8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage-Part 7

As we come to this post, I am so thankful for my wife sharing her heart in Part 6. Forgiveness and reconciliation are a process, and this has been a 3 year journey to get to where we are today. There have been so many highs and lows, but through it all God has sustained us and hasn’t just improved our marriage, but has totally recreated our marriage. Hopefully, God has used the journey we have been on (and continue to be on) to encourage your heart and refine your marriage.

That brings us to this mistake that almost destroyed our marriage…

#7- We forgot to focus on all of the reasons why we loved each other.

The day after we separated, I went into a counseling appointment not knowing if I wanted to stay married. I will be very honest and say that I was in a dark place. I sat down in the chair and the counselor asked me “Why do you not want to be married to your wife?” With out even thinking I was able to rattle off all of the things that Trisha did that got on my nerves. I had thought and meditated on all of the ways that Trisha made me angry, all of the habits that she had that drove me crazy. After I got done, the counselor looked at me and said “Wow…she sounds awful. I can believe you would fall in love with someone like that. Why did you ever marry her in the first place.?”

When we were dating our spouse, we had an alternative perspective of our differences. We spent most of the time we weren’t with one another thinking about how their differences and their idiosyncrasies would improve our life or make us more complete. We thought about how cute their laugh was or how we loved their carefree attitude and their laid back style. We told them how much we loved how organized they were or how we admired their assertiveness. We loved how close they were to their mom, we admired that they had a desire to succeed in their job. When we were dating we laughed off the clothes that were all over the floor in their closet; we thought it was cute how they were always running 10 minutes late. So much of who they were complimented everything we were not…and that was what caused us to fall in love.

But at some point in our marriage, the very things we fell in love with became the very things that we couldn’t stand about our spouse. The things that we felt like completed us now drive us crazy and cause arguments and resentment. At some point in our marriages, it became much easier to focus on the faults of our spouse, rather than the things that we love about them.

A few days after my first counseling appointment, I went back and the counselor asked me spend some time over the weekend and think of at least fifty things that I love about my wife. I was nervous as I left her office that I wouldn’t be able to think of that many things. I went back to the house where I was staying and began to make a list of the all of the things that I loved about my wife. I realized a couple of things that afternoon:

1. Some things that I had allowed to get on my nerves were the very things that I loved about how God had created her.
2. My depth of love for my wife grew deeper the more I meditated and thought about all of the attributes I loved.

I have talked to so many couples that are struggling in their relationship and they are so quick to list several things that their spouse does that drive them nuts. When I ask, “What do you absolutely adore about your spouse. I know what pisses you off…but what brings you joy?” The predominate response I hear is “Wow…I haven’t thought about that for a long time.”

I make it a point every week to tell my wife the things that I love about her. Sometimes I write them in a note and put that note by the coffee maker. Sometimes I send it in a text message. Sometimes I write it in erasable marker on our mirror. Last Valentine’s Day, I typed up 30 things that I love about Trisha and cut them into strips of paper and put them in a red box for her to read one per day for the next 30 days.

How could your relationship grow and change if you chose to focus on everything you love about your spouse. Maybe the things you dislike would be taken care of because your spouse would feel so loved and so valued that they would desire to value you in return by addressing the habits you have been griping about for years. So often we think that reminding one another how imperfect we are will bring about change. Change comes out of a loving relationship that shows mutual respect and admiration. So allow me to save you a trip to counseling and pass along a homework assignment: Before this weekend is over, sit down and list at least 20 things you love about your spouse. Even if you never share it, I guarantee you that YOU will be changed by doing so…and if you choose to share it, your spouse will be changed too. Happy Valentine’s Day.