Assuming the Worst
Jul 29, 2022About a year before Trisha and I separated she and a few staff members from our church went to the Arts Conference at Willow Creek. It was a conference that she looked forward to attending each year. It was a phenomenal experience for her, but for me, it was 2 WHOLE days at home with our three boys. The longer she was gone, the more I began to resent that she went. My schedule was full. I had a church to run, I had people to meet with, I had important meetings to attend. Finally, the conference ended, she called me and told me she was on her way home. I started the countdown clock…3 hours from Chicago to Indy…she should be home by 4PM.
About two hours into the trip home, she called and told me that there had been an accident, and that traffic was stopped. She didn’t think it would be that long, and they were hurrying home. Somehow in my mind, SHE had orchestrated this. This was her fault. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours pass. Still not home.
Finally, 8 hours after the conference was over, she pulled in the driveway. As she arrived, my son threw up. At this point, that was her fault too.
For many of us who are married, somehow, at sometime, something went sideways. We started to assume the worst of our spouse. Your husband is late getting home from work and you assume it was intentional. You have convinced yourself that he would rather be at work or stuck in traffic than home with you. Your wife goes over budget in buying groceries. You assume that she doesn’t have any regard for your budget. You have convinced yourself that she isn’t working with you in your finances; she’s working against you.
So many couples get to this place in their marriage, and it is toxic. Assumptions grow, and trust is lost and anger is expressed and resentment builds up. Before you know it, him 15 minutes late to a baseball game or a school play turns into a three day argument. One dinner out with friends that she didn’t tell you about unleashes stockpiles of anger that are in disproportion to the offense.
When Trisha and I separated, we recognized this pattern in our relationship. It wasn’t something we intended to happen, but stress and kids and ministry and financial problems, took their toll. Because we hadn’t made a decision to assume the best of one another, we drifted to expecting the worst…that way we wouldn’t be disappointed. We would just be resentful and distant; impatient and harsh.
Our policy now is to assume the best and be proven wrong. If I’m not home when I said I would be, Trisha knows that there is no place I’d rather be than home, so something beyond my control or extremely important must have taken place. She assumes the best, and that makes all the difference.
