 10 and March 24…two of my son’s birthdays. Other than that, he doesn’t call or text…and maybe out of pride, neither do I.

Here is what I struggle with…there seems to be a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. In my heart, I believe I have forgiven my dad. I don’t feel resentment, but I definitely don’t feel reconciled. I’m good with our relationship at a distance because I have less of a chance of being hurt or disappointed or lied to. If I have low expectations then I won’t be let down. Unreconciled makes perfect sense to me.

Then I hear that statement “Reconciliation has to start somewhere.” As I’m trying to dismiss it I think about this statement from Jesus: “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”

Forgiveness seems easier to me than reconciliation. Forgiveness takes place in my heart and has no dependence on anyone but me. I can forgive you without you even knowing. I can set myself free from a toxic heart condition through forgiveness. Reconciliation takes place in the context of a relationship and has dependence on someone else.

Here is what I’m learning even in this moment: Reconciliation has to start somewhere, and that “somewhere” is with me.

Maybe there is a relationship in your life that has experienced forgiveness but not reconciliation. You’ve forgiven your sister, but haven’t reconciled. You’ve forgiven your husband, but haven’t reconciled. You’ve forgiven your mom, but haven’t reconciled. You’ve forgiven your friend, but haven’t talked in years.

Do you deserve for them to make the first move? Do you deserve for them to pursue you? Do you deserve for them to seek reconciliation? Probably. But life with God is all about not getting what we deserve.

Maybe the reconciliation you desire in a particular relationship has to start with you.

The apostle Paul says it like this: “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.”

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this today. Which is more difficult for you: forgiveness or reconciliation?

The past few weeks have been pretty hard. We have spoken to so many couples that are struggling: Struggling with news of an affair, devastated by catching their husband looking at pornography, lost as they don’t know how to put back the pieces to a marriage that seems beyond repair.

At some point in our conversations the question is always asked of us. “How did you do it?” “How did restore your marriage after the affair?” “How have you been able to overcome the pain of pornography?”  “How have you forgiven?” “How have you moved on?” “How are you not resentful?” “How do you not walk in guilt and shame?”

There is no magic pill. There is not one decision that will make everything better. There isn’t anything you can do that will take it all back. But there is a secret ingredient to every person that I know that has found healing; every marriage that has been restored; every relationship that has been repaired…that secret ingredient is brokenness.

Brokenness is living with a daily awareness of how messed up you are. It is recognizing that with out the grace of God, you’d have nothing. It is living as though you are owed nothing, but you owe God everything.

Remember the very first time you encountered God’s love? Remember the very first time you asked Christ to be your savior? Do you remember that moment? Do you remember when you were at rock bottom and you had no chance for life or healing or a second chance without God showing up in your life? Do you remember how he met you in that moment?

Do you remember that feeling? Do you remember how grateful you were, how broken you were, how thankful you were? Remember the first time you needed grace and grace was given?  Brokenness is living in that moment every day. Brokenness is relying on that grace every day. Brokenness is loving and forgiving because you have been loved and forgiven.

Brokenness is pursuing purity out of a response to the love of Christ. Brokenness admitting your failures; coming face to face with your addiction; acknowledging your inappropriate relationship, and coming before God with an honest and sincere heart.

This way of living requires authenticity, transparency and a humble heart. But this way of living brings life and hope and freedom and joy.

It is the paradox of the authentic Christian life that the wholeness that you long for is found in brokenness.

How are you doing in living from the place of brokenness in your life today?

We have shared this video before, but based on some of the searches that have lead people to our blog; based on some of the emails that we have received over the past two weeks; based on conversations we’ve had with friends who are really struggling in their marriage, we are sharing this again today.

We’d be honored if you’d retweet this post and put it on your Facebook page so as many people as possible can see that there is HOPE for ANY marriage!

Trisha and I meet and talk with couples several times per month. One of the most common issues that we’ve observed is a lack of unity. The Bible calls it “oneness”. We would say it like this “They are on different pages.”

No one gets married hoping to argue all the time. No one gets married with dreams of name-calling and yelling matches. But over the course of time, if unity isn’t pursued, we drift to misunderstanding, miscommunication, and disunity.

So today, we wanted to share with you 5 Things that can restore unity and oneness in your marriage.

(They ARE in a particular order.)

1. Prayer

I know that we beat this drum a lot, but get over it. This is the single biggest thing that I took for granted in my marriage before the affair. Everything that will be listed after this are all limited by human emotion, human reasoning, and human power. Prayer unlocks the power of the Holy Spirit in your marriage. Prayer paves the way for wise decisions, forgiveness, communication, patience…the list goes on and on. You want to change your marriage, pray for your spouse. You want to radically change your marriage, pray with your spouse.

2.  Time Together

It is really difficult to stay on the same page with someone, when you spend no time together. We spoke to a couple a few months ago, and I asked, “Other than arguing with each other, how much time do you spend talking each week?” 30 minutes a week was their answer. You can’t grow in intimacy with your spouse if you aren’t spending time together. I have seen this play out in my own marriage recently. We have been burning the candle at both ends for the past month. We have been gone a lot and haven’t prioritized date nights or time together. No matter how good your marriage, it will catch up to you.

3. Offer Forgiveness

There are very few things that will eat away at unity like resentment. When someone is truly sorry for their actions and one spouse doesn’t forgive, unity and oneness is broken. How do you know if you struggle with this? Look at your arguments: When you are arguing with your spouse do you bring up stuff from the past that has nothing to do with the argument? Do you say at the end of the argument “We always fight about the same thing!” If you always go back to a certain mess up or fight about the same thing, you probably haven’t forgiven your spouse for that. Forgiveness keeps no record of wrongs.

4. Unfiltered Vulnerability

This is not only hard to describe, but it takes a lot of courage to commit to.  This is a willingness to bare your soul to your spouse, knowing that whom you are sharing with can be trusted and what you are sharing is valued. There have been times that I’ve asked Trisha what was wrong and she told me, and it was really hard to hear. We’ve had conversations about pornography, lust, insecurity, betrayal, unresolved anger, fear, disappointment…the conversations aren’t easy, but they are life giving. There are times that each of us have had to trust that “If I share this with you, I’m taking a risk, and I’m trusting you’ll listen no matter how much what I say might hurt you.” This is so important to unity and oneness.

5. Physical Intimacy

If you have ignored the previous four things, number five will be very infrequent. That is why it is so important to invest in your marriage in the other areas, so that your sex life can be healthy as well.  From God’s perspective, physical intimacy is not only the physical representation of the oneness you have in Christ, but also it is used in a very real way to help guard against temptation and overcome the lies of the enemy. We tell couples that they should have sex at least two times per week. Some counselors say 3-4 times per week. (I like their number better) The bottom line is your sex life will give you an indication of the unity level of your marriage.

This is our list of 5…what are your thoughts? What would you add or take away from the list?

The Bellevue Campus of Cross Point shares a parking lot with Toys R Us and with Sonic; both of which are detrimental to our budget. A few weeks ago my son Isaiah and I were going to the Bellevue Campus and we pulled into the parking lot by Toys R Us. As we drove past and he said, “After we get done can we go to Toys R Us?” I gave him my standard answer…“Maybe.” He said, “We need to go there.” I said, “Why do we need to go there.” He said, “I have money.” I said, “Really, how much money do you have?” “I have five dollars.” “Where did you get five dollars?” He said, “You got paid today, right? You owe me!” “What? I don’t owe you five dollars.” He said, “You got paid, and now I need to get paid my allowance.  You owe me five dollars.” I said, “What did you do to earn five dollars?” He just said, “My allowance, you owe me.”

You owe me.

I can be that way with God at times. “After all I’ve done for you God, YOU OWE ME.” This heart condition is called entitlement, and it can slowly eat away at the healthiest of relationships.

Entitlement says “Why them and not me?”

Why did he get a raise and I didn’t?

Why is she getting married and I’m not?

Why did they get the deal and I didn’t?

Why am I unemployed and they’re not?

Why can she have a baby and I can’t?

Why am I getting divorced and they’re not?

After all I’ve done for you, God…YOU OWE ME.

Now don’t get me wrong…you’re thankful for grace and you’re glad you’re going to heaven, but deep in your heart you know God is getting a good deal with you. He owes you. God owes you a new job.  God owes you a faithful spouse. God owes you a loyal friend. God owes you good health. God owes you an apology, for all of the times you’ve served Him, but He hasn’t come through for you. He owes you.

Over the years, I’ve allowed entitlement to keep me from experiencing joy…

-Joy in offering forgiveness

-Joy in being generous with my money

-Joy in being content with what I have

-Joy in receiving and living in the beauty of God’s grace

When you and I live with an attitude of entitlement we want what God can give us, more than we want God.

Do you struggle with entitlement in your relationship with God? How about in your relationship with your spouse, friends or family?

Yesterday, I was given the opportunity to speak in week two of our series People of the Second Chance at Cross Point. We talked about the Elder Brother in the story of the Prodigal Son.

One of the character traits of the elder brother is feeling superior by being judgmental. It is so easy for me to have a judgmental heart. It’s so easy for me to think that I am better than someone else.

When you and I judge others we assume the worst of them. Judging is when you speak about someone’s sin and you feel no compassion. You have no obligation to help, and you secretly enjoy their failure. Judgment says, “I would never do anything as bad as that.” We judge other people’s actions, but we want to be judged by our intentions.

Can I give you my theory on something? This is from personal experience as well as 15 years of being in ministry. The sin you are the most judgmental about is the one you struggle with the most. I don’t have scientific evidence for this…but I think by in large its true. Maybe you’ve judged someone for getting pregnant before their married…and the only difference between them and you is they got pregnant and you haven’t, yet. Maybe you’ve judged a family member for having an affair and you feel so spiritually superior to them, yet you’re addicted to pornography. Maybe you’ve judged a person who’s an alcoholic or addicted to drugs, and yet you’re addicted to food and overeating. .

When I am judgmental, I paint as bad of a picture of someone else that I can, so I can feel better about how messed up and broken my heart is. The goal of the judgmental heart isn’t to become more like Christ; it is to appear to be more spiritual and more put together than I really am. My goal isn’t to reflect the love of the Father; it’s to look better than you.

What are your thoughts on my theory? Do you agree or disagree?

Years ago, I bought a book by Lewis Smedes called The Art of Forgiveness. I haven’t picked it up in years. This summer, Trisha and I are taking a step of faith with our non-profit ministry, RefineUs Marriage Ministries, and are doing a couple of marriage conferences in the fall, and are offering Marriage Coaching for couples starting in June. In preparation for some of that, I picked up the Smedes book and started thumbing through it. It is so rich.

One quote that I had marked, highlighted and starred said this:

The three stages of the art of forgiving are: Restoring humanity to the person who has wronged you; Surrendering your right to get even; Beginning to bless the person we forgive.

As I read that, I thought “That can’t be right. I think there should only be two stages.” I have no problem restoring the humanity of the person who has wronged me. I have no problem surrendering my desire and my right to get even. But to bless and pray for blessing for the person that has wronged me…that’s a little overboard.

I realized reading this that I have some work to do in my own heart. I thought I had forgiven someone, but I don’t want to bless him…I don’t wish him well. I don’t wish him harm; I just don’t pray that he is blessed. Maybe I haven’t forgiven to the extent that God has forgiven me and has called me to forgive.

What about you? Which stage is the most difficult for you? Do you have some work to do in one particular stage? Are you willing to embrace the art of forgiving?

Trisha and I are huge fans of The Biggest Loser. There are several reasons we love the show, but probably the biggest reason is the life change the show brings to the lives of the contestants.

Last night on the finale, one of the finalists was asked how he overcame his struggles while he was at home. He said, “I had to change where I turned to when I was stressed out and overwhelmed. I couldn’t turn to food anymore.”

Each of us have a “Go To” place as well. It is that place we turn to, that place we go when we are stressed out or overwhelmed. Where do you go when there isn’t enough money to cover the bills; when your job is sucking the life out of you; when your marriage has more bad days than good; when you kids are on your nerves; when the end of your depression is no where in sight; when a friendship is crumbling; when a the guy or the girl you thought was “the one” decides its over; where do you go?

For me, my “go to” place was food and pornography. When life and ministry and marriage and responsibilities were closing in around me, my greatest desire was to escape, to feel better. The short-term gain of escape has such damaging, long-term consequences.

Part of my recovery and healing began by identifying the things in my life that cause me to want to escape and then talking about them rather than internalizing them. Then I had to begin to trust that I could take those things to a different “go to” place.  I had to trust that my “go to” place could be found with God and with my wife. It is an everyday choice. This isn’t something you can choose once and its over. You choose it again and again and again.

What is your “go to” place? Is it a bar, a video game, a web site, a chat room, an adult movie, an opposite sex-friend that isn’t your spouse, a sexual act, a late night snack?

The truth today is that God longs to be our “go to” place. While shame and guilt try to prevent us from making Him our “go to” place, the freedom we find there can’t be found anywhere else.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Yesterday on Twitter, someone posted a quote from C.S. Lewis. The quote caught my attention and sat with me for most of the day.

Pride is a spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment or even common sense.

So often when Trish and I share our story, people naturally focus on what was visible…the affair. But there was a cancer of heart and soul that ate away at me for years.  That cancer was pride.

What is weird is that for many of us who are prideful, our pride is actually born not out of confidence, but out of insecurity. When we are insecure, we try to convince ourselves and others just how worthy and talented and gifted we are…that posture comes across as pride. Pride is a cancer that will eat us alive.

I often take shots on our blog, when we speak, when we share our story that I’m “living in the past.” But there is something healthy about acknowledging my sickness. There is something sacred about remembering the God who can cure heart cancer.

What we have realized is that pride is the cause of so many issues. We meet with couples who are struggling in their marriage; Trisha talks to a friend that has been hurt by a friend…what it usually goes back to is pride.

Pride…

-It’s why you’re not satisfied with the house you live in

-It’s why you feel entitled to that job or that promotion

-It’s why you won’t say you’re sorry

-It’s why you talk to your wife like she’s a dog

-It’s why you pretend to be closer to God than you really are

-It’s why you spend money you don’t have to impress people you don’t even like

-It’s why you won’t forgive

-It’s why you don’t respect your husband

-It’s why you refuse to admit you’re wrong

Pride is probably your greatest hurdle to become the man or the woman that God created you to be. Pride longs to rob you, to cheat you, to convince you that life is best lived looking out for you.

It is a cancer that will one day take over your heart. The great news today is that pride’s defeat begins by recognizing its presence. It is hard to admit, but so freeing.

What does pride look like in your life, marriage, relationships?